After all the action that came during the past couple of days, we were all tired. One can only kill so many leprechauns and smurfs before feeling the toll it takes on the body. So with Jules leading us from the scene of devastation, we found a nice spot along a trail in the middle of the woods to chill for the evening.“I feel like I have just been to a car dealership,” I said.
“Why is that?” asked HHB.
“Because my butt hurts,” I replied. We all laughed at my cleverness. The irony of it all is, I used to be a car salesman.
As the sun began to set, and the woods came to life, we sat around the fire, simply relaxing. HHB and Chuckles had wandered off to find more firewood, leaving me sprawled out with my feet up to the fire and my back propped up by my bag. Jules, WOW, and Benny were keeping me company.
That's when it happened again. Above the fire, in the rising smoke, Princess appeared. This time, he was at HHB's house along with Cheapo and Chuckles's brother, Jerebear. Jerebear, who was a muscle buidling junky, was freaking out about something going on. And something was definitely going on because Jerebear and Princess, who was wearing a wig, dress and make up, were tied to two separate chairs. Cheapo was standing in front of them holding a shotgun.
“I'm too young to go to prison,” shouted Jerebear, oblivious to the fact someone was watching, “You know what happens in prisons? Men rape other men. And I don't like things being shoved up my behind.”
“That's why its called rape,” said Princess, “Most people don't like it.”
“Don't worry, this will work out,” said Cheapo, “Besides, I'm the one going to the joint.” As entertaining as this sight was, I decided to ask why my brother was dressed like a transvestite.
“Guys, its not Thursday,” I interrupted. They stopped in mid conversation and looked at me, Princess had a look of shame on his face, and Jerebear looked petrified.
“Don't steal my soul, demon figure who looks like Ranger,” cried Jerebear. I was going to play along, but Cheapo and Princess blew my cover.
“So what's new with you guys?” I asked. “I see you escaped the Colombian drug lords.”
“Dude,” Cheapo began, with a smile and excitement in his voice, “Those ole boys didn't know what hit'em.”
“Yeah,” said Princess, “We now are the biggest suppliers of coffee beans and crack cocaine in North America. Which is why the FBI is getting ready to storm in and get us.”
“Where are you?” I asked.
“HHB's house,” Princess answered, “We were coming to talk with his parent's but they weren't here...but Jerebear showed up to tell us the FBI came to his house asking about us.” In the background, I heard a knock at the front door, and the usual comments when the police are knocking on the door.
“If you come in, I'll blow their freakin' brains out!!” shouted Cheapo. He then looked at Princess and Jerebear, and laughed.
“So what's your plan?” I asked.
“Well, Cheapo here is holding us hostage,” said Princess, “so when the Popo comes to take him away, I can get away and bust him out.”
Just then a Swat member crashed through a window in the room, tackling Cheapo to the floor. His gun dropped to the floor in a pile of shattered glass. It hit the ground and went off, nearly hitting Jerebear, and blasting a whole in the wall.
“You almost shot me, you idiot,” shouted Jerebear, as he frantically struggled to get free from the chair. He tipped his chair over, sent himself crashing into Princess sitting next to him. The impact knocked over Princess, knocking off his wig and leaving them in a heap of wood and people on the floor.
The agents stopped struggling to subdue Cheapo, and starred at Princess and then at the wig on the floor. The gig was obviously up.
“Well, hmmm,” said Princess, shaking his head in disbelief, “Any advice?”
“Wear a color of eye liner that goes great with your eyes?” said WOW.
“Don't drop the soap?” I said. Understanding that now the shoe was on his foot, Princess allowed the agents to put the cuffs on him and lead him outside. And just like that, he was gone.
As Jules, WOW, and I were trying to figure out what had just happened, Benny found a new way to entertain himself. Jules had taken her shoes off, which smelled worse than HHB in the cave, to let her feet air out. Benny charged in and grabbed the shoe in his mouth, bolting for the hills.
“Hey,” yelled Jules, “Stupid tiger, that's my shoe!” She popped up and darted after Benny. Benny easily out ran her and took shelter in the bushes. About that time HHB and Chuckles returned with a load of fire wood to see Jules starring in the now shaking bushes with an “I'm going to kill you look.”
“Feeling left out?” asked Chuckles.
“No, Benny is in their...with my shoe!” shouted Jules, completely irritated by the situation.
“Maybe you are the one that should feel left out,” HHB joked to Chuckles. Before anyone could go in after him, Benny walked out with a lace dangling from his throat. He was hacking, apparently choking on the shoe.
Not wanting Benny to catch athlete's mouth or choke to death, I walked over and opened up his mouth. In the back of his throat, I could see a disfigured sole. Reaching past and carefully eyeballing the sharp teeth, I grabbed it and gently pulled it out. I handed it back to Jules, covered in drool.
The rest of the evening was uneventful, full of story telling. And soon everyone was fast asleep around the fire. A rare and peaceful moment on our adventure. But it wasn't to last, I was in mid dream when I heard HHB shouting about something.
“Whose there?” asked HHB. Still too groggy to open my eyes, I listened thinking it was only their imagination. But then I heard someone walking through woods, coming towards us. I opened my eyes and went to draw my side arm. That is when I realized WOW was asleep on my left shoulder, and my left arm was numb. She looked almost angelic at that moment, and I was probably going to hate myself for what I was about to do. Not really.
I leaned in really close by her ear, and pulled my gun out with my right hand.
“No...get away you savages!” I shouted popping off rounds into the air and trying to sound scared. WOW immediately woke up and started screaming. It wasn't until she noticed we were all laughing hysterically that she stopped. Of course I got the death glare and the usual slap upside the head.
“Help!” I heard someone screaming down the path. Looking down the path, in the pale moonlight I could make out a figure collapsing to the ground.
Chuckles, HHB, and I quickly sprinted towards whoever it was. We stopped and saw a man in a knight's battle armor, a steel helmet with a visor covering his face lying on the ground clutching his stomach. Apparently the mesh armor was only good at stopping swords and not hollow points.
“McKnight?” said WOW, excited to see him.
“My lady,” he said, gasping in agony. He then raised up his visor revealing his oval shaped face. He had a full black beard to match the black stubs of hair growing on the top of his head. Almost like an inverse version of Chuckles.
“What happened to you?” she asked.
“This freaking douche bag shot me,” he screamed, looking at me. I was always told it was dangerous to play with guns. I pulled his hand away to see a small patch of blood coming through.
“No, I mean, you and your men?” she rephrased. McKnight grunted as I log rolled him on to his side. Before even looking at his back, I saw a large dark stain on the ground where he had been, and it matched the gaping hole where flesh you used to be. The situation was grim. I scrambled to get supplies.
“Leave it,” said McKnight, “Its too late for me. I go to join my brothers in a better place.” I stopped and thought about reasoning with him, but there was really no point. I was pretty sure I had punched through the kidneys. So I rolled him back to where he was. “I'm sorry, my lady. My men and I have failed you. We made it to the castle, but Pig Tails's evil was too much for us. She slaughtered thirty of us before we could do anything, then turned many more into her slaves. The few survivors, including myself, tried to flee but she turned them into monsters. They tore their flesh and ate them before my eyes.”
“You haven't failed,” said a teary eyed WOW, “You and your men fought bravely.” McKnight then looked at me and struggled as he tried to speak.
“All that is good in this world stands in the balance,” he began, pausing to regain his slowly coming breath, “Promise me, you won't let her win. Promise me, don't let my lady become her slave. Promise me, you won't fail.” He weakly took hold of my arm and stared intently into my eyes. It was weird, because I could almost see the terror he had been through. Even feeling the pain at the loss of his men.
“I promise,” I said, feeling guilty and the need to redeem myself, and like I was in Lord of the Rings talking to Borimir. “I won't let the witch fall, or your people fail.”
With the little strength he had left, McKnight drew his sword and held it tightly to his chest. He died with a look of nobility on his face.
Finishing up our Lord of the Rings scene, little did we know that we were jumping into Zombieland. Because we were about to put the rules from that movie into practice.
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