Chapter Nine: Devoured by Vermin

Once more, I woke up from being unconscious, again my head throbbing. It was becoming an all too familiar situation. At least it wasn’t our own fault this time.

The unique smell of damp rock filled my nostrils as I opened my eyes to see were in some sort of cave. I was chained in an upright position to the wall. To my left were all the others, even Benny. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the most disturbing thing.

In the middle of the cave lay the gay smiling troll, strapped to what looked to be a sacrifice table. And I had a feeling we weren’t going to be too far behind.

“Where are we?” asked Chuckles.

“In a bit of a pickle,” I said.

“Hey, why aren’t I wearing any pants?” asked HHB. I looked past Chuckles, then WOW, and sure enough his pants were gone. He was chained in his shirt and underpants, like something out of a sick S&M porno (You would think marriage would be enough chains for some people).

“That is not something I want to see when I first gain consciousness,” said WOW, staring at his hairy white legs. We would have to find his pants later, we had a more pressing issue.

“Hey, ugly,” I shouted at the troll. He turned his head to look at me, smiling as usual. “Are you alright?”

“Yes.”

“Can you break free?” I asked.

“No.”

“I got this,” said HHB, “I’ve been meaning to practice my force powers anyway.” He closed his eyes and began to focus really hard. The cuffs around his wrists began to shake, but they still remained in place. HHB then scrunched his face and concentrated harder, only this time he did it too hard. Instead, a soft and steady rumbling was heard as a small vibration made its way across the cave wall. A few seconds later there was a terrible new smell in the cave.

“That’s disgusting,” said WOW, pushing her face down into her shirt. Chuckles and I did our best not to gag, Jimmy didn’t notice, Shortstuff puked all over herself, and HHB looked around with an unembarrassed smile.

“I’m going to need a clean pair of underpants,” said HHB. I laughed because I thought he was joking, but as I studied his face I realized he wasn’t. I looked down, and sure enough, I saw a duce hanging from his tighty whiteys.

“Someone’s coming,” said Jimmy, before I could fully take in the richness of the moment. I looked at the dark tunnel and could see tiny shadows moving towards us, getting larger the closer they got. I watched the shadow walk past us and enlarge on the unoccupied cave wall. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it looked massive.

I looked back at the tunnel, and saw nothing there. But then I noticed a movement. It was definitely not big, for when it had climbed upon the table, I realized it was a freaking smurf.  How did we get captured by a flea sized peon such as this? I was embarrassed.

The smurf walked upon top of the troll’s chest, studying him for a moment, paying no attention to us. The troll giggled, possibly being tickled by the smurf’s feet. I hoped that is all it was doing to him. After a few moments of examination, the smurf left.

“I have a funny feeling about this,” said HHB.

“Could it be from the turtle head poking out your rear end?” Chuckles asked.

“What are we going to do?” asked WOW, looking at me.

“I’m working on it,” I said, “you can try clicking your heals together three times.” I got another death glare. I was sure I was going to break the world record at the rate I was going.

Before I could come up with a plan to save us, I saw an army of miniature torches coming down the tunnel. A sea of smurfs marched in, chanting in some demonic tone. One peeled of from the pack and took perch standing on top of the troll. It was different from the rest. The others were wearing white overalls with a flimsy white cap. This one had wore red, and was carrying a large carving knife.

“I think they are going to cut out his heart, and try to steal his soul,” whispered HHB, almost excitedly. What can I say, other than he is a pk.

“Maybe this is just how they do circumcisions around here,” whispered Chuckles.

The red one mumbled some gibberish like a Pentecostal, and used both hands to raise the knife above his head. It plunged the blade down into the troll’s abdomen, proceeding to curve him like a giant green pumpkin. It slashed upon the troll’s gut, then using its hands, it pulled back the troll’s skin, exposing the intestines and lower organs.

Reaching in, the red clothed smurf pulled out chunks of different things, and tossed them into the frenzing crowd around the table. They caught the raw flesh, and devoured it hungrily. Blood ran down from the troll and dripped from the table down into the open mouths of more smurfs.

The poor troll giggled (no he didn’t panic, he laughed) as it kicked its legs trying to break free. As more and more of his inwards were removed, he raised his head and began to spit out blood amongst the giggles. His breathing increased, until suddenly it stopped. The troll’s eyes went lifeless, and his head fell to the table.

Somewhat disturbed and a little bummed, I looked at the others. Chuckles had a blank stare, WOW wasn’t looking at all, HHB was the same as Chuckles, Jimmy was unusually happy, and Shortstuff…well, her stature made it hard to see her.

As our hope began to fade, and the stench from HHB started to grow more intense, the smurfs came back. Blood covered their faces, and I could tell they were still hungry. They studied us, trying to decide which of us would make the better dessert. Suddenly this psycho green skinned, hobbit sized chick jumped out from the shadows. She started swinging the troll’s club. The smurfs were no much for her power as one by one they were struck. The fear stricken from their faces as they splattered against the cave wall in a purple and blue abstract painting.

“Boom!” she shouted, running to the troll’s side. She cried as she stared into its lifeless eyes, each tear dropping on to his mutilated carcass.

“Hey,” I said, “whoever you are, could you get us out of here?” She looked at me, and as I saw a flash of anger. Picking up the club, the chick charged at me. (This is an all too familiar incident) Defenseless, I turned my head and braced for impact. Instead, all I felt was the chain vibrate and break loose from the wall.

Wasting no time for introductions, I rushed to my comrades. One by one, they all were freed. HHB immediately found his pants in a heap in the corner of the room.

“Turn your head,” he said.

“Aww, but I wanted to see,” said Chuckles.

“I definitely don’t,” said WOW.

“Me neither,” said the crazy chick.

“Don’t worry,” said HHB, “Its not Thursday.”

“Thanks for saving our necks,” I began, deciding not to put a gun to the chick‘s head. “And who might you be?”

“I am Jules,” said the chick, “The big lug over there was my brother and husband.” Chuckles and I looked at each other and snickered. “You see, my father was a troll, who watched this very bridge. And my mother was a hobbit who was orphaned at a young age, by those evil leprechauns. My father took her in, and they fell in love. I was the only offspring from their marriage.”

So they were half-brother and sister. That made it a little better, but it was still really weird. But then again, what about Wally World has been normal thus far into our tale?

I started to speak again, but before I could a red beam of a light saber cut across in front of my throat. I looked over and saw the dark lord of the Sith, his terrible evil eyes, and instantly I felt betrayed. For it was Mr. Rogers. I had always loved that show as a kid.

“It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, Mother Duckers [I can’t repeat what he really said, but I think you get the idea],” said Mr. Rogers, kind of sounding thuggish.

“Save me, Jimmy,” said Shortstuff. Before Jimmy could do anything, Mr. Rogers used the force to drag Shortstuff to him. As she mystically floated through the air at a high rate of speed, Mr. Rogers swung his light saber and sliced through her as she passed by. She crashed into the cave wall behind him, head rolling one way and the body falling slumped over another.

“I’ll handle this,” said Chuckles, only as Batman. Not wanting to see me my buddy turned into over cooked diced smurf food, I did the only thing I could. I pistol whipped him across the face, knocking him out cold. Sure, Chuckles would have a huge knot on his forehead, but he would be a live to thank me later.

“Ranger,” HHB said, “Its time to bring it.” Before I could remember he was quoting one of my youth lessons, he jumped across the cave, wielding his purple light saber. Sparks flew as red met purple, as the two began their dance with destiny.

It was short lived, Mr. Rogers was skilled with the force. As they paused in an intense stare down, he threw out some force lightening, catching HHB off guard. The blue streaks of electricity shrieked passed HHB’s light saber and into his chest. The force of the blow sent him flying backwards into the hard stone behind him, leaving his shoes and pants in a heap on the floor.

Seeing how it was me, a half hobbit half troll, a hobbit, and a one useless powered witch left, I put my shades on. I knew I wasn’t going to make it out a live, but I was going to at least try and make him remember me.