You know what they say, if you can’t stone them, get stoned with them. So that is what we did. I can’t really tell you what happened after, its all a bit hazy for a few hours. But when we came back to our normal senses, Chuckles was Chuckles again, HHB was missing his pants, Benny was still messed up, and WOW and Larry were gone.“Did I miss something?” said a groggy Chuckles.
“No, only you running into a cow,” said HHB, “Where is the witch and our little green friend?”
“I don’t know,” I said. It seems the little leprechaun got us high and kidnapped the witch. And judging by the little day light left, we were probably a good ways behind.
“What do we do?” asked HHB.
“I don’t really know,” I said. WOW could be in serious trouble, so we had to help her. “But, here is what I have so far. Find the bad guys, kill them, and save the damsel in distress.”
“Sounds like my kind of party,” said Chuckles, “Do you have any idea of where they went?”
“No,” I said.
“Why?” asked Chuckles, “What happened to you guys?”
“Let’s just say the pot of gold isn’t what we thought it was,” said HHB, then he used his hands to mimic smoking a joint.
“Are you serious? You guys got high?” asked Chuckles.
“Because I got high,” HHB and I started to sing.
“Why wasn’t I apart of this?” Chuckles asked.
“Because you were too busy being batman,” HHB said, “You fought a cow, and it won. Then you attacked a man-bear-pig and it won.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah,” I said, then I pointed to Benny. He was chowing down on the remains. We watched as he pulled a piece of intestine out and pulled on it. It stretched, squirting blood and bodily fluids all over Benny’s face. Finally it snapped, and Benny slurped it down like a piece of pasta.
We sat for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do, but we had no clue. The only thing we did know was our friend needed help.
“Hey look,” said HHB pointing to Princess, again appearing in his blue orb form. This time he was standing at what looked to be a urinal, oblivious to the fact we were watching him.
“Hey there, sexy,” shouted Chuckles. Princess looked around, a bit confused. Zipping himself back up, and whirled around do see us behind him. Thankfully, he zipped himself first.
“Perverts” said Princess.
“Only on Thursdays,” said Chuckles. You see every Thursday is known as “Man Love Thursday.” The title is self explanatory, except not as gross as your gutter filled mind is thinking.
“Did you figure out how to get us home?” I asked.
“No, I thought it had something to do with the burrito at the Bell, but apparently not,” said Princess, “But I have acquired Cheapo to help in the efforts.”
“That’s good,” said HHB, “Have you guys acquired a wanted status yet?”
“Only on GTA,” said Princess. Cheapo was a very unique individual. He loved video games, pro wrestling, hunting, but not as much as blowing things up. So if he was helping Princess, then it would only be a matter of time. “So anything interesting happen to you guys?”
“We killed the power rangers, met a witch, gained a retarded pet tiger, and got high with a leprechaun,” answered HHB, “but nothing too exciting yet.”
“Yeah, and apparently, I’m batman,” said Chuckles, half jokingly.
“Sounds like a good time,” said Princess.
“Speaking of which,” I began, “We are supposed to be protecting this witch right now, but the leprechaun has taken her. Any words of advice?” I don’t know why I asked, considering his last set of help. But who knows, maybe it might be better.
Princess got his thinking face on, and pondered it over for a minute. That’s when I knew this wasn’t going to help at all.
“In 1209 on a hot summer day there was a guy who was ordered to be executed by the king. The king was a nice king though and he said that if the guy could prove himself wise, he would let him go. The king filled the room with fake flowers, hiding in one real one. The king gave the guy 15 seconds to find the real one. ‘Can you open the window? Its hot in here,’ asked the man. The king did so and right away the man found the flower. How did he do it?” asked Princess.
“He was gay,” shouted Chuckles.
“No, that is you,” answered Princess.
“Only on Thursdays,” said Chuckles.
“No, the man saw a bee come in the window and land on the flower,” said Princess. I was right, it didn’t help. “By the way, HHB, why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“Because Chuckles wears the pants in their relationship,” I joked, once again laughing at my own cleverness.
“I have no clue why,” said HHB, ignoring me, “I have no clue where they are.”
“They over there.” Princess then pointed behind us. We turned around to see Benny running with the pants in his mouth. Part of the right leg was torn off up to the knee. It was a good thing we weren’t worried about modesty, HHB would be showing his ankles.
I turned to tell Princess thanks for his none usefulness, but he was already gone. Once again, we had to figure it out for ourselves.
“HHB, you shave those hairy legs a bit, and you might give WOW a run for her money,” joked Chuckles, looking at HHB’s now bear ankle.
HHB was about to say something when Benny let out a whale sounding roar…yes like a whale. His crossed eyes were staring intently into the woods. Drawing our fire arms, we cautiously approached. That is when we heard the humming of a light saber. And the through the tangled mess of tree limbs and leaves, we saw a fat brown cloaked figure and a green glow slashing at a nearby tree. This man appeared to be disturbed.
“Get back,” yelled the man, still frantically swinging, “This tree is full of Sith spies.” We walked up behind him, looked up into the tree. There was nobody there, but not wanting to upset the man, I turned to Chuckles. We put on our shades, and opened up on the tree.
After two magazines each, and none stop slicing from the mysterious stranger, the tree let out a loud groan and started to fall. The only problem was it was headed towards us.
Chuckles and I dove off to the side, doing a combat roll back to our feet. Looking back, we saw the man standing there, the tree falling toward him, threatening to make him a human pudding cup. A speeding blur of flowing hair burst past us and tackled the fellow, knocking them both away from the tree which thundered to the ground, echoing throughout the whole area.
“Ralph Nader is going to upset,” said Chuckles, looking at the tree lying on the ground. I looked at the chubby man lying on the ground, his plumpness was making it hard for him to get up. After several minutes of flailing his arms and legs he managed to get to his feet. Cautious of everyone at this point, I put the gun to his head.
“You have until I pull the trigger to give me your name,” I said, “and I have an itchy finger.”
“I mean you no harm,” said the man, who had a look of surprise hidden by thick red beard on his face. “I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.” He took of his hood, and sure enough it was Luke. A bit aged and rounder since the last film, but it was him.
“Its an honor, sir,” I said, quickly putting my gun away. I shook his hand, so did HHB. Chuckles was too much in shock to move.
“And you, young one,” Luke said turning to HHB, “the force is strong with you.” It was our turn to look surprised. The only thing I could think was the hair.
“Well, those MREs do make you gassy,” said HHB, trying to play it off.
“I’m serious,” said Luke, “For too long now, I have been the last of Jedi. And my days are numbered, its time to pass on my knowledge to someone else.”
“Are you wanting me to become your apprentice?” asked HHB.
“Either that, or he wants to marry you,” I said. Luke gave me a strange look, as if I should know better. Chuckles laughed.
“Become who you were born to be,” said Luke, “Fulfill your destiny. Join me, HHB.” And just like that, HHB was a Jedi Padawan. “Now we must find pieces to construct you a light saber.”
“As great and sappy as this moment is,” I began, proud to see our little HHB growing up, “We need your help with something first.”
Luke listened intently as we explained to him our twisted story. Then we told him about the leprechaun and how he had kidnapped WOW.
“Never smoke weed, and don’t ever trust a leprechaun,” said Luke, “Haven’t you ever seen the Leprechaun movies? They are only after one thing.”
“Thanks, mom,” I said, no wanting to get lectured by an old and overweight hermit.
“Hey, show the man some respect,” Chuckles said, “He stood up and fought the Emperor.”
“And got electrocuted,” I snapped back, “His record in Sith duels isn’t that impressive to me. He loses his hand to Vader, then Vader had to save his skin against the Emperor.”
“Enough on my successes and failures,” Luke began. I didn’t recall saying anything about his successes, but whatever floats his boat. “I know where the leprechauns hang out. But it won’t be an easy task. They are vicious warriors that ride on giant elephants.”
“How vicious?” I asked.
“Have you seen 300?” asked Luke. So we were going up miniature Spartans, sounded like a good time. So Chuckles/Batman, HHB the Jedi padawan, Luke Skywalker, Benny the retarded tiger, and myself set off to find the witch.
We traveled over the river and through the woods, but we didn’t find grandmas house. Instead, we found thousands of leprechauns sitting on elephants in a small village sitting in a small clearing. Our gang took refuge in the trees, trying to figure out how to commence our suicide attack.
“Hey, what’s this?” asked Chuckles. I walked over to him and saw a large crate stamped with US Army all over it. Since it was conveniently located, we popped the top open. As I looked inside my legs went weak, my palms started sweating, as if I were talking to the world’s hottest girl.
“What is it?” asked Chuckles.
“This,” I said, reaching in and pulling out a bazooka like object, “is an anti-tank gun.” There were four more inside, with enough rounds to take over France…okay maybe that was a bad example. “All we need now is something to draw them this way.”
“As usual,” said HHB, “Benny is all over it.” We looked to see Benny standing about thirty yards in front of us. He let out his hilarious roar, and fearlessly charged. The leprechauns immediately took notice of him.
They started screaming, then a flock of them armed with spears charged toward Benny. The running elephants shook the ground, as if Chuckles’s mom was jumping on the bed. As they neared for the epic tiger versus elephant collision, Benny leapt six feet off the ground with claws fully extended at an oncoming elephant. Using its trunk, it grabbed Benny and launched him through the air, and into the oncoming pile behind them. We sat stunned and helpless as our companion disappeared into a cloud of dust and thudding feet.
“BENNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” screamed HHB, standing to his feet. He placed the bazooka on his shoulder, and pushed the red button. Flames shot out the back end of the barrel as the rocket surged out into the oncoming herd. It crushed into the center of their line, lighting up the evening sky. Smoke, fire, blood, leprechauns, and elephant parts rained down.
“For Benny,” I said, patting HHB on the shoulder. We all stood by him and opened fire. Our brave, but ignorant, enemies came toward us only to be blown to smithereens.
The lopsided battle raged on for two more minutes. As the smoke cleared, we could see no elephant or leprechaun were left a live. It would be a time long remembered in Wally World as the day the elephant flew.
“Well,” I said, looking at the burning village off in the distance, “I hope WOW survived.”
“Of course I did,” she said, standing behind me. Scaring me so bad, I wished I had a clean pair of pants.
“Where the heck have you been?” asked HHB, like a concerned father.
“Did they harm you?” asked Chuckles.
“Did who harm me?” WOW asked, “And who is that guy?”
“That is Luke Skywalker,” I answered, “But never mind him. How did you get away from the leprechauns?” WOW looked at me in only the way a confused blonde would. Then after what seemed like an eternity, it finally clicked.
“Oh,” she giggled, “You guys thought the leprechauns got me. No, no, no, I disappeared the minute you guys started taking puffs of the magic dragon and HHB took his pants off. I didn’t know what to expect.” I looked at Luke. Then at HHB. Then at Chuckles. I would have given Benny the same look of disgust, but it was at that moment I realized Benny was still out there somewhere.
“Oh my…” I solemnly said, dropping my bazooka and running toward the battlefield, hoping our friend hadn't paid the ultimate sacrifice for the needless bloodshed.
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