Chapter Four: Fear Da Tiger

I stared the evil blond right in the eyes, as did the other two, but she wasn’t backing down. Reaching into the my waist line, I felt for my gun, but it wasn’t there. It was laying on the floor next to a fallen power ranger.

The Blond must have realized my attentions, because she vanished into the thin air. Then I saw my gun get up off the floor, float through the air, and point itself at HHB’s head. She appeared again, and was the one holding the gun.

“One step closer, and your friend dies,” She said, eyeballing both of us. Realizing the situation, we took the French way out. We both held up our hands and stood still.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“I am Ranger, curly haired boy over there is Chuckles, and the guy in the flower dress, that is HHB,” I answered, in a calm, non-threatening voice.

“She’s a boy?” She answered, sounding surprised. “Bummer, that dress went so well with his hair and eyes.”

“I thought so too, and I love the pig tails. Did you do those?” I asked, trying to win her over with flattery.

“Yes,” she said, “Why have you killed my guards?”

“Self-defense,” Chuckles said. She must have not liked that answer because she pointed the gun at Chuckles. He took a couple steps backward.

“What he means is,” I began, trying to clarify, “Our friend here was pushed out of a swing into this….where ever we are. And somehow a simple police chase brought us here too. So were trying to rescue him.”

I was expecting her to laugh in our face and call us liars. But to my surprise, it looked like she believed us. Hopefully that meant she realized we weren’t terrorists.

“That little…I’m sorry,” she said, dropping the gun and letting HHB go. “You guys must have a lot of questions. Let me start by welcoming you to Wally World. I am the Witch of the West, ruler of all you see, sort of...”

A witch? A hot witch at that. Wally World? Sort of in charge? Sounded as if they were in trouble.

“Well, for a witch, you look pretty nice,” Chuckles said, “Does that mean you can turn people into frogs and fly on brooms?”

“No, I can’t turn anyone into anything. The only power I have is to go invisible,” she said, “I can’t fly a broom either. I flunked out of flight school.”

“Well, its probably for the best. Its not safe to let blondes drive anything,” I smirked, she gave me an evil glare. “Wally World? Is Wal-Mart somehow involved?”

“Actually, yes,” said WOW (the Hottie Witch of the West), “Wal-Mart owns this whole realm, I work for them. When they realized they couldn’t take over the whole real world, they created this one.”

“No wonder this castle looks like it was decorated so cheaply,” said HHB.

“Why do you say that you are sort of in charge?” I asked.

“Because of a little….girl. She can’t be any older than eight or nine. But she is evil,” WOW began, “She has corrupted the people and creatures of the woodland in a plot to overthrow me and take control of this world.”

“Why not just kill the little girl?” asked Chuckles.

“Because, this girl is only half human,” she said, “There is only one way to destroy her. She must be taken to the clouds and tossed into the Fountain of Hearts, only there will love drive out the demons that control her. Ultimately leading to her death.”

“Ok, so take her,” said HHB.

“Its not that simple. My men are afraid of her, she does things to their minds. The last party of a hundred men set out to destroy her, but they never returned,” WOW said, a sad look of despair upon her face. “My most trusted guard, McKnight the Knight, lead the expedition. And I fear the worse for him.”

“You think he is dead?” I asked.

“No, this girl does not kill. She only enslaves the mind, killing your very soul. Making you a living dead.”

“Zombies,” said HHB, almost excited. What can I say, he is a pk? They are all messed up. Finding a zombie was up there with meeting sasquatch and encountering a ghost on HHB’s scale.

“Soon she will take control of Wally World, take over my mind and throne,” she said, “And all the happiness and joy of this world will be gone. Darkness will reign and eventually spread back into the real world.”

WOW then lowered her head into her hands and began to cry. We stood in silence, not knowing what to say. There was no reason to help her, she would probably tell us how to get home if we wanted. But that little voice in my head was saying do the right thing.

“We will help you,” I said, breaking the silence. WOW looked up, surprised at my words.

“Three conditions though.”

“If you help me, I will do whatever you ask.”

“First, please give back HHB his pants.”

“Yes, please. This dress is kind of drafty,” HHB pleaded.

“Ok.”

“Second, you have to come with us,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because you know the land better than we do, and its people. They will listen to you, not us. We are strangers in this place.”

“Fine.”

“Third, You have to show us the way home after this is all done.”

“No problem.” So it was settled, we were going to kill the little girl and save Wally World.

We gathered up our gear. HHB was given back his clothes, and I was as grateful as he was. If I had to look at his woolly legs any more, I would have to puke. Of course, HHB complained that he was the only without a weapon. So to satisfy him, he was given a crossbow out of the armory. It was really medieval looking, a solid wood beam to hold onto, and the bow part formed a misshaped T at the end. But the weight was a bit much for him. He insisted, however, that he would be fine.

WOW said her farewells to the people, and gave orders to place someone else in charge. Then we followed her to the Castle gates, complete opposite side of the one Chuckles and I had entered. The guards opened the gates to reveal a yellow bricked road leading out deep into the country side.

“Whatever we do, we must stay on the yellow brick road,” WOW warned. I looked at the yellow brick road, and thought it was kind of gay. One, because I had always hated the Wizard of OZ. Two, tactically it was stupid. The enemy would spot us on the main road, making this a real short trip.

“Follow the yellow brick road, Follow the yellow brick road,” a bunch of munchkins started singing. Going through all the words of the song, over and over again. I was about to go insane when I spotted a dirt path a little off the road.

“Guys,” I said, trying to sell them over the screaming of the singing lunatics, “Do you want to take the pansy, girl road? Or do you want to take the man trail?” I pointed to the dirt path.

“No, we have to take the road,” said WOW, “That way is too dangerous.”

“Sorry, your greatness, but you are not in charge here. This is a democracy now,” I said, “Besides, the enemy will know we are coming down this road. This way will give us the art of surprise.”

“I vote for the man trail,” said HHB, “Maybe will find big foot.”

“Count me in,” said Chuckles. WOW looked at us like we were stupid. But she was a blond, what did she know.

“That’s three to one,” I said, gloating, “So either you can go that road alone. To which, I would say good luck to you. Or you can stick with us and go this way.” Reluctantly, she agreed.

The munchkins kept singing until they realized we weren’t following the yellow brick road. They all went dead silent.

“Where are you going?” one yelled.

“Wrong way,” yelled another.

“They're all going to die,” screamed another.

“We are doomed,” whaled yet one more.

The path led us out into a dense forest. The only clearing was directly in front of us. Mysteriously, the leaves had only fallen underneath the trees, leaving the path completely visible. Almost like someone was keeping up on it.

“So, what’s the first part of our plan?” asked HHB.

“Well, since your idiot friend here took us off the main path, leading directly to the girl’s lair,” ranted WOW, I smiled at being called an idiot by a witch who only knew one power. “We are going to have to find a hobbit that knows the way.”

“Where are we going to find a hobbit?” asked Chuckles.

“In the shire,” I joked.

“I don’t know,” said WOW, “Hopefully, we come across a hobbit village.”

As we were walking, I again got the eerie feeling of being watched. I looked around, but couldn’t see anything. I started to think it must of have been my imagination, but then I heard the snapping of a twig and rustling of leaves. Suddenly a large, ferocious tiger jumped out of the woods. He stood tall and angry on the path in front of us. He looked at us hungrily and let out a pants wetting growl. Flashing his razor sharp claws at us, he swatted at the air and began to stalk back and forth.

“Oh snap,” shouted WOW. She quickly went invisible and disappeared.

“Crackle and pop,” said a scared Chuckles.

“Great,” I said, sarcastically. Of all the witches in the world, we got the one that flunked out of magic school.

“Don’t worry guys,” said HHB, a smile on his crazy school boy face, “I’ll take care of this.”

He fumbled with the bow, trying to raise it into position. After an intense struggle, one the tiger even seemed to find amusing, he managed to get it lifted up. But when he released the arrow, his one arm couldn’t hold it up. The bow momentarily dropped to the right sending the arrow directly into Chuckles left shin.

Chuckles screamed like a little girl who had just seen Miley Ray Cyrus. He fell to the ground, the shaft of the arrow sticking out of his leg.

“Oops,” said HHB, dropping the bow completely to the ground, “Don’t worry. You distract it.”

I walked around, cautiously in front of the tiger. He glared at me, upset at my lack of my apparent lack of fear. But little did he know, I was absolutely petrified. As he was looking at me, HHB charged at it from behind. Diving through the air, his hair flying straight out behind him, he landed on the tiger’s back and took a hold.

The tiger started dancing and bucking around like a bull at a rodeo. HHB held on for dear life. But then the tiger did a half back flip, smashing HHB into the ground and landing on top of him. He whirled around, and stood over HHB. He was about to become a human hot dog.

Not wanting to see my friend devoured, I ran and did a sliding ninja kick. It landed right in the tiger’s forehead, knocking it to the ground. I quickly got up, the tiger still a little dazed, and I began to repeatedly kick it in the head. HHB got up and joined in. Even WOW reappeared, adding her own legs into the battle.

So there we were, three of us kicking in the brains of a tiger in the middle of the forest. The poor critter had no chance, it could not get back to its feet. Soon the blows became too much, and he passed out.

With the tiger subdued, I rushed over to Chuckles. His leg was bleeding severely, and his voice was growing raspy from all the screaming. The other two gathered around, and stood watching. I ripped open his pant leg, exposing the wound. Blood was pouring profusely as his leg around the arrow swelled.

“Oh no,” said WOW, looking behind her.

I looked back to see the tiger, back on his feet. He was dazed and retarded, staggering trying to stay up. But he was still a tiger. A tiger with an apparent appetite for human flesh. It was either going to be us or him.