Chapter Fifteen: Hell's Gate

The old rusty gate leading to the little girl's castle was charming enough to only be outside two other places, Hell and the state of Kansas. Creepy looking vines crawled up the stone walls on each side of the black iron gate. Massive towers rose up from inside in the walls, reaching out into the heavens. I hoped the little girl wasn't on the top floor.

Even scarier than the castle, the thought of going inside, and the eventual battle with a demonic little girl who turns people in to zombies was the the stare WOW was giving me right now. Her eyes were locked on to me, sending off a vibe that was colder than Jack Dawson floating in the water. I decided the only way to make the situation better was by escalating it to the inevitable conclusion that was coming.

“What's stewing your potatoes, pumpkin?” I asked, and taking a defensive position behind a tree.

You!” shouted WOW, her face burning with anger. “Apples and oranges, noodles and doodles, make it rain!” WOW attempted to turn me into a stone, but as always it failed.

“Arrf, arrf...”squawked something from the others. I turned to see HHB and Chuckles starring at a walrus. It was about the size of a Toyota Prius and had two big long tusks sticking down the front of its face. And that wasn't the only unusual thing, Jules was gone.

“Where did Jules go?” I asked. WOW looked confused, while HHB and Chuckles had sheepish grins on their faces.

"Well, um,” said Chuckles.

“She is a walrus,” said HHB, with a straight face, “and by that I mean she is a walrus.” Thinking they were joking, I took a harder look at the walrus, and that is when I noticed that it was missing one of its front flippers.

“Oops,” said WOW, before slapping me upside the head, “now look what you made me do.” Jules, now a walrus, started barking some more. Only this time she seemed a little peeved.

“What does she want?” asked Chuckles, “Should we find her a fish?”

“I'm not really gifted in translating the walrus language,” began HHB, “but I think she doesn't want to be a walrus. But that is just my guess.” Jules hissed, but no one spoke walrus. She then proceeded to charge WOW.

“I will defend you, my lady,” yelled a blur that looked a lot like a moving trash can. As he slowed down to taunt Jules, I realized it was a knight in armor. But not just any knight, but McKnight the Knight! Apparently, he wasn't dead. Or was he?

"Back you savage dragon, I will slay you and leave your grotesque body laying in ruin.”

Jules looked at MKK (McKnight the Knight) like he was an idiot. I guess that look transcends all species. McKnight stood his ground, radiating in honor and nobility. Realizing it was going to be him or her, Jules roared. MKK pushed us all back with his arms.

“Stand back,” shouted MKK, his adrenaline in full kick, “This foul beast is about unleash all of Hell's furry on us. But take heart my dear comrades, I am skilled in these matters.” MKK swung his sword in an attempt to slice off Jules's head.

But before he could land the fatal blow, a cloaked black figure charged into the scene, and planted him with a rock bottom. (Don't know what that is? All I can say is, do you smell what the Rock is cookin?)

“What now?” shouted DDP, as he unveiled himself from his cloak. He immediately turned on his light saber, and stuck it in HHB's face. HHB leaned back, his face glowing from the danger just inches away. I drew my pistol and took aim. “Join me, HHB, or you will all die.”

HB smiled, and drew his own light saber. His golden strands flew out like the swings at a carnival as he twirled, and struck blades with DDP, sparks jumping out every which way as the two collided. DDP withdrew his saber, only to swing it back at him with a blazing amount of speed. HHB used his own to shield himself from the onslaught.

With the sabers locked again, and the two of them circling each other like two hippos fighting for dominance at the water hole, HHB drew one hand away from his weapon. Gathering what energy he could from the force, he shoved at DDP. An invisible wave of energy crashed into the unsuspecting Sith lord. DDP flew through the air, crashing into an out grove of trees behind him. And just like that, DDP was gone.

Of course, that left us with the problem that started this whole strange episode. WOW in her fit of anger turning Jules into a walrus, and MKK wanting to kill her because apparently dragons and walruses look a lot a like.

I walked over to MKK and helped him back to his feet. It was like picking up a full trash can, unfortunately also carrying the same smell. Before he could turn Jules into a pile of blubber, I decided to inform him of the situation, as well as ask the obvious question we are all wondering. Wasn't he dead?

"Foul, wretched beast,” said MKK, once again drawing his sword.

“Hold on there partner,” I said, “the beast is a by product of your majesty's handy work.” MKK looked at the beast, then at WOW, then at his sword, and then at me. He lowered it, smiling as he looked at the ground.

“At least she didn't turn the poor chap into a pile of something that comes out the poo chute,” said MKK, WOW giving him the death glare. At least I wasn't the only one.

“Poo chute?” asked Chuckles.

“He means butt,” said HHB, clarifying.

“So, MKK,” I began, “I thought you were like, dead.”

“About that,” said MKK, “I thought you shot me too, but apparently the bullet only grazed through the top of a jelly donut I had stuffed down in my armor...and since my armor is a little loose, the donut rotated to my back as I fell to the ground, which accounts for the red stain on the back side.”

“Oh,” I said, wondering why he had a donut stuffed inside of his clothes, fighting the desire to ask him if he was planning on adding on a layer of icing to it. Besides, the situation got stranger. Princess appeared again, this time sporting a new orange jump suit.

“Nice jumpsuit,” I said. Princess shook his head, didn't even look up from what appeared to be his lunch. He had a couple of new faces surrounding him. “Where are Jerebear and Cheapo?”

“The legal system decided it was best that we be put in separate prisons, we are too dangerous to be kept together,” Princess said, “So in the mean time, I have made friends with other inmates who are completely innocent as well. Like Bubba and JR...” he said pointing to two big scary looking black dudes. “And also BFFS Peaches and Cream...” he said pointing to guys who looked like they were into something other than girls.

“How long you in for?” I asked.

“For another five minutes,” Princess smiled. He was obviously up to something diabolical.

“Well, before you go,” I said, “We are trying to find a demonic little girl inside of a massive fortress, any words of wisdom?”

“Two boxers...”began Princess.

"Two boxers? Like the fighter, the dog, or underpants?” asked Chuckles. We all looked at him like he was an idiot.

“Your an idiot,” said Princess, “Two boxers are in a boxing match...”

“Two boxers are in a boxing match, no kidding, who would have thought it?” interrupted WOW, still in a mood.

“Go make a sandwich,” said Princess, “Two boxers in a boxing match. The fight is scheduled for twelve rounds, but ends in six.

“That's what she said,” I interrupted.

“I hate it when that happens,” said WOW.

“Do you want my help or not?” asked Princess. We nodded, even though we knew he would be of no help at all. “Two boxers are in a boxing match. The fight is scheduled for twelve rounds, but ends in six after one fighter knocks out the other. Yet no man throws a punch. How is this possible?”

“Bad breath?” asked HHB.

“No,” said Princess, “they were women boxing.” His answer didn't help us.

“What were the women doing outside of the kitchen?” asked Chuckles.

“That is why they ended up boxing,” said Princess, “Sorry to help and run, but the time has come.” He turned to Peaches and Cream, who were sitting at the end of the table. “Hey Peaches, Cream told me he loves nature a lot, in spite of what it did to you..making you so ugly and all.”

The last thing I saw was a tray of food fly and smash into Bubba, who didn't like it too much. Then it looked like chaos was in complete control.

“I don't get it,” said MKK.

“His advice never helps us,” I said, “We would be more confused if it did.”

“No, the riddle.” said MKK.

I was about to explain it to him, but then something unexplainable happened. The ground opened up into a giant black hole, that swallowed up HHB, WOW, and Chuckles. There I stood, alone with a walrus, and a knight outside the gates of Hell.