“Hey, hey, are you okay?” I shouted at him, shaking him. He made a few grunts, obviously the airbag had the same effect on him.
Remembering my humvee rollover training, I unbuckled my seat belt, and repositioned myself. Chuckles followed suit. I grabbed the door handle, but it wouldn’t budge. So I used my shoulder and gave it a good charge. The door creaked open, but just enough to fit my hand through. Trying a different approach, I laid on my back, feet toward the door. This time, my legs blasted it open.
Crawling out, I noticed that we were in a strange place. We had landed in open field, on top of a hill. Green grass surrounded us, and there was a small dying tree to our left. A giant rainbow arched over us, going way up to the sky. Then down the hill and through some trees in front of us, I saw what looked to be a castle. Something weird was going on.
“Where are we?” asked Chuckles, crawling out of the wreckage.
“By my calculations, somewhere between Narnia, Oz, and Neverland. But definitely somewhere over the rainbow” I said, smiling at my own cleverness. Really, I had not clue where we were. “At least we lost the popo.”
“What now?”
“My guess, HHB is around here somewhere,” I said, “He must have got pushed out of the swing into an alternate dimension.”
Figuring the tree line would be our best place to figure things out, I decided to gather what supplies I could from the GSLP. Crawling back inside, I reached into what remained of the back seat and grabbed my black assault pack. Tossing it out, I grabbed the case of bottled water.
Crawling back out, I looked into my bag to take stock. Some medical supplies, such as gauze, trauma bandages, an iv bag, and a few ace wraps. Not to mention the combat load of ammunition for my pistol (always prepared). Also I found a few yummy military issue MRE’s. Those would be good if we got desperate for food, or needed to resort to biological warfare.
Loading the water, I rucked it up and we started to march down hill to the wooded area.
“I hope you had insurance,” said Chuckles, as we were some ways from the car.
“Ya, I do,” I said, “At least it didn’t blow up.” As soon as those words left my mouth, we heard a deafening boom that Hellen Keller could have heard. A massive force of energy knocked us both to the ground. I quickly covered my head and got as low to the ground as possible, and I couldn’t tell you what Chuckles did. I was too busy trying not to mess myself.
After a few minutes, I looked up to see a flaming tire had missed my head by inches. Chuckles was still covering his head on the ground, rear end sticking up in the air. It’s a wonder nothing hit him. I walked over to him, and pulled him to his feet. He was shaking uncontrollably.
Realizing, we now had a strong fire going, I decided to hang out by the car, what was left of it. And the hill would give us a good vantage point to see anything coming towards us.
The afternoon came and went, and soon darkness began to set in. Chuckles had pulled a bag of marshmallows out of his pocket. I know, who keeps marshmallows in their pocket? Taking a few sticks off the dying tree, we made some roasting sticks. We spent the time laughing about our recent experiences and trying to figure out our next move.
And as if things couldn’t get any more messed up, they did. Out of nowhere, my little brother, Princess, appeared. But he wasn’t actually physically there. If you have seen Star Wars (if you haven’t seen Star Wars, then your life is incomplete, get out from underneath your rock and go watch all six of them right now) you know how Obi Won appeared in a blue force thing and gave Luke advice, it was like that.
“Princess?” I asked, trying to figure out what was going on. He was sitting at a table, eating what looked like a burrito. Only he had taken a bite and the opposite end had exploded all over his shirt.
“What’s up Ranger?” He said, also appearing confused. “Why do you look so blue?”
“My car exploded,” I said, “Not to mention we are stuck in an alternate dimension.”
“Then why can I see you?”
“Beats me.”
“Do you think you can get us out of here?” asked Chuckles.
“I don’t know, all I did was eat a chicken burrito,” Princess answered, “I always knew there was something magical about this place.”
“Well, while you are working on that, we could use your help,” I said, “We are trying to find HHB, he was pushed out of the swing into Middle Earth, and we can’t find him.”
Continuing to eat another burrito, I could tell Princess was pondering the question. He had always been more book smart than me, and could come up with a plan for almost any situation.
“Here is what I can tell you,” He finally said, cheese hanging from his mouth, “The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall on its right side.”
“Useful,” I said, perturbed that his information had nothing to do with our problem. He must have realized that I wanted to pound him, again.
“Sorry,” He said, “that’s all I got. No if you don’t mind, I will get back to my burrito.” Then as quickly as he appeared, he was gone. Leaving me and Chuckles to figure it out.
“The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall on its right side. Are you serious?” Chuckles shouted, “What does that mean." I began to analyze the statement. Perhaps it was some sort of riddle.
Looking to my right, I saw a small dirt path heading into the woods, toward the castle. I don’t know if Princess had intended for us to find that useful, but I figured it was our best bet. Maybe we could at least find someone who could tell us where we were, help us find HHB, and get back home. Not to much to ask?
“Let’s go down that path,” I said to a panicky Chuckles.
“Through the woods?” He asked, “Do you know what lives in the woods at night?”
“Trees, maybe a squirrel,” I said, “Are you afraid of squirrels?”
“No,” he replied, “But I am afraid of bears and wolves. Which also live in the woods at night. You go ahead, I’ll wait here.”
“And do what? Roast more marshmallows, like your in the girl scouts? Why not bake some cookies and sell them too?” I shouted, but my anger was only making him more stubborn. I decided to change my approach to a more gentle tone. I chambered a round into my Walther, and waved it for him to see. “We will be fine.”
“Fine, but I hope this goes better than your getaway plans.” He also chambered a round. I gathered up my pack and we started off down the path.
It was dark walking through the thick tree cover, we had to use the occasional glimpse of moonlight to keep us on the path. Fallen leaves crunched beneath our feet, making enough noise to alert the entire area to our presence. But thankfully, nothing eventful happened.
We walked right up to the castle gate, undetected. Unfortunately, the gate was locked. And we couldn’t see anyone on look out. A large stone wall kept us from going in.
Seeing some vines growing up on the stone wall, I decided to try and climb up them. I only hoped it wasn’t poison ivy, I get that stuff just by looking at it. To my surprise the vines held up, and soon we were both standing on top the castle wall.
Staring down into the town below, it looked deserted. No one was out, no lights were on.
“Over there,” whispered Chuckles, pointing to some sort of hall. I could make out some figures standing outside. We snuck along the back, hidden in the shadows. Finally making our way to a cart parked underneath a window. We cautiously looked through it, and what we saw made us wet our pants with laughter.
At last, we had found HHB. He was dressed in a yellow sun dress with big flowers on it. His hair was pulled into pig tails, one sticking off each side of his head. On top his head he was wearing one of those caps a court jester would wear. Which was fitting, because on a large stage in front of him sat a massive throne. Empty at the moment. But there looked to be guards on both sides of it. Not just any guards, but Power Rangers. I know, it was a screwed up picture, but they were there. The Red, Blue, Black, and Pink.
Debating whether to rescue HHB from his torture or tape it for You Tube, we broke out our cell phones and put on the recorder. HHB had a fiddle in his hand, only he was holding it like a guitar. The hundred or so people started dancing wildly as he began to play a familiar song, Rock star by Nickelback. Jamming away, HHB bounced his head like a punk rocker and song in an almost screaming metal voice. The people seemed to love it, they were going nuts.
With all the attention drawn elsewhere, it was now or never. Chuckles and I jumped through the window and landed on the checkered tiled floor below. It must have been quite the entrance, because it got the Power Rangers attention, and all the people scattered like cockroaches when the lights are turned on. HHB stopped playing and looked at us with a face that said get me out of here.
“You have interrupted a sacred ceremony,” said the Red Power Ranger, in an angry threatening tone.
“Let him go,” I said, pointing to HHB.
“She’s a boy?” said the Black Power Ranger, almost sounding embarrassed.
“Yes,” said Chuckles, “Let him go, or we will make a mess of things.” The four crusaders stepped forward, acting like they were big enough to do something. The flickering candle lights danced across the black lenses on their helmets, giving them a sinister appearance.
“Tyrannosaurs Rex,” shouted the Red one, then doing something weird with his hands. The other three then took their turn saying a random animal, then making similar odd hand movements. Not wanting to look stupid, I reached into my waist band and grabbed my PPK.
“Walther PPK,” I shouted, immediately pointing it at the Red one and pulling the trigger. I shot him in the face, his lifeless body fell limp to the floor. The back of his head splattered against the stage behind him.
Chuckles tried to fire his round, but the Blue one went on the offensive. Like a Kangaroo on speed, he did a flying ninja kick, sending Chuckles crashing through the table several feet behind him. The last thing I saw was Chuckles lying on the ground, throwing fruit out of a basket at him.
I was tackled to the floor by the Black one. He pinned me to the floor and was punching me in the face. About the fifth blow, I had enough, then the tenth blow I decided to do something about it. I quickly wrapped my legs around his head, trapping his arms between them. Grabbing hold of his arms, I thrust my hips up and pulled back on his arms. I pulled until I heard both of them snap. He rolled to the floor, screaming in obvious pain.
I hopped to my feet to finish him off with a kick in the head, but to my surprise the Pink one placed a roundhouse to my chin. Once again, I found myself on my back. This time I was in real trouble. I was a gentleman, therefore it was against my nature to cause physical harm to the opposite sex. As she kicked in my ribs, I struggled to find the right thing to do.
Wood particles burst from the back of her head, and she dropped to the floor. Behind her stood HHB in his pretty little dress with the neck of the fiddle in both hands, the broken base dangling by the strings.
Meanwhile, Chuckles had managed to gain the upper hand in his bout, he had the Blue one in a head lock. The Power Ranger kicked his legs and frantically tried to escape, but to no avail. Squeezing his arm tighter, Chuckles managed to cut of his blood flow, and soon the Blue one was snoring sound a sleep.
“Let’s get out of here,” said Chuckles, trying to catch his breath.
“Do I have to put pants on?” asked HHB, holding his dress and jokingly showing it off.
“No, but we’d prefer it,” I said.
Out of thin air appeared this blond chick. She was smoking hot with a water bottle in one hand and the other on her hips, and hair in a cheerleader‘s pony tail. She had a look on her face that said our death was near. I didn’t know whether to keep drooling or be scared, but either way we were screwed.
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