Chapter Ten: When the Truth Came Out

So far, we had survived crashing into an unknown dimension, an epic duel with the power rangers, an encounter with a now retarded two legged tiger, a war with drug trafficking leprechauns, and a dinner with bloodthirsty smurfs. But all that paled in comparison to this new threat. Mr. Rogers, the evil sweater wearing Lord of the Sith now stood between me and destiny. Not exactly how I had pictured my life ending.

Through the dim light of my shades, I pointed my Walther at his face, knowing fully well that at any moment he could bend the force to snatch it from my hand. Using my free arm, I pushed WOW behind me.

I re-holstered my gun and got in my angry redneck stance. (If you are not a redneck you have no idea what that is) Mr. Rogers turned off his light saber and smiled. As I prepared to tackle his neighborhood loving hide to the floor, I saw a red beam burst forth from the left. It hummed at an alarming rate of speed, slicing of Mr. Rogers's right arm.

Mr. Rogers looked down at his arm, then over at Jimmy, only something was different about him. Jimmy wasn't hobbit sized anymore. He was standing at my height, wielding a Sith light saber.

“So, its like that Darth Dance with Ponies,” said Mr. Rogers, obviously talking to his now former apprenctice. “You have become a little PAB (Once again, I have edited this comment for content, only I used an acronym. It will probably leave you guessing all night long.).”

“The end has come for you, my master,” said DDP (formerly known as Jimmy), “Soon, you will be dead. And I will have a new apprentice.” Mr. Rogers chuckled as he stared at an unconscious HHB.

“Hippie girl?” laughed Mr. Rogers, “That's your new apprentice? I think you have let your personal feelings get in the way of your decision making.”

“She is a boy,” said DDP.

“Oh, so your girlfriend is one of those,” said Mr. Rogers, “To each his own.” Growing more and more disturbed with the situation, I reached for my Walther again, hoping Mr. Rogers was distracted by DDP. Unfortunately, he wasn't. Using the force, my gun was rip from my hand and into Mr. Rogers's floating right hand.

“This is my neighborhood,” said Mr. Rogers, before popping off a round. I turn and dove to the ground behind me, inadvertently tackling WOW who was standing behind me. The light sabers clashed behind us, lighting up the cave walls in a red glow.

DDP angrily took swipes at Mr. Rogers's head. He ducked or blocked each strike with relative ease. Before DDP could even react, the floating arm flew in and smashed the butt of the Walther in his eye.

DDP fell to the ground, grabbing his face. Mr. Rogers walked over and stood above him. He raised his light saber up, ready to deliver the final blow. As it came crashing down, it was met with a purple blade. HHB was back in the fight, only not wearing pants.

They both backed up and stared each other down like to mountain rams fighting for territory. Mr. Rogers stood tall and cocky in his black sweater and his tennis shoes. His intensity was matched by HHB's flowing golden strands, hairy legs, and pooped stained underpants (HHB had turned them inside out and put them back on).

“Another little PAB,” said Mr. Rogers, “You have two options, my little hippie friend. Join me or die.” HHB shook his hair from his eyes and charged toward him. Again their light saber's clashed. Mr. Rogers attempted the same trick as before. The floating arm snuck in, only HHB was ready for it. He did a cool back spin, and sliced off the hand. The arm fell to the floor separately from the hand, dropping the gun against the cold stone floor.

HHB whirled back around and locked sabers with Mr. Rogers. They both struggled to gain control. Mr. Rogers age and experience were matched by HHB's speed and strength.

“You don't have what it takes to defeat me young one,” said Mr. Rogers.

“Oh yeah,” said HHB, “Well, I have something you don't have.”

“What is that?”

“A golden ticket,” said HHB. Before anyone could break into song or Mr. Rogers could make sense of what was said, HHB did another spin and neatly cut off Mr. Rogers head.

HHB walked over to his pants and put them back on, like nothing happened. I still was trying to figure out what happened, when I felt a soft hand slap me across the face.

“Get off me,” said WOW. That's when I realized I was laying on top of her. I quickly jumped to my feet and dusted myself off. I walked over to Chuckles, who was just beginning to wake up. And through the dim lighting, I saw a small bruise was swelling on his forehead.

“What happened?” asked Chuckles.

“Mr. Rogers was the evil Lord of the Sith,” I said, “Jimmy isn't Jimmy, but Mr. Rogers's apprentice named Darth Dances with Ponies. And HHB killed Mr. Rogers.”

“Oh, so all the excitement, as usual,” said Chuckles, “Is there something wrong with my face?”

“Yes,” joked WOW, before me or HHB could pipe up.

“Like right here,” said Chuckles, pointing to the giant goose egg on his forehead.

“Nope,” I said, “It looks normal.” Realizing we were stealing an entire scene from Tommy Boy, I decided to stop. “HHB, what was that nonsense about a Golden Ticket?”

Before he could even explain, a red light saber cut across HHB's face. Blocking his throat in what was becoming typical Sith fashion. Only it was DDP this time.

At this point, I had had enough of all this force nonsense, and all the light sabers. And them taking my gun from me without actually taking it from me. So I kicked DDP in the gut, causing him to drop his light saber and bend over. Wasting no time, I immediately planted him with a Stone Cold Stunner. Most of you have no idea what that is, but just know that somewhere out there is a Texas rattlesnake who is laughing and drinking a beer.

“Ranger, your bleeding!!!” shouted WOW, pointing to the back of my pants. I reached to my behind and felt blood coming from it.

“I got shot in the buttocks,” I said in my Forrest Gump accent. Then the room began to spin, the lights began to fade, and my stomach grew upset as my butt felt like I had a serious case of the runs. As my face bounced off the cold rock of the cave floor, I could make out the sounds of the others scurrying about. Then before I lost my half consciousness, I felt tiny hands on me.