Chapter Fifteen: Hell's Gate

The old rusty gate leading to the little girl's castle was charming enough to only be outside two other places, Hell and the state of Kansas. Creepy looking vines crawled up the stone walls on each side of the black iron gate. Massive towers rose up from inside in the walls, reaching out into the heavens. I hoped the little girl wasn't on the top floor.

Even scarier than the castle, the thought of going inside, and the eventual battle with a demonic little girl who turns people in to zombies was the the stare WOW was giving me right now. Her eyes were locked on to me, sending off a vibe that was colder than Jack Dawson floating in the water. I decided the only way to make the situation better was by escalating it to the inevitable conclusion that was coming.

“What's stewing your potatoes, pumpkin?” I asked, and taking a defensive position behind a tree.

You!” shouted WOW, her face burning with anger. “Apples and oranges, noodles and doodles, make it rain!” WOW attempted to turn me into a stone, but as always it failed.

“Arrf, arrf...”squawked something from the others. I turned to see HHB and Chuckles starring at a walrus. It was about the size of a Toyota Prius and had two big long tusks sticking down the front of its face. And that wasn't the only unusual thing, Jules was gone.

“Where did Jules go?” I asked. WOW looked confused, while HHB and Chuckles had sheepish grins on their faces.

"Well, um,” said Chuckles.

“She is a walrus,” said HHB, with a straight face, “and by that I mean she is a walrus.” Thinking they were joking, I took a harder look at the walrus, and that is when I noticed that it was missing one of its front flippers.

“Oops,” said WOW, before slapping me upside the head, “now look what you made me do.” Jules, now a walrus, started barking some more. Only this time she seemed a little peeved.

“What does she want?” asked Chuckles, “Should we find her a fish?”

“I'm not really gifted in translating the walrus language,” began HHB, “but I think she doesn't want to be a walrus. But that is just my guess.” Jules hissed, but no one spoke walrus. She then proceeded to charge WOW.

“I will defend you, my lady,” yelled a blur that looked a lot like a moving trash can. As he slowed down to taunt Jules, I realized it was a knight in armor. But not just any knight, but McKnight the Knight! Apparently, he wasn't dead. Or was he?

"Back you savage dragon, I will slay you and leave your grotesque body laying in ruin.”

Jules looked at MKK (McKnight the Knight) like he was an idiot. I guess that look transcends all species. McKnight stood his ground, radiating in honor and nobility. Realizing it was going to be him or her, Jules roared. MKK pushed us all back with his arms.

“Stand back,” shouted MKK, his adrenaline in full kick, “This foul beast is about unleash all of Hell's furry on us. But take heart my dear comrades, I am skilled in these matters.” MKK swung his sword in an attempt to slice off Jules's head.

But before he could land the fatal blow, a cloaked black figure charged into the scene, and planted him with a rock bottom. (Don't know what that is? All I can say is, do you smell what the Rock is cookin?)

“What now?” shouted DDP, as he unveiled himself from his cloak. He immediately turned on his light saber, and stuck it in HHB's face. HHB leaned back, his face glowing from the danger just inches away. I drew my pistol and took aim. “Join me, HHB, or you will all die.”

HB smiled, and drew his own light saber. His golden strands flew out like the swings at a carnival as he twirled, and struck blades with DDP, sparks jumping out every which way as the two collided. DDP withdrew his saber, only to swing it back at him with a blazing amount of speed. HHB used his own to shield himself from the onslaught.

With the sabers locked again, and the two of them circling each other like two hippos fighting for dominance at the water hole, HHB drew one hand away from his weapon. Gathering what energy he could from the force, he shoved at DDP. An invisible wave of energy crashed into the unsuspecting Sith lord. DDP flew through the air, crashing into an out grove of trees behind him. And just like that, DDP was gone.

Of course, that left us with the problem that started this whole strange episode. WOW in her fit of anger turning Jules into a walrus, and MKK wanting to kill her because apparently dragons and walruses look a lot a like.

I walked over to MKK and helped him back to his feet. It was like picking up a full trash can, unfortunately also carrying the same smell. Before he could turn Jules into a pile of blubber, I decided to inform him of the situation, as well as ask the obvious question we are all wondering. Wasn't he dead?

"Foul, wretched beast,” said MKK, once again drawing his sword.

“Hold on there partner,” I said, “the beast is a by product of your majesty's handy work.” MKK looked at the beast, then at WOW, then at his sword, and then at me. He lowered it, smiling as he looked at the ground.

“At least she didn't turn the poor chap into a pile of something that comes out the poo chute,” said MKK, WOW giving him the death glare. At least I wasn't the only one.

“Poo chute?” asked Chuckles.

“He means butt,” said HHB, clarifying.

“So, MKK,” I began, “I thought you were like, dead.”

“About that,” said MKK, “I thought you shot me too, but apparently the bullet only grazed through the top of a jelly donut I had stuffed down in my armor...and since my armor is a little loose, the donut rotated to my back as I fell to the ground, which accounts for the red stain on the back side.”

“Oh,” I said, wondering why he had a donut stuffed inside of his clothes, fighting the desire to ask him if he was planning on adding on a layer of icing to it. Besides, the situation got stranger. Princess appeared again, this time sporting a new orange jump suit.

“Nice jumpsuit,” I said. Princess shook his head, didn't even look up from what appeared to be his lunch. He had a couple of new faces surrounding him. “Where are Jerebear and Cheapo?”

“The legal system decided it was best that we be put in separate prisons, we are too dangerous to be kept together,” Princess said, “So in the mean time, I have made friends with other inmates who are completely innocent as well. Like Bubba and JR...” he said pointing to two big scary looking black dudes. “And also BFFS Peaches and Cream...” he said pointing to guys who looked like they were into something other than girls.

“How long you in for?” I asked.

“For another five minutes,” Princess smiled. He was obviously up to something diabolical.

“Well, before you go,” I said, “We are trying to find a demonic little girl inside of a massive fortress, any words of wisdom?”

“Two boxers...”began Princess.

"Two boxers? Like the fighter, the dog, or underpants?” asked Chuckles. We all looked at him like he was an idiot.

“Your an idiot,” said Princess, “Two boxers are in a boxing match...”

“Two boxers are in a boxing match, no kidding, who would have thought it?” interrupted WOW, still in a mood.

“Go make a sandwich,” said Princess, “Two boxers in a boxing match. The fight is scheduled for twelve rounds, but ends in six.

“That's what she said,” I interrupted.

“I hate it when that happens,” said WOW.

“Do you want my help or not?” asked Princess. We nodded, even though we knew he would be of no help at all. “Two boxers are in a boxing match. The fight is scheduled for twelve rounds, but ends in six after one fighter knocks out the other. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?”

“Bad breath?” asked HHB.

“No,” said Princess, “they were women boxing.” His answer didn't help us.

“What were the women doing outside of the kitchen?” asked Chuckles.

“That is why they ended up boxing,” said Princess, “Sorry to help and run, but the time has come.” He turned to Peaches and Cream, who were sitting at the end of the table. “Hey Peaches, Cream told me he loves nature a lot, in spite of what it did to you..making you so ugly and all.”

The last thing I saw was a tray of food fly and smash into Bubba, who didn't like it too much. Then it looked like chaos was in complete control.

“I don't get it,” said MKK.

“His advice never helps us,” I said, “We would be more confused if it did.”

“No, the riddle.” said MKK.

I was about to explain it to him, but then something unexplainable happened. The ground opened up into a giant black hole, that swallowed up HHB, WOW, and Chuckles. There I stood, alone with a walrus, and a knight outside the gates of Hell.

Chapter Fourteen: Eye of the Tiger

I wasn't a doctor, and I hadn't stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that Benny was in bad shape. We had all gathered around our furry friend who was struggling to catch each breath. His once majestic orange and black fur was now caked in blood. The body that once moved so graciously, was broken.

WOW looked away as Benny heaved out his chest one last time in an agonizing struggle. Not wanting to let my weakness show, I fought back the tears that were trying to break through as our retarded pet tiger pushed out his final breath.

I walked over and knelt down beside him, placed one hand on his chest. There was no heart beat. Benny the Retarded tiger was dead.

We all sat there in silence for a while. We had seen so much death so far into our journey, and up until that point it hadn't bothered us. Heck, we caused most of it. But Benny had become one of us. Yes, he was a retarded tiger that tried to eat us at one point, but he had long made up for that. He had saved our necks more than a few times. I think losing him reminded us all how fragile our own lives were. And you don't just get over something like that.

“You remember when we first met, Benny?” I said, finally breaking the silence.

“Yes,” said Chuckles, “HHB shot me in the leg with an arrow.” He gave HHB an evil glare as we all laughed.

“That was awesome,” laughed HHB, “Remember the time Benny raped you?” We all laughed even harder. Chuckles went a little quiet, but not as quiet as WOW. She was sitting with her head buried in her lap, not talking to anyone.

I was going to go say something to make her feel better, but then I noticed how fat Benny looked. Eating MREs and wild plants left my stomach feeling empty. Sure Benny was our friend, but he wasn't in that body any more. I could almost taste the meat as I thought about it.

At the same time, I realized WOW would never go for eating our friend, so I had to come up with a plan. I know it sounds evil, probably is, eating your friend. But I thought to myself, if Benny hadn't been retarded what would he have done?

“Alright, everyone,” I said, trying to sound sincere. “We are going to have a funeral service for Benny, then a dinner afterwards. So we will all go around and say something. Who wants to go first?”

“I will,” said Jules, not bothered by her missing arm, “Benny, I barely knew you. When we first met, you were just a retarded two legged tiger chained to a wall. Then you stole my shoe, and ran away with it. But then you did save my life from the zombies. So, I guess I'm trying to say you were alright, and I'm going to miss you.”

“Benny,” said Chuckles, stepping up to take his turn, “Benny...Benny...Benny. What is there to say about you? We shared half an intimate moment. One in which you took away all my dignity and self respect. But I know you were only a retarded tiger, overwhelmed with hormones. So I hold no hard feelings. I only can hope that you have gone to a better place, one with female tigers...or at least blow up dolls that look like female tigers. Good bye, Benny.”

Chuckles stepped back, as I and HHB tried not to laugh. There was a moment's pause as we waited for someone else to go. WOW stepped forward, her nose runny and eyes poofy from crying.

“Benny, I want you to know I loved you,” said WOW, stopping a minute to cry some more. I patted her on the back, knowing how much she was going to hate me in about ten minutes. “When we first met, I was terrified of you. But as I got to know you, I realized you were nothing more than a big kitty cat, who wanted love and attention. I hope that I gave you all those things. And you certainly gave it to me, and everyone else. You were always there when we needed you. Not worrying about your own safety, always doing what was brave. I'm going to miss you, your crossed eyes, and whale like roar. There will always be a special place for you in my heart. Good bye, Benny.” WOW cried a little more, then went back to her seat on the ground with her head back in her lap.

“I guess, I will go next,” said HHB, stepping forward holding a guitar he had found somewhere. “Benny, I wrote you a little song. One that will hopefully bring peace to your soul, and bring back the good memories of you for us.” HHB cleared his throat, and softly began to play the guitar. He then began to sing in his high pitched male voice. The song went like this:

(Verse One)
Weary travelers on a path deep in the woods
A long way from all busyness back in the hoods
Before them was a big tiger, who was looking for a bite
But no one realized how their stars would unite

(Chorus)
They realized that this tiger was not right in the head
He was a retarded tiger that would forever stain their memories
His life and pegs were short
But he still had the power to take Chuckles to his knees
We soon understand that he was a furry hero
With a courage that will never die
And an IQ less than that of zero
Benny was a striped angel that couldn't fly

(Verse Two)
He was a crazy heart and pants stealing thief
With a knack for rescuing people from grief
A cross-eyed tiger who never would back down from a fight
But no one would realize how their stars would unite

(Chorus)
They realized that this tiger was not right in the head
He was a retarded tiger that would forever stain their memories
His life and pegs were short
But he still had the power to take Chuckles to his knees
We soon understand that he was a furry hero
With a courage that will never die
And an IQ less than that of zero
Benny was a striped angel that couldn't fly

HHB put his guitar down and patted Benny on the stomach. And I could tell from the crazy look in his eyes he had the same idea I had. So I started to have Chuckles take everyone away so we could make our tiger surprise for dinner, but WOW chimed in.

“Ranger, aren't you going to say anything?” she asked. I had forgotten all about saying something. So I stepped forward to take my turn.

“Benny,” I said, only really knowing one thing to say, “Dueces.” I was going to just leave it at that, but WOW was giving me the look. Not the angry, I'm going to rip out your soul and eat with a salad look. But more of the I'm disappointed in you look, that made me feel guilty.

“Well,” I began again, “Benny, you weren't bad for a little fur ball. I appreciate your courage and selfless actions. I know you are now enjoying having all four legs and a properly functioning brain in the big jungle in the sky. God speed my friend, God speed.”

It wasn't the best speech I had ever given, but it seemed to satisfy WOW.

“Alright, Chuckles,” I began, "please take everyone to a place where they can't see. HHB and I have a special surprise dinner for them.”

“I'm not hungry,” said WOW.

“Nonsense,” I said, “You need to eat a good meal. Its been a long time since any of us has had one. Now go, we must cook for you.”

They wondered off through some trees as HHB and I took out our boy scout knives to skin the tiger corpse, which at that point I was no longer referring to as Benny. What? He didn't need that physical body anymore.

“That stupid, idiot,” I heard Chuckles shout. HHB and I stopped our process and ran to see what all the commotion was about. Then I realized it was me he was calling an idiot, and I could see why.

We had wondered through the woods and ended up on the yellow brick road. To the left it ended at an enormous old and creepy looking castle gate. If you followed the yellow brick road (stop singing the song, its annoying) you could see it up a hill and on the other side of the hill you could see WOW's castle.

“Hmm,” I thought out loud, “I guess we took the scenic route.”

“I'd say,” shouted Chuckles, “We would have been here in ten minutes had we taken the yellow brick road.”

“See why I was so frustrated when you guys wanted to go the other way,” said WOW.

“Chuckles, you voted for the man trail, remember,” I said, “And WOW, its not time for the 'I told you so' speech.” I would have stayed and argued longer but a wise man once said “Never argue with an idiot, they always bring you down to their level and win by experience.” So HHB went back to craving up Benny...I mean the tiger corpse.

It took a hot minute to pull off the fur, then to cut out the chunks of meat we wanted to eat. Then make a sort of redneck rotisserie out of sticks, before we finally suspended the meat over the fire.

“You ought to use the fur to make yourself some new underpants,” I said.

“Yeah,” laughed HHB, “They would be real tiger skin underwear. I just would have to hope he didn't have fleas.” That was a good point. Then HHB did something strange, which for him wasn't all that weird. He took his knife and cut out one of Benn...I mean one of the corpse's eyes. Poking a sharpened stick through the eye, HHB cooked it until it became kind of mushy. He brought the end of the stick to his mouth and pulled the eye off with his teeth. He bit down sending all the liquid squirting out and draining down his chin on to his shirt.

“Eye of the Tiger,” said HHB, making a reference to the song. I guess that was another way of taking it.

The smell of the fresh cooked meat made my mouth water, as the smoke from the fire did the same to my eyes. It took us an hour to cook it to where we thought it was safe to eat it. A little blood was still dripping of it, but that never hurt anyone.

We pulled the stick off the fire and brought it to the others waiting on the yellow brick road. Their eyes all lit up like a cop at a bakery. They all grabbed a piece and started eating it, making noises of approval.

“This is really good,” said Jules, “A little pink...I hate to see you make hamburgers.”

“Eh,” said Chuckles, “The blood adds to the flavor.”

“Man, who would have known you could cook, Ranger,” said WOW.

“Thank you, everyone.” I was glad no one had asked me where it come from, but my being relieved about it was short lived.

“Where did the meat come from?” asked WOW, of course.

“Let's just say we got it from a friend,” I said. Hoping that would be enough to serve her curiosity. Of course it wasn't.

“Which friend?” asked WOW.

“You could say it was a farewell gift from Benny,” said HHB, trying to help. WOW seemed satisfied with that answer, until Chuckles picked up on what was going on and opened his big mouth.

“Tiger, the other white meat,” Chuckles laughed. Jules stopped chewing and looked at it, then shrugged her shoulders and kept going. WOW, being a blond, took a minute to catch on before dropping the meat on the ground and spitting out the pieces she was chewing on. HHB walked over and picked up the uneaten piece she dropped and ate it himself.

“How could you?” asked WOW, “Benny was our friend.”

“Oh, c'mon, we haven't had real meat in a long time. And I couldn't let the wild animals eat him. Besides it wasn't like he needed it anymore,” I said, “And if we had died, Benny would have done the same.”

“Its the eye of the tiger, the cream of the soup,” sang Chuckles, making an interesting parody of the song. It didn't help matters though. WOW started to go into a silent rage, which kind of scared me a little.

“Look at it this way,” I said, “this way we all will have a little bit of Benny inside of us.”

“At least for a little bit anyway,” said HHB. I tried to not laugh, but Jules started laughing and that got me and HHB going. WOW was not amused, and Chuckles had a look of thought on his face.

“Wait a minute,” Chuckles finally said, “Does that mean we all have a little bit of retarded tiger in us?”

Amongst all the tears and aching stomach from laughing, I found a lot of truth in that statement. We all really do have a little retarded tiger in us, its up to all of us to find it. Then unleash it on an unsuspecting world.

Chapter Thirteen: Zombie Jamboree

As McKnight the Knight passed from this world to the next, we didn't have time to mourn his loss. Or me even re-contemplate my thoughts on guns. For up the path, we heard the screams of the undead stumbling toward us in a ravage hunger for our flesh. Something we hadn't missed since leaving the smurfs.

“Um, guys,” said Jules, “We have about thirty seconds until the zombies get here.”

“Thanks, Jules,” I said, annoyed she was pointing out the obvious, “Keep us posted.”

“Ranger,” began WOW, obviously getting ready to ask me a question, “What about McKnight the Knight?”

“He's dead,” I said, now my turn to point out the obvious. Then I realized that we would all watch the zombies devour his dead carcass. And I already felt bad enough for shooting him.

I walked and stood behind his head, and reached under his arms to drag him out of sight. The battle armor added a lot of extra weight, making it more of a struggle. HHB must have noticed, because he came over and helped. Together, we managed to hide his body in the bushes.

As we were leaving, that is when I found it. Another US ARMY crate. And since the last one we found contained such a great weapon, I excitedly opened the second...and again the same feeling hit me. The same look didn't hit Chuckles or HHB though. They knew the weapon I held was dangerous for me to have. It was a Mossberg 500 persuader, pump action twelve gauge shotgun. With tons of extra rounds!

“Uh, Ranger, are you okay?” asked HHB.

“Awww,” said Jules, “He is crying.” I felt under my eye, and sure enough a tear was streaming down.

“Its the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” I said, sniffling a bit. The black matte finish, the eighteen and half inch barrel, it was more than I could bare.

“Everyone, take cover,” said HHB.

“Why?” asked Wow, “He looks so happy.”

“Ranger's happiness is someone else's demise,” said Chuckles, “Him with a shotgun is like a fat kid finding a piece of candy.” I pumped the gun, making sweet music to my ears. The others stepped behind me.

“Greetings,” said a gay looking feller standing on the path way, apparently controlling the zombies. They stopped behind him and a muscular native looking dude in perfect military columns. I immediately took aim with the shotgun.

“My name is Edward,” said Edward, “I'm a vampire, and this honk of stud muffin is Jacob.” Edward put his arm around Jacob. I counted to ten.

“Edward, stop it,” said Jacob, in a strong but gay voice. My count was at five. “We are here from Pig Tails, and she commands that you surrender no...” My count reached ten. The shot blasted Jacob's face into a million pieces. Edward stopped and knelt over the puddle of his lover.

Before Edward could say anything stupid, or shed a tear, I popped him with seven shots. To make sure they were down, I walked up and filled them each with ten rounds a piece.

“See what I mean,” said Chuckles. Wow and Jules looked horrified, Benny looked hungry, and Chuckles and HHB just shook their heads.

I started to take aim at the now approaching army of zombies, but Edward wasn't dead. He grabbed the end of my shotgun, which I was pulling the trigger to no avail. He launched me over his back, sending me crashing to the ground.

Edward stalked over to me, dropping the shotgun. He reared his fangs, and prepared to suck my blood. At least, I hoped that was what he was thinking. Then out of nowhere comes a purple light saber, slicing his head clean off. It rolled across the ground with a look of bewilderment on his face.

Grabbing the shotgun in mid combat roll, HHB and I went back to back, while Chuckles went to being batman, WOW went invisible, Benny went into ravage two legged retarded tiger mood, and Jules was in trouble.

A zombie had her by the arm was about to pull her to his blood thirsty, moldy mouth. I took aim, ready to turn it into a giant pencil, but Benny came charging. The zombie never seen him coming. Benny leapt off the ground, digging his claws to dig into it's back. His weight sent the zombie crashing to the ground in a face plant. He sank his jaws into the back of its head, savagely mauling it.

I turned to see HHB slicing off heads right and left. I started to back up to give him room, but I bumped into Chuckles behind me. Only at this point, he wasn't Chuckles anymore.

“Alright, boy wonder,” Batman said to me.

“I got you,” I said, “Back to back.” The zombies encircled us, and began closing in. I pumped and pulled the trigger, spraying out a constant stream of hot lead. The dead bodies of the undead piling up in front me. I looked back to see how Batman was doing, but he had gotten taken out. I quickly shot the ones closest to him.

“Wow,” I shouted, my voice barely audible over the gun fire, the humming light saber, and hungry cries of the living nightmares.

“Yes,” WOW responded.

“Now would be a good time to practice your spell,” I again yelled, blasting another zombie in the face. Its head exploding, sending down a mist of blood, brain matter, and skull fragments.

“Crackers and weed whackers, grass and glass, make it rain,” She screamed. Once again, her spell didn't work as it was intended. “Look, unicorns!”

I looked to see two white horses standing in the chaos, then I looked at their heads to see the horn that one would think a typical unicorn would have...only instead of a horn they had toilet plungers on their heads. Too busy to ask myself why, WOW and I picked up Chuckles and laid him across the unicorn's back before climbing up with him. HHB and Jules climbed up on the other.

As the zombies once again closed in around us, I took aim from my new perch and pumped it up. But to my disappointment, I was out of ammo. HHB did his best to hold them off, but his force powers were growing weak, and there was just too many of them.

“Come get some!” shouted a familiar voice. We looked to see DDP standing on the pathway, with an evil smile on his face. His light saber was drawn in one hand, and his other was ready to unleash furry.

“DDP?!?” I said, confused whether I should be glad see him or a put a bullet in his noodle.

“Shut up, fagot,” he yelled in a deep, echoing voice. He then sprayed out a storm of force lightening, shocking fifty zombies at once. Their cold lifeless eyes melted in their sockets as their chests' exploded from the sudden surge of electricity.

DDP then leaped in the air, into a forward corkscrew with his red light saber out in front of him like a spear. The zombies never had a chance. He slaughtered them all in a matter of minutes, leaving liters of dismembered bodies.

Then just as quickly he appeared, DDP was gone. Leaving us to wonder why the dark evil lord of the Sith would help us rather than kill us. I decided to keep an eye out for anything unusual, but then again everything was unusual.

“Uh-Oh” said Jules. I looked at her to see she was staring at her pale green skinned left arm. There was a small wound on her wrist with green blood oozing out. That's when I noticed a black poison crawling slowly up her veins. She had been infected with the zombie virus.

“Jules, lay down on the ground,” I said, then grabbing HHB's light saber from him. “You are going to feel a slight pinch.” She followed instructions, but with a weird look on her face. Before she could question me, I turned on the light saber and neatly sliced off her arm before the poison could spread. The heat from the light saber cauterized all the veins, capillaries, and arteries preventing blood loss. She would have a left nub for an arm now, but at least she would try to eat us.

As I had Chuckles treat Jules for shock, I looked at Benny and scratched him behind the ears. He turned and looked at me with his crossed eyes, but instead of gratitude I saw fear and pain in his blue feline eyes. He let out a grunt and collapsed on the ground.

Chapter Twelve: Bless the Broken Road

After all the action that came during the past couple of days, we were all tired. One can only kill so many leprechauns and smurfs before feeling the toll it takes on the body. So with Jules leading us from the scene of devastation, we found a nice spot along a trail in the middle of the woods to chill for the evening.

“I feel like I have just been to a car dealership,” I said.

“Why is that?” asked HHB.

“Because my butt hurts,” I replied. We all laughed at my cleverness. The irony of it all is, I used to be a car salesman.

As the sun began to set, and the woods came to life, we sat around the fire, simply relaxing. HHB and Chuckles had wandered off to find more firewood, leaving me sprawled out with my feet up to the fire and my back propped up by my bag. Jules, WOW, and Benny were keeping me company.

That's when it happened again. Above the fire, in the rising smoke, Princess appeared. This time, he was at HHB's house along with Cheapo and Chuckles's brother, Jerebear. Jerebear, who was a muscle buidling junky, was freaking out about something going on. And something was definitely going on because Jerebear and Princess, who was wearing a wig, dress and make up, were tied to two separate chairs. Cheapo was standing in front of them holding a shotgun.

“I'm too young to go to prison,” shouted Jerebear, oblivious to the fact someone was watching, “You know what happens in prisons? Men rape other men. And I don't like things being shoved up my behind.”

“That's why its called rape,” said Princess, “Most people don't like it.”

“Don't worry, this will work out,” said Cheapo, “Besides, I'm the one going to the joint.” As entertaining as this sight was, I decided to ask why my brother was dressed like a transvestite.

“Guys, its not Thursday,” I interrupted. They stopped in mid conversation and looked at me, Princess had a look of shame on his face, and Jerebear looked petrified.

“Don't steal my soul, demon figure who looks like Ranger,” cried Jerebear. I was going to play along, but Cheapo and Princess blew my cover.

“So what's new with you guys?” I asked. “I see you escaped the Colombian drug lords.”

“Dude,” Cheapo began, with a smile and excitement in his voice, “Those ole boys didn't know what hit'em.”

“Yeah,” said Princess, “We now are the biggest suppliers of coffee beans and crack cocaine in North America. Which is why the FBI is getting ready to storm in and get us.”

“Where are you?” I asked.

“HHB's house,” Princess answered, “We were coming to talk with his parent's but they weren't here...but Jerebear showed up to tell us the FBI came to his house asking about us.” In the background, I heard a knock at the front door, and the usual comments when the police are knocking on the door.

“If you come in, I'll blow their freakin' brains out!!” shouted Cheapo. He then looked at Princess and Jerebear, and laughed.

“So what's your plan?” I asked.

“Well, Cheapo here is holding us hostage,” said Princess, “so when the Popo comes to take him away, I can get away and bust him out.”

Just then a Swat member crashed through a window in the room, tackling Cheapo to the floor. His gun dropped to the floor in a pile of shattered glass. It hit the ground and went off, nearly hitting Jerebear, and blasting a whole in the wall.

“You almost shot me, you idiot,” shouted Jerebear, as he frantically struggled to get free from the chair. He tipped his chair over, sent himself crashing into Princess sitting next to him. The impact knocked over Princess, knocking off his wig and leaving them in a heap of wood and people on the floor.

The agents stopped struggling to subdue Cheapo, and starred at Princess and then at the wig on the floor. The gig was obviously up.

“Well, hmmm,” said Princess, shaking his head in disbelief, “Any advice?”

“Wear a color of eye liner that goes great with your eyes?” said WOW.

“Don't drop the soap?” I said. Understanding that now the shoe was on his foot, Princess allowed the agents to put the cuffs on him and lead him outside. And just like that, he was gone.

As Jules, WOW, and I were trying to figure out what had just happened, Benny found a new way to entertain himself. Jules had taken her shoes off, which smelled worse than HHB in the cave, to let her feet air out. Benny charged in and grabbed the shoe in his mouth, bolting for the hills.

“Hey,” yelled Jules, “Stupid tiger, that's my shoe!” She popped up and darted after Benny. Benny easily out ran her and took shelter in the bushes. About that time HHB and Chuckles returned with a load of fire wood to see Jules starring in the now shaking bushes with an “I'm going to kill you look.”

“Feeling left out?” asked Chuckles.

“No, Benny is in their...with my shoe!” shouted Jules, completely irritated by the situation.

“Maybe you are the one that should feel left out,” HHB joked to Chuckles. Before anyone could go in after him, Benny walked out with a lace dangling from his throat. He was hacking, apparently choking on the shoe.

Not wanting Benny to catch athlete's mouth or choke to death, I walked over and opened up his mouth. In the back of his throat, I could see a disfigured sole. Reaching past and carefully eyeballing the sharp teeth, I grabbed it and gently pulled it out. I handed it back to Jules, covered in drool.

The rest of the evening was uneventful, full of story telling. And soon everyone was fast asleep around the fire. A rare and peaceful moment on our adventure. But it wasn't to last, I was in mid dream when I heard HHB shouting about something.

“Whose there?” asked HHB. Still too groggy to open my eyes, I listened thinking it was only their imagination. But then I heard someone walking through woods, coming towards us. I opened my eyes and went to draw my side arm. That is when I realized WOW was asleep on my left shoulder, and my left arm was numb. She looked almost angelic at that moment, and I was probably going to hate myself for what I was about to do. Not really.

I leaned in really close by her ear, and pulled my gun out with my right hand.

“No...get away you savages!” I shouted popping off rounds into the air and trying to sound scared. WOW immediately woke up and started screaming. It wasn't until she noticed we were all laughing hysterically that she stopped. Of course I got the death glare and the usual slap upside the head.

“Help!” I heard someone screaming down the path. Looking down the path, in the pale moonlight I could make out a figure collapsing to the ground.

Chuckles, HHB, and I quickly sprinted towards whoever it was. We stopped and saw a man in a knight's battle armor, a steel helmet with a visor covering his face lying on the ground clutching his stomach. Apparently the mesh armor was only good at stopping swords and not hollow points.

“McKnight?” said WOW, excited to see him.

“My lady,” he said, gasping in agony. He then raised up his visor revealing his oval shaped face. He had a full black beard to match the black stubs of hair growing on the top of his head. Almost like an inverse version of Chuckles.

“What happened to you?” she asked.

“This freaking douche bag shot me,” he screamed, looking at me. I was always told it was dangerous to play with guns. I pulled his hand away to see a small patch of blood coming through.

“No, I mean, you and your men?” she rephrased. McKnight grunted as I log rolled him on to his side. Before even looking at his back, I saw a large dark stain on the ground where he had been, and it matched the gaping hole where flesh you used to be. The situation was grim. I scrambled to get supplies.

“Leave it,” said McKnight, “Its too late for me. I go to join my brothers in a better place.” I stopped and thought about reasoning with him, but there was really no point. I was pretty sure I had punched through the kidneys. So I rolled him back to where he was. “I'm sorry, my lady. My men and I have failed you. We made it to the castle, but Pig Tails's evil was too much for us. She slaughtered thirty of us before we could do anything, then turned many more into her slaves. The few survivors, including myself, tried to flee but she turned them into monsters. They tore their flesh and ate them before my eyes.”

“You haven't failed,” said a teary eyed WOW, “You and your men fought bravely.” McKnight then looked at me and struggled as he tried to speak.

“All that is good in this world stands in the balance,” he began, pausing to regain his slowly coming breath, “Promise me, you won't let her win. Promise me, don't let my lady become her slave. Promise me, you won't fail.” He weakly took hold of my arm and stared intently into my eyes. It was weird, because I could almost see the terror he had been through. Even feeling the pain at the loss of his men.

“I promise,” I said, feeling guilty and the need to redeem myself, and like I was in Lord of the Rings talking to Borimir. “I won't let the witch fall, or your people fail.”

With the little strength he had left, McKnight drew his sword and held it tightly to his chest. He died with a look of nobility on his face.

Finishing up our Lord of the Rings scene, little did we know that we were jumping into Zombieland. Because we were about to put the rules from that movie into practice.

Chapter Eleven: Silly Shy Smurf

I woke up and wish I hadn't. My wound wasn't severe, the bullet hadn't hit any arteries. It had only passed through the right cheek, through the muscle. My face hurt from bouncing off the stone floor. And to add insult to injury, the smurfs had returned and managed to re-chain us to the wall. We were back where we started.

“You cannot escape your doom,” said the red smurf standing on the now decaying troll corpse, “I, Papa Smurf, will cut out your liver and eat it with a side of scalloped potatoes.” As appetizing as that sounded, I really wasn't up for losing my liver to these fleas. No, If I was going to lose my liver it was going to be to a bottle of Jack Daniels and a few cases of Samuel Adams.

“Are you alright?” whispered WOW, who was once again chained next to me.

“Yeah,” I lied, “other than my face hurting.”

“Well,” said Jules who was chained on the other side of me, “Your face is hurting me too.” I didn't know this chick, but I realized at that moment we were going to get along great.

“I like her,” whispered WOW.

“Don't worry guys,” said HHB, “I got this.”

“Plug your noses,” shouted Chuckles, burying his face in his shirt. We all followed suit as HHB scrunched his face to use the force. There were four smurfs standing between us and Papa Smurf, so using the force HHB picked all four of them up and threw them against the cave wall, splattering their little bodies on impact.

Papa Smurf grabbed his big knife blade, and hopped down from the sacrifice table. He walked, struggling to carry the big blade, and stopped in front of HHB. Six other smurfs, who were buried face first into Mr. Rogers's abdomen, walked over and stood behind him, like they were big enough to do something.

“You think the force will save you?” asked Papa Smurf, “No one can save you from the pain that is coming.”

“Papa Smurf, this is your last chance,” said HHB, a determined look peering through his strands of hair, “Free us now, or all of you will die.” The smurfs all let out an evil little laugh, one fell over right in front of Jules. And since they had only cuffed our hands and not our feet, Jules took that moment to step on him. The snap, crackle, and pop of crushing bone echoed throughout the room as purple squirted out from beneath Jules's shoe. All the smurfs took a few steps back.

“You are lucky, we have just had supper,” said Papa Smurf, “But dawn is coming, and my people will be hungry for breakfast...so I have devised a little game.”

“Is it battleship?” I asked, I had some great battles with Princess as a child. Of course both of us always found ways to cheat, such as not putting any ships on the board.

“I wouldn't get your hopes up,” said Jules, “its probably Russian roulette with a semi-automatic.”

“Chucks and ducks, bears and squares, make it rain,” chanted WOW, again trying to turn our enemies into stone. The room lit up with a bright blinding light. Then just as quickly as it appeared, the light disappeared and leaving glowing lava lamps all over the room and a bull whip on the table.

“Gee, WOW, you are pretty and all,” I began, “but we only just met.” We all laughed as WOW's face turned bright red.

“I don't think I'm old enough to see this,” said Jules, now with a disgusted look on her face.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me,” said Chuckles. We all laughed harder, not noticing the evil glares we were getting from the smurfs. The only glare with more heat was coming from WOW. I knew what was coming the first chance she got, she was going to hit me again.

That is when the smurfs did something incredibly stupid that I'm still baffled to this day. They uncuffed us, and led us out into a giant coliseum filled with millions of smurfs. It was quite an impressive site. But what was so dumb about it was, they took our cuffs off for whatever game we were about to play. We all looked at each other baffled, and decided to go along with it until the moment came.

Papa Smurf led us into the middle of the arena and had us all stand side by side in a line. Then two peon smurfs handed each of us a wooden spear which was six times the size they were.

“Marshmallow sticks?” asked Chuckles.

“Sweet,” said HHB, “Its a wooden spear. Maybe we are frog gigging.”

Before we could make sense of anything, six teams of smurfs wheeled out bodies of dead possums, which looked like an elephant compared to their stature. They stopped the possum carcasses in front of each of us, and calmly walked to the safety of the stands.

“The game is simple,” began a smirking Papa Smurf, “Each of you will pick up the dead fowl tasting creatures on the end of your spear, then you will use the spear to fling it as far as you can. The one of you who flings it the shortest distance will become breakfast.” After hearing the game, I was wondering who was more retarded, Papa Smurf or Benny. In just a few seconds, I was going to wipe the smirk off of Papa Smurf's face and wear it as a hat. Okay, maybe not really, but I was seeing no good outcome for the smurfs here.

“Good luck everyone,” I said as Papa Smurf joined the other smurfs in the stands. I looked at the others, trying to motion for them to fling their possum at the spectators. “On the count of three, we fling together.”

“Oh this is going to be epic,” said HHB.

“An epic occasion like this needs epic music,” said Chuckles, who than broke into our battle tune, “Dunt dunt.”

“Dunt dunt dunt,” sang HHB.

“Dunt dunt dunt dunt,” I joined in, “dunt dunt da...da da da da dunt dunt.”

“You guys are retarded,” said Jules. Realizing that WOW and Jules weren't going to join in because they didn't understand the power of our song, we all began to load the possums on the spears. Once they were secured on the ends, we threw them over our shoulders. Even Benny.

“One....Two...” before I could finish Benny dropped the spear from his mouth, and the possum. He growled ferociously, causing the audience to gasp and shriek in horror. Benny used his powerful jaws to grab the possum's head, and began to shake it violently. The possum's neck snapped clean off and the body went flying thirty yards, stopping just short of the arena wall.

“Good job, Benny,” I said, trying to remain calm. It wasn't his fault he was retarded. “Let's try this again. One...two....three.” As I said three, I turned towards Papa Smurf and hurled my possum at him. It soared through the air, higher than any possum has gone before, then crashed down in limp free fall right on top of Papa Smurf, crushing his little smurf body as well as many others next to him.

I turned to see how the others had done. HHB and Chuckles had managed to smash many more smurfs in the stands in front of us. Jules had turned to the opposite side I had gone too, also successful in killing lots of smurfs. WOW, well I shouldn't have looked at her. She had tried to fling the possum, but it must have gone wrong because it fallen of her stick and landed on her face. I fell to the ground in laughter.

She screamed and started to run in circles flailing her arms, hoping the possum would fall off of her face. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't get back up, my stomach hurt from laughing so much.

Benny came to her rescue though, he darted towards her and grabbed the possum off her using his teeth. He thrashed it the same way as the other as he charged towards the stands. Leaping off the ground (which was amazing considering he could only use his front legs), he did a corkscrew in the air and landed on his back crushing more smurfs as he landed. He then rolled up and down through the stands, still clutching the possum as he made more smurf jelly.

Finally, I regained my composure and joined the others as we too charged the stands. Except WOW, who was still trying to get the possum germs off of her.

The smurfs sat stunned as we hopped into the crowd, like the Pacers at the Palace of Auburn Hills. We then did our best impression of medieval wine makers, stomping on as many smurfs as possible.

HHB, who for some reason, used his spear and jabbed it into the chest of one poor smurf. The wooden tip burst through its back, protruding out. Swinging the smurf towards him, HHB leaned his face forward and bit off the smurfs head. He smiled as purple smurf juice dripped down his chin.

“It tastes like blueberries,” said HHB, with his mouth still full.

As HHB finished his snack, and the rest of us finished wiping out half the smurf population, we heard the blowing of a giant horn. Looking at the arena entrance stood an army of black hooded smurfs, holding swords. Actually, I should say trying to hold swords because they were as big as they were.

Benny wasn't intimidated. He took one look at them, and let out his whale like roar. Several smurfs lost heart at the sound, dropping their swords and running for the hills. Not hesitating, Benny jumped off the stands, into the mass crushing many more. Then he used his claws and mouth in a frenzied attack, chewing up and or cutting clean apart hundreds more. I was glad Benny was on our side.

“Listen to this,” said Jules. She then proceed to stomp smurfs to the tune of we will rock you. Chuckles and I laughed, joining in and singing the lyrics. Several smurfs committed suicide at the sound of our out of tune singing voices.

“Hey check this out,” shouted HHB. And if you have ever been on any adventure with HHB, when he yells check this out, you always cringe. Because you never know what he is going to show you.

This time it was cool though, because he had found a can of gasoline. He grabbed it, and tore of a piece of his shirt. Soaking it with the fuel, he stuffed the end into the can creating a fuse. Reaching into his pockets, he pulled out his pocket knife and a piece of flint. Using caveman magic, he lit the fuse and hurled it into the untouched audience of smurfs.

The thousands of smurfs screamed in unison as the flaming can plowed into them, igniting them in a ball of flames. Not knowing the principle of stop, drop, and roll they ran around on fire as their skin slowly melted before collapsing to the ground. Burnt crispy.

Using his spear again, HHB stabbed it into the flames and pulled out several charred bodies. He took a big bite and smiled once more.

“Smurf-ca bobs,” laughed HHB.

The war raged on for another fifty seconds. We stomped out thousands of smurfs, as the few survivors ran out for their lives with a purple stained Benny hot on their heels.

As the stadium went quiet, all the crowds gone, we took in the scene of devastation. It was quite impressive. One side of the arena was still smoldering in flames, while a countless number of bodies littered everywhere. And where ever the bodies weren't, purple blood was stained. It dripped down the walls surrounding us.

“Jerk,” said WOW, as she slapped me.

“Ow,” I said, remembering that I had one coming from earlier. She hit me again after that.

“That's for not helping me with the possum.”

“Hey, is that anyway to treat the man who saved your life? Its not his fault you are blonde and ended up trying to make out with a possum” joked Chuckles. WOW didn't say anything, or have an expression. She walked over and stood face to face with him. Then without warning she kicked him square in the jewels. Chuckles doubled over and fell to the ground, experiencing the agony every man has felt but never wants to go through.

“Think of his children,” said a wincing HHB, laughing as he felt Chuckles's pain.

“If we are lucky, he won't have any now,” said Jules, before I had the chance to say anything clever.

With tears of pain streaming down his cheeks, Chuckles stood back to his feet. But then out of nowhere came DDP. He kicked Chuckles in his still aching middle region and planted him with a Stone Cold Stunner. (Still don't know what it is? Go to youtube and type it in)

“What now!?!” screamed DDP in a deep voice. He turn and sprinted for the outer wall, only to slip on smurf blood. He tried to regain his footing, but crashed into the wall. It brought him to a dead stop before he fell down.

Realizing he had ruined the coolness of his entrance, he quickly got up and scrambled out of site. At least he didn't put a light saber to anyone's throat.

“Well,” I began, “We broke the number one rule in youth group.”

“What's that?” asked HHB, still looking at Chuckles trying to make sense of what just happened.

“We made purple,” I joked, “with a lot of smurfs.”

Chapter Ten: When the Truth Came Out

So far, we had survived crashing into an unknown dimension, an epic duel with the power rangers, an encounter with a now retarded two legged tiger, a war with drug trafficking leprechauns, and a dinner with bloodthirsty smurfs. But all that paled in comparison to this new threat. Mr. Rogers, the evil sweater wearing Lord of the Sith now stood between me and destiny. Not exactly how I had pictured my life ending.

Through the dim light of my shades, I pointed my Walther at his face, knowing fully well that at any moment he could bend the force to snatch it from my hand. Using my free arm, I pushed WOW behind me.

I re-holstered my gun and got in my angry redneck stance. (If you are not a redneck you have no idea what that is) Mr. Rogers turned off his light saber and smiled. As I prepared to tackle his neighborhood loving hide to the floor, I saw a red beam burst forth from the left. It hummed at an alarming rate of speed, slicing of Mr. Rogers's right arm.

Mr. Rogers looked down at his arm, then over at Jimmy, only something was different about him. Jimmy wasn't hobbit sized anymore. He was standing at my height, wielding a Sith light saber.

“So, its like that Darth Dance with Ponies,” said Mr. Rogers, obviously talking to his now former apprenctice. “You have become a little PAB (Once again, I have edited this comment for content, only I used an acronym. It will probably leave you guessing all night long.).”

“The end has come for you, my master,” said DDP (formerly known as Jimmy), “Soon, you will be dead. And I will have a new apprentice.” Mr. Rogers chuckled as he stared at an unconscious HHB.

“Hippie girl?” laughed Mr. Rogers, “That's your new apprentice? I think you have let your personal feelings get in the way of your decision making.”

“She is a boy,” said DDP.

“Oh, so your girlfriend is one of those,” said Mr. Rogers, “To each his own.” Growing more and more disturbed with the situation, I reached for my Walther again, hoping Mr. Rogers was distracted by DDP. Unfortunately, he wasn't. Using the force, my gun was rip from my hand and into Mr. Rogers's floating right hand.

“This is my neighborhood,” said Mr. Rogers, before popping off a round. I turn and dove to the ground behind me, inadvertently tackling WOW who was standing behind me. The light sabers clashed behind us, lighting up the cave walls in a red glow.

DDP angrily took swipes at Mr. Rogers's head. He ducked or blocked each strike with relative ease. Before DDP could even react, the floating arm flew in and smashed the butt of the Walther in his eye.

DDP fell to the ground, grabbing his face. Mr. Rogers walked over and stood above him. He raised his light saber up, ready to deliver the final blow. As it came crashing down, it was met with a purple blade. HHB was back in the fight, only not wearing pants.

They both backed up and stared each other down like to mountain rams fighting for territory. Mr. Rogers stood tall and cocky in his black sweater and his tennis shoes. His intensity was matched by HHB's flowing golden strands, hairy legs, and pooped stained underpants (HHB had turned them inside out and put them back on).

“Another little PAB,” said Mr. Rogers, “You have two options, my little hippie friend. Join me or die.” HHB shook his hair from his eyes and charged toward him. Again their light saber's clashed. Mr. Rogers attempted the same trick as before. The floating arm snuck in, only HHB was ready for it. He did a cool back spin, and sliced off the hand. The arm fell to the floor separately from the hand, dropping the gun against the cold stone floor.

HHB whirled back around and locked sabers with Mr. Rogers. They both struggled to gain control. Mr. Rogers age and experience were matched by HHB's speed and strength.

“You don't have what it takes to defeat me young one,” said Mr. Rogers.

“Oh yeah,” said HHB, “Well, I have something you don't have.”

“What is that?”

“A golden ticket,” said HHB. Before anyone could break into song or Mr. Rogers could make sense of what was said, HHB did another spin and neatly cut off Mr. Rogers head.

HHB walked over to his pants and put them back on, like nothing happened. I still was trying to figure out what happened, when I felt a soft hand slap me across the face.

“Get off me,” said WOW. That's when I realized I was laying on top of her. I quickly jumped to my feet and dusted myself off. I walked over to Chuckles, who was just beginning to wake up. And through the dim lighting, I saw a small bruise was swelling on his forehead.

“What happened?” asked Chuckles.

“Mr. Rogers was the evil Lord of the Sith,” I said, “Jimmy isn't Jimmy, but Mr. Rogers's apprentice named Darth Dances with Ponies. And HHB killed Mr. Rogers.”

“Oh, so all the excitement, as usual,” said Chuckles, “Is there something wrong with my face?”

“Yes,” joked WOW, before me or HHB could pipe up.

“Like right here,” said Chuckles, pointing to the giant goose egg on his forehead.

“Nope,” I said, “It looks normal.” Realizing we were stealing an entire scene from Tommy Boy, I decided to stop. “HHB, what was that nonsense about a Golden Ticket?”

Before he could even explain, a red light saber cut across HHB's face. Blocking his throat in what was becoming typical Sith fashion. Only it was DDP this time.

At this point, I had had enough of all this force nonsense, and all the light sabers. And them taking my gun from me without actually taking it from me. So I kicked DDP in the gut, causing him to drop his light saber and bend over. Wasting no time, I immediately planted him with a Stone Cold Stunner. Most of you have no idea what that is, but just know that somewhere out there is a Texas rattlesnake who is laughing and drinking a beer.

“Ranger, your bleeding!!!” shouted WOW, pointing to the back of my pants. I reached to my behind and felt blood coming from it.

“I got shot in the buttocks,” I said in my Forrest Gump accent. Then the room began to spin, the lights began to fade, and my stomach grew upset as my butt felt like I had a serious case of the runs. As my face bounced off the cold rock of the cave floor, I could make out the sounds of the others scurrying about. Then before I lost my half consciousness, I felt tiny hands on me.

Chapter Nine: Devoured by Vermin

Once more, I woke up from being unconscious, again my head throbbing. It was becoming an all too familiar situation. At least it wasn’t our own fault this time.

The unique smell of damp rock filled my nostrils as I opened my eyes to see were in some sort of cave. I was chained in an upright position to the wall. To my left were all the others, even Benny. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the most disturbing thing.

In the middle of the cave lay the gay smiling troll, strapped to what looked to be a sacrifice table. And I had a feeling we weren’t going to be too far behind.

“Where are we?” asked Chuckles.

“In a bit of a pickle,” I said.

“Hey, why aren’t I wearing any pants?” asked HHB. I looked past Chuckles, then WOW, and sure enough his pants were gone. He was chained in his shirt and underpants, like something out of a sick S&M porno (You would think marriage would be enough chains for some people).

“That is not something I want to see when I first gain consciousness,” said WOW, staring at his hairy white legs. We would have to find his pants later, we had a more pressing issue.

“Hey, ugly,” I shouted at the troll. He turned his head to look at me, smiling as usual. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

“Can you break free?” I asked.

“No.”

“I got this,” said HHB, “I’ve been meaning to practice my force powers anyway.” He closed his eyes and began to focus really hard. The cuffs around his wrists began to shake, but they still remained in place. HHB then scrunched his face and concentrated harder, only this time he did it too hard. Instead, a soft and steady rumbling was heard as a small vibration made its way across the cave wall. A few seconds later there was a terrible new smell in the cave.

“That’s disgusting,” said WOW, pushing her face down into her shirt. Chuckles and I did our best not to gag, Jimmy didn’t notice, Shortstuff puked all over herself, and HHB looked around with an unembarrassed smile.

“I’m going to need a clean pair of underpants,” said HHB. I laughed because I thought he was joking, but as I studied his face I realized he wasn’t. I looked down, and sure enough, I saw a duce hanging from his tighty whiteys.

“Someone’s coming,” said Jimmy, before I could fully take in the richness of the moment. I looked at the dark tunnel and could see tiny shadows moving towards us, getting larger the closer they got. I watched the shadow walk past us and enlarge on the unoccupied cave wall. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it looked massive.

I looked back at the tunnel, and saw nothing there. But then I noticed a movement. It was definitely not big, for when it had climbed upon the table, I realized it was a freaking smurf.  How did we get captured by a flea sized peon such as this? I was embarrassed.

The smurf walked upon top of the troll’s chest, studying him for a moment, paying no attention to us. The troll giggled, possibly being tickled by the smurf’s feet. I hoped that is all it was doing to him. After a few moments of examination, the smurf left.

“I have a funny feeling about this,” said HHB.

“Could it be from the turtle head poking out your rear end?” Chuckles asked.

“What are we going to do?” asked WOW, looking at me.

“I’m working on it,” I said, “you can try clicking your heals together three times.” I got another death glare. I was sure I was going to break the world record at the rate I was going.

Before I could come up with a plan to save us, I saw an army of miniature torches coming down the tunnel. A sea of smurfs marched in, chanting in some demonic tone. One peeled of from the pack and took perch standing on top of the troll. It was different from the rest. The others were wearing white overalls with a flimsy white cap. This one had wore red, and was carrying a large carving knife.

“I think they are going to cut out his heart, and try to steal his soul,” whispered HHB, almost excitedly. What can I say, other than he is a pk.

“Maybe this is just how they do circumcisions around here,” whispered Chuckles.

The red one mumbled some gibberish like a Pentecostal, and used both hands to raise the knife above his head. It plunged the blade down into the troll’s abdomen, proceeding to curve him like a giant green pumpkin. It slashed upon the troll’s gut, then using its hands, it pulled back the troll’s skin, exposing the intestines and lower organs.

Reaching in, the red clothed smurf pulled out chunks of different things, and tossed them into the frenzing crowd around the table. They caught the raw flesh, and devoured it hungrily. Blood ran down from the troll and dripped from the table down into the open mouths of more smurfs.

The poor troll giggled (no he didn’t panic, he laughed) as it kicked its legs trying to break free. As more and more of his inwards were removed, he raised his head and began to spit out blood amongst the giggles. His breathing increased, until suddenly it stopped. The troll’s eyes went lifeless, and his head fell to the table.

Somewhat disturbed and a little bummed, I looked at the others. Chuckles had a blank stare, WOW wasn’t looking at all, HHB was the same as Chuckles, Jimmy was unusually happy, and Shortstuff…well, her stature made it hard to see her.

As our hope began to fade, and the stench from HHB started to grow more intense, the smurfs came back. Blood covered their faces, and I could tell they were still hungry. They studied us, trying to decide which of us would make the better dessert. Suddenly this psycho green skinned, hobbit sized chick jumped out from the shadows. She started swinging the troll’s club. The smurfs were no much for her power as one by one they were struck. The fear stricken from their faces as they splattered against the cave wall in a purple and blue abstract painting.

“Boom!” she shouted, running to the troll’s side. She cried as she stared into its lifeless eyes, each tear dropping on to his mutilated carcass.

“Hey,” I said, “whoever you are, could you get us out of here?” She looked at me, and as I saw a flash of anger. Picking up the club, the chick charged at me. (This is an all too familiar incident) Defenseless, I turned my head and braced for impact. Instead, all I felt was the chain vibrate and break loose from the wall.

Wasting no time for introductions, I rushed to my comrades. One by one, they all were freed. HHB immediately found his pants in a heap in the corner of the room.

“Turn your head,” he said.

“Aww, but I wanted to see,” said Chuckles.

“I definitely don’t,” said WOW.

“Me neither,” said the crazy chick.

“Don’t worry,” said HHB, “Its not Thursday.”

“Thanks for saving our necks,” I began, deciding not to put a gun to the chick‘s head. “And who might you be?”

“I am Jules,” said the chick, “The big lug over there was my brother and husband.” Chuckles and I looked at each other and snickered. “You see, my father was a troll, who watched this very bridge. And my mother was a hobbit who was orphaned at a young age, by those evil leprechauns. My father took her in, and they fell in love. I was the only offspring from their marriage.”

So they were half-brother and sister. That made it a little better, but it was still really weird. But then again, what about Wally World has been normal thus far into our tale?

I started to speak again, but before I could a red beam of a light saber cut across in front of my throat. I looked over and saw the dark lord of the Sith, his terrible evil eyes, and instantly I felt betrayed. For it was Mr. Rogers. I had always loved that show as a kid.

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, Mother Duckers [I can’t repeat what he really said, but I think you get the idea],” said Mr. Rogers, kind of sounding thuggish.

“Save me, Jimmy,” said Shortstuff. Before Jimmy could do anything, Mr. Rogers used the force to drag Shortstuff to him. As she mystically floated through the air at a high rate of speed, Mr. Rogers swung his light saber and sliced through her as she passed by. She crashed into the cave wall behind him, head rolling one way and the body falling slumped over another.

“I’ll handle this,” said Chuckles, only as Batman. Not wanting to see me my buddy turned into over cooked diced smurf food, I did the only thing I could. I pistol whipped him across the face, knocking him out cold. Sure, Chuckles would have a huge knot on his forehead, but he would be a live to thank me later.

“Ranger,” HHB said, “Its time to bring it.” Before I could remember he was quoting one of my youth lessons, he jumped across the cave, wielding his purple light saber. Sparks flew as red met purple, as the two began their dance with destiny.

It was short lived, Mr. Rogers was skilled with the force. As they paused in an intense stare down, he threw out some force lightening, catching HHB off guard. The blue streaks of electricity shrieked passed HHB’s light saber and into his chest. The force of the blow sent him flying backwards into the hard stone behind him, leaving his shoes and pants in a heap on the floor.

Seeing how it was me, a half hobbit half troll, a hobbit, and a one useless powered witch left, I put my shades on. I knew I wasn’t going to make it out a live, but I was going to at least try and make him remember me.