I woke up and wish I hadn't. My wound wasn't severe, the bullet hadn't hit any arteries. It had only passed through the right cheek, through the muscle. My face hurt from bouncing off the stone floor. And to add insult to injury, the smurfs had returned and managed to re-chain us to the wall. We were back where we started.“You cannot escape your doom,” said the red smurf standing on the now decaying troll corpse, “I, Papa Smurf, will cut out your liver and eat it with a side of scalloped potatoes.” As appetizing as that sounded, I really wasn't up for losing my liver to these fleas. No, If I was going to lose my liver it was going to be to a bottle of Jack Daniels and a few cases of Samuel Adams.
“Are you alright?” whispered WOW, who was once again chained next to me.
“Yeah,” I lied, “other than my face hurting.”
“Well,” said Jules who was chained on the other side of me, “Your face is hurting me too.” I didn't know this chick, but I realized at that moment we were going to get along great.
“I like her,” whispered WOW.
“Don't worry guys,” said HHB, “I got this.”
“Plug your noses,” shouted Chuckles, burying his face in his shirt. We all followed suit as HHB scrunched his face to use the force. There were four smurfs standing between us and Papa Smurf, so using the force HHB picked all four of them up and threw them against the cave wall, splattering their little bodies on impact.
Papa Smurf grabbed his big knife blade, and hopped down from the sacrifice table. He walked, struggling to carry the big blade, and stopped in front of HHB. Six other smurfs, who were buried face first into Mr. Rogers's abdomen, walked over and stood behind him, like they were big enough to do something.
“You think the force will save you?” asked Papa Smurf, “No one can save you from the pain that is coming.”
“Papa Smurf, this is your last chance,” said HHB, a determined look peering through his strands of hair, “Free us now, or all of you will die.” The smurfs all let out an evil little laugh, one fell over right in front of Jules. And since they had only cuffed our hands and not our feet, Jules took that moment to step on him. The snap, crackle, and pop of crushing bone echoed throughout the room as purple squirted out from beneath Jules's shoe. All the smurfs took a few steps back.
“You are lucky, we have just had supper,” said Papa Smurf, “But dawn is coming, and my people will be hungry for breakfast...so I have devised a little game.”
“Is it battleship?” I asked, I had some great battles with Princess as a child. Of course both of us always found ways to cheat, such as not putting any ships on the board.
“I wouldn't get your hopes up,” said Jules, “its probably Russian roulette with a semi-automatic.”
“Chucks and ducks, bears and squares, make it rain,” chanted WOW, again trying to turn our enemies into stone. The room lit up with a bright blinding light. Then just as quickly as it appeared, the light disappeared and leaving glowing lava lamps all over the room and a bull whip on the table.
“Gee, WOW, you are pretty and all,” I began, “but we only just met.” We all laughed as WOW's face turned bright red.
“I don't think I'm old enough to see this,” said Jules, now with a disgusted look on her face.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me,” said Chuckles. We all laughed harder, not noticing the evil glares we were getting from the smurfs. The only glare with more heat was coming from WOW. I knew what was coming the first chance she got, she was going to hit me again.
That is when the smurfs did something incredibly stupid that I'm still baffled to this day. They uncuffed us, and led us out into a giant coliseum filled with millions of smurfs. It was quite an impressive site. But what was so dumb about it was, they took our cuffs off for whatever game we were about to play. We all looked at each other baffled, and decided to go along with it until the moment came.
Papa Smurf led us into the middle of the arena and had us all stand side by side in a line. Then two peon smurfs handed each of us a wooden spear which was six times the size they were.
“Marshmallow sticks?” asked Chuckles.
“Sweet,” said HHB, “Its a wooden spear. Maybe we are frog gigging.”
Before we could make sense of anything, six teams of smurfs wheeled out bodies of dead possums, which looked like an elephant compared to their stature. They stopped the possum carcasses in front of each of us, and calmly walked to the safety of the stands.
“The game is simple,” began a smirking Papa Smurf, “Each of you will pick up the dead fowl tasting creatures on the end of your spear, then you will use the spear to fling it as far as you can. The one of you who flings it the shortest distance will become breakfast.” After hearing the game, I was wondering who was more retarded, Papa Smurf or Benny. In just a few seconds, I was going to wipe the smirk off of Papa Smurf's face and wear it as a hat. Okay, maybe not really, but I was seeing no good outcome for the smurfs here.
“Good luck everyone,” I said as Papa Smurf joined the other smurfs in the stands. I looked at the others, trying to motion for them to fling their possum at the spectators. “On the count of three, we fling together.”
“Oh this is going to be epic,” said HHB.
“An epic occasion like this needs epic music,” said Chuckles, who than broke into our battle tune, “Dunt dunt.”
“Dunt dunt dunt,” sang HHB.
“Dunt dunt dunt dunt,” I joined in, “dunt dunt da...da da da da dunt dunt.”
“You guys are retarded,” said Jules. Realizing that WOW and Jules weren't going to join in because they didn't understand the power of our song, we all began to load the possums on the spears. Once they were secured on the ends, we threw them over our shoulders. Even Benny.
“One....Two...” before I could finish Benny dropped the spear from his mouth, and the possum. He growled ferociously, causing the audience to gasp and shriek in horror. Benny used his powerful jaws to grab the possum's head, and began to shake it violently. The possum's neck snapped clean off and the body went flying thirty yards, stopping just short of the arena wall.
“Good job, Benny,” I said, trying to remain calm. It wasn't his fault he was retarded. “Let's try this again. One...two....three.” As I said three, I turned towards Papa Smurf and hurled my possum at him. It soared through the air, higher than any possum has gone before, then crashed down in limp free fall right on top of Papa Smurf, crushing his little smurf body as well as many others next to him.
I turned to see how the others had done. HHB and Chuckles had managed to smash many more smurfs in the stands in front of us. Jules had turned to the opposite side I had gone too, also successful in killing lots of smurfs. WOW, well I shouldn't have looked at her. She had tried to fling the possum, but it must have gone wrong because it fallen of her stick and landed on her face. I fell to the ground in laughter.
She screamed and started to run in circles flailing her arms, hoping the possum would fall off of her face. I wanted to help her, but I couldn't get back up, my stomach hurt from laughing so much.
Benny came to her rescue though, he darted towards her and grabbed the possum off her using his teeth. He thrashed it the same way as the other as he charged towards the stands. Leaping off the ground (which was amazing considering he could only use his front legs), he did a corkscrew in the air and landed on his back crushing more smurfs as he landed. He then rolled up and down through the stands, still clutching the possum as he made more smurf jelly.
Finally, I regained my composure and joined the others as we too charged the stands. Except WOW, who was still trying to get the possum germs off of her.
The smurfs sat stunned as we hopped into the crowd, like the Pacers at the Palace of Auburn Hills. We then did our best impression of medieval wine makers, stomping on as many smurfs as possible.
HHB, who for some reason, used his spear and jabbed it into the chest of one poor smurf. The wooden tip burst through its back, protruding out. Swinging the smurf towards him, HHB leaned his face forward and bit off the smurfs head. He smiled as purple smurf juice dripped down his chin.
“It tastes like blueberries,” said HHB, with his mouth still full.
As HHB finished his snack, and the rest of us finished wiping out half the smurf population, we heard the blowing of a giant horn. Looking at the arena entrance stood an army of black hooded smurfs, holding swords. Actually, I should say trying to hold swords because they were as big as they were.
Benny wasn't intimidated. He took one look at them, and let out his whale like roar. Several smurfs lost heart at the sound, dropping their swords and running for the hills. Not hesitating, Benny jumped off the stands, into the mass crushing many more. Then he used his claws and mouth in a frenzied attack, chewing up and or cutting clean apart hundreds more. I was glad Benny was on our side.
“Listen to this,” said Jules. She then proceed to stomp smurfs to the tune of we will rock you. Chuckles and I laughed, joining in and singing the lyrics. Several smurfs committed suicide at the sound of our out of tune singing voices.
“Hey check this out,” shouted HHB. And if you have ever been on any adventure with HHB, when he yells check this out, you always cringe. Because you never know what he is going to show you.
This time it was cool though, because he had found a can of gasoline. He grabbed it, and tore of a piece of his shirt. Soaking it with the fuel, he stuffed the end into the can creating a fuse. Reaching into his pockets, he pulled out his pocket knife and a piece of flint. Using caveman magic, he lit the fuse and hurled it into the untouched audience of smurfs.
The thousands of smurfs screamed in unison as the flaming can plowed into them, igniting them in a ball of flames. Not knowing the principle of stop, drop, and roll they ran around on fire as their skin slowly melted before collapsing to the ground. Burnt crispy.
Using his spear again, HHB stabbed it into the flames and pulled out several charred bodies. He took a big bite and smiled once more.
“Smurf-ca bobs,” laughed HHB.
The war raged on for another fifty seconds. We stomped out thousands of smurfs, as the few survivors ran out for their lives with a purple stained Benny hot on their heels.
As the stadium went quiet, all the crowds gone, we took in the scene of devastation. It was quite impressive. One side of the arena was still smoldering in flames, while a countless number of bodies littered everywhere. And where ever the bodies weren't, purple blood was stained. It dripped down the walls surrounding us.
“Jerk,” said WOW, as she slapped me.
“Ow,” I said, remembering that I had one coming from earlier. She hit me again after that.
“That's for not helping me with the possum.”
“Hey, is that anyway to treat the man who saved your life? Its not his fault you are blonde and ended up trying to make out with a possum” joked Chuckles. WOW didn't say anything, or have an expression. She walked over and stood face to face with him. Then without warning she kicked him square in the jewels. Chuckles doubled over and fell to the ground, experiencing the agony every man has felt but never wants to go through.
“Think of his children,” said a wincing HHB, laughing as he felt Chuckles's pain.
“If we are lucky, he won't have any now,” said Jules, before I had the chance to say anything clever.
With tears of pain streaming down his cheeks, Chuckles stood back to his feet. But then out of nowhere came DDP. He kicked Chuckles in his still aching middle region and planted him with a Stone Cold Stunner. (Still don't know what it is? Go to youtube and type it in)
“What now!?!” screamed DDP in a deep voice. He turn and sprinted for the outer wall, only to slip on smurf blood. He tried to regain his footing, but crashed into the wall. It brought him to a dead stop before he fell down.
Realizing he had ruined the coolness of his entrance, he quickly got up and scrambled out of site. At least he didn't put a light saber to anyone's throat.
“Well,” I began, “We broke the number one rule in youth group.”
“What's that?” asked HHB, still looking at Chuckles trying to make sense of what just happened.
“We made purple,” I joked, “with a lot of smurfs.”
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