Chapter Fourteen: Eye of the Tiger

I wasn't a doctor, and I hadn't stayed at a Holiday Inn Express, but it didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that Benny was in bad shape. We had all gathered around our furry friend who was struggling to catch each breath. His once majestic orange and black fur was now caked in blood. The body that once moved so graciously, was broken.

WOW looked away as Benny heaved out his chest one last time in an agonizing struggle. Not wanting to let my weakness show, I fought back the tears that were trying to break through as our retarded pet tiger pushed out his final breath.

I walked over and knelt down beside him, placed one hand on his chest. There was no heart beat. Benny the Retarded tiger was dead.

We all sat there in silence for a while. We had seen so much death so far into our journey, and up until that point it hadn't bothered us. Heck, we caused most of it. But Benny had become one of us. Yes, he was a retarded tiger that tried to eat us at one point, but he had long made up for that. He had saved our necks more than a few times. I think losing him reminded us all how fragile our own lives were. And you don't just get over something like that.

“You remember when we first met, Benny?” I said, finally breaking the silence.

“Yes,” said Chuckles, “HHB shot me in the leg with an arrow.” He gave HHB an evil glare as we all laughed.

“That was awesome,” laughed HHB, “Remember the time Benny raped you?” We all laughed even harder. Chuckles went a little quiet, but not as quiet as WOW. She was sitting with her head buried in her lap, not talking to anyone.

I was going to go say something to make her feel better, but then I noticed how fat Benny looked. Eating MREs and wild plants left my stomach feeling empty. Sure Benny was our friend, but he wasn't in that body any more. I could almost taste the meat as I thought about it.

At the same time, I realized WOW would never go for eating our friend, so I had to come up with a plan. I know it sounds evil, probably is, eating your friend. But I thought to myself, if Benny hadn't been retarded what would he have done?

“Alright, everyone,” I said, trying to sound sincere. “We are going to have a funeral service for Benny, then a dinner afterwards. So we will all go around and say something. Who wants to go first?”

“I will,” said Jules, not bothered by her missing arm, “Benny, I barely knew you. When we first met, you were just a retarded two legged tiger chained to a wall. Then you stole my shoe, and ran away with it. But then you did save my life from the zombies. So, I guess I'm trying to say you were alright, and I'm going to miss you.”

“Benny,” said Chuckles, stepping up to take his turn, “Benny...Benny...Benny. What is there to say about you? We shared half an intimate moment. One in which you took away all my dignity and self respect. But I know you were only a retarded tiger, overwhelmed with hormones. So I hold no hard feelings. I only can hope that you have gone to a better place, one with female tigers...or at least blow up dolls that look like female tigers. Good bye, Benny.”

Chuckles stepped back, as I and HHB tried not to laugh. There was a moment's pause as we waited for someone else to go. WOW stepped forward, her nose runny and eyes poofy from crying.

“Benny, I want you to know I loved you,” said WOW, stopping a minute to cry some more. I patted her on the back, knowing how much she was going to hate me in about ten minutes. “When we first met, I was terrified of you. But as I got to know you, I realized you were nothing more than a big kitty cat, who wanted love and attention. I hope that I gave you all those things. And you certainly gave it to me, and everyone else. You were always there when we needed you. Not worrying about your own safety, always doing what was brave. I'm going to miss you, your crossed eyes, and whale like roar. There will always be a special place for you in my heart. Good bye, Benny.” WOW cried a little more, then went back to her seat on the ground with her head back in her lap.

“I guess, I will go next,” said HHB, stepping forward holding a guitar he had found somewhere. “Benny, I wrote you a little song. One that will hopefully bring peace to your soul, and bring back the good memories of you for us.” HHB cleared his throat, and softly began to play the guitar. He then began to sing in his high pitched male voice. The song went like this:

(Verse One)
Weary travelers on a path deep in the woods
A long way from all busyness back in the hoods
Before them was a big tiger, who was looking for a bite
But no one realized how their stars would unite

(Chorus)
They realized that this tiger was not right in the head
He was a retarded tiger that would forever stain their memories
His life and pegs were short
But he still had the power to take Chuckles to his knees
We soon understand that he was a furry hero
With a courage that will never die
And an IQ less than that of zero
Benny was a striped angel that couldn't fly

(Verse Two)
He was a crazy heart and pants stealing thief
With a knack for rescuing people from grief
A cross-eyed tiger who never would back down from a fight
But no one would realize how their stars would unite

(Chorus)
They realized that this tiger was not right in the head
He was a retarded tiger that would forever stain their memories
His life and pegs were short
But he still had the power to take Chuckles to his knees
We soon understand that he was a furry hero
With a courage that will never die
And an IQ less than that of zero
Benny was a striped angel that couldn't fly

HHB put his guitar down and patted Benny on the stomach. And I could tell from the crazy look in his eyes he had the same idea I had. So I started to have Chuckles take everyone away so we could make our tiger surprise for dinner, but WOW chimed in.

“Ranger, aren't you going to say anything?” she asked. I had forgotten all about saying something. So I stepped forward to take my turn.

“Benny,” I said, only really knowing one thing to say, “Dueces.” I was going to just leave it at that, but WOW was giving me the look. Not the angry, I'm going to rip out your soul and eat with a salad look. But more of the I'm disappointed in you look, that made me feel guilty.

“Well,” I began again, “Benny, you weren't bad for a little fur ball. I appreciate your courage and selfless actions. I know you are now enjoying having all four legs and a properly functioning brain in the big jungle in the sky. God speed my friend, God speed.”

It wasn't the best speech I had ever given, but it seemed to satisfy WOW.

“Alright, Chuckles,” I began, "please take everyone to a place where they can't see. HHB and I have a special surprise dinner for them.”

“I'm not hungry,” said WOW.

“Nonsense,” I said, “You need to eat a good meal. Its been a long time since any of us has had one. Now go, we must cook for you.”

They wondered off through some trees as HHB and I took out our boy scout knives to skin the tiger corpse, which at that point I was no longer referring to as Benny. What? He didn't need that physical body anymore.

“That stupid, idiot,” I heard Chuckles shout. HHB and I stopped our process and ran to see what all the commotion was about. Then I realized it was me he was calling an idiot, and I could see why.

We had wondered through the woods and ended up on the yellow brick road. To the left it ended at an enormous old and creepy looking castle gate. If you followed the yellow brick road (stop singing the song, its annoying) you could see it up a hill and on the other side of the hill you could see WOW's castle.

“Hmm,” I thought out loud, “I guess we took the scenic route.”

“I'd say,” shouted Chuckles, “We would have been here in ten minutes had we taken the yellow brick road.”

“See why I was so frustrated when you guys wanted to go the other way,” said WOW.

“Chuckles, you voted for the man trail, remember,” I said, “And WOW, its not time for the 'I told you so' speech.” I would have stayed and argued longer but a wise man once said “Never argue with an idiot, they always bring you down to their level and win by experience.” So HHB went back to craving up Benny...I mean the tiger corpse.

It took a hot minute to pull off the fur, then to cut out the chunks of meat we wanted to eat. Then make a sort of redneck rotisserie out of sticks, before we finally suspended the meat over the fire.

“You ought to use the fur to make yourself some new underpants,” I said.

“Yeah,” laughed HHB, “They would be real tiger skin underwear. I just would have to hope he didn't have fleas.” That was a good point. Then HHB did something strange, which for him wasn't all that weird. He took his knife and cut out one of Benn...I mean one of the corpse's eyes. Poking a sharpened stick through the eye, HHB cooked it until it became kind of mushy. He brought the end of the stick to his mouth and pulled the eye off with his teeth. He bit down sending all the liquid squirting out and draining down his chin on to his shirt.

“Eye of the Tiger,” said HHB, making a reference to the song. I guess that was another way of taking it.

The smell of the fresh cooked meat made my mouth water, as the smoke from the fire did the same to my eyes. It took us an hour to cook it to where we thought it was safe to eat it. A little blood was still dripping of it, but that never hurt anyone.

We pulled the stick off the fire and brought it to the others waiting on the yellow brick road. Their eyes all lit up like a cop at a bakery. They all grabbed a piece and started eating it, making noises of approval.

“This is really good,” said Jules, “A little pink...I hate to see you make hamburgers.”

“Eh,” said Chuckles, “The blood adds to the flavor.”

“Man, who would have known you could cook, Ranger,” said WOW.

“Thank you, everyone.” I was glad no one had asked me where it come from, but my being relieved about it was short lived.

“Where did the meat come from?” asked WOW, of course.

“Let's just say we got it from a friend,” I said. Hoping that would be enough to serve her curiosity. Of course it wasn't.

“Which friend?” asked WOW.

“You could say it was a farewell gift from Benny,” said HHB, trying to help. WOW seemed satisfied with that answer, until Chuckles picked up on what was going on and opened his big mouth.

“Tiger, the other white meat,” Chuckles laughed. Jules stopped chewing and looked at it, then shrugged her shoulders and kept going. WOW, being a blond, took a minute to catch on before dropping the meat on the ground and spitting out the pieces she was chewing on. HHB walked over and picked up the uneaten piece she dropped and ate it himself.

“How could you?” asked WOW, “Benny was our friend.”

“Oh, c'mon, we haven't had real meat in a long time. And I couldn't let the wild animals eat him. Besides it wasn't like he needed it anymore,” I said, “And if we had died, Benny would have done the same.”

“Its the eye of the tiger, the cream of the soup,” sang Chuckles, making an interesting parody of the song. It didn't help matters though. WOW started to go into a silent rage, which kind of scared me a little.

“Look at it this way,” I said, “this way we all will have a little bit of Benny inside of us.”

“At least for a little bit anyway,” said HHB. I tried to not laugh, but Jules started laughing and that got me and HHB going. WOW was not amused, and Chuckles had a look of thought on his face.

“Wait a minute,” Chuckles finally said, “Does that mean we all have a little bit of retarded tiger in us?”

Amongst all the tears and aching stomach from laughing, I found a lot of truth in that statement. We all really do have a little retarded tiger in us, its up to all of us to find it. Then unleash it on an unsuspecting world.