Chapter Thirteen: Zombie Jamboree

As McKnight the Knight passed from this world to the next, we didn't have time to mourn his loss. Or me even re-contemplate my thoughts on guns. For up the path, we heard the screams of the undead stumbling toward us in a ravage hunger for our flesh. Something we hadn't missed since leaving the smurfs.

“Um, guys,” said Jules, “We have about thirty seconds until the zombies get here.”

“Thanks, Jules,” I said, annoyed she was pointing out the obvious, “Keep us posted.”

“Ranger,” began WOW, obviously getting ready to ask me a question, “What about McKnight the Knight?”

“He's dead,” I said, now my turn to point out the obvious. Then I realized that we would all watch the zombies devour his dead carcass. And I already felt bad enough for shooting him.

I walked and stood behind his head, and reached under his arms to drag him out of sight. The battle armor added a lot of extra weight, making it more of a struggle. HHB must have noticed, because he came over and helped. Together, we managed to hide his body in the bushes.

As we were leaving, that is when I found it. Another US ARMY crate. And since the last one we found contained such a great weapon, I excitedly opened the second...and again the same feeling hit me. The same look didn't hit Chuckles or HHB though. They knew the weapon I held was dangerous for me to have. It was a Mossberg 500 persuader, pump action twelve gauge shotgun. With tons of extra rounds!

“Uh, Ranger, are you okay?” asked HHB.

“Awww,” said Jules, “He is crying.” I felt under my eye, and sure enough a tear was streaming down.

“Its the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,” I said, sniffling a bit. The black matte finish, the eighteen and half inch barrel, it was more than I could bare.

“Everyone, take cover,” said HHB.

“Why?” asked Wow, “He looks so happy.”

“Ranger's happiness is someone else's demise,” said Chuckles, “Him with a shotgun is like a fat kid finding a piece of candy.” I pumped the gun, making sweet music to my ears. The others stepped behind me.

“Greetings,” said a gay looking feller standing on the path way, apparently controlling the zombies. They stopped behind him and a muscular native looking dude in perfect military columns. I immediately took aim with the shotgun.

“My name is Edward,” said Edward, “I'm a vampire, and this honk of stud muffin is Jacob.” Edward put his arm around Jacob. I counted to ten.

“Edward, stop it,” said Jacob, in a strong but gay voice. My count was at five. “We are here from Pig Tails, and she commands that you surrender no...” My count reached ten. The shot blasted Jacob's face into a million pieces. Edward stopped and knelt over the puddle of his lover.

Before Edward could say anything stupid, or shed a tear, I popped him with seven shots. To make sure they were down, I walked up and filled them each with ten rounds a piece.

“See what I mean,” said Chuckles. Wow and Jules looked horrified, Benny looked hungry, and Chuckles and HHB just shook their heads.

I started to take aim at the now approaching army of zombies, but Edward wasn't dead. He grabbed the end of my shotgun, which I was pulling the trigger to no avail. He launched me over his back, sending me crashing to the ground.

Edward stalked over to me, dropping the shotgun. He reared his fangs, and prepared to suck my blood. At least, I hoped that was what he was thinking. Then out of nowhere comes a purple light saber, slicing his head clean off. It rolled across the ground with a look of bewilderment on his face.

Grabbing the shotgun in mid combat roll, HHB and I went back to back, while Chuckles went to being batman, WOW went invisible, Benny went into ravage two legged retarded tiger mood, and Jules was in trouble.

A zombie had her by the arm was about to pull her to his blood thirsty, moldy mouth. I took aim, ready to turn it into a giant pencil, but Benny came charging. The zombie never seen him coming. Benny leapt off the ground, digging his claws to dig into it's back. His weight sent the zombie crashing to the ground in a face plant. He sank his jaws into the back of its head, savagely mauling it.

I turned to see HHB slicing off heads right and left. I started to back up to give him room, but I bumped into Chuckles behind me. Only at this point, he wasn't Chuckles anymore.

“Alright, boy wonder,” Batman said to me.

“I got you,” I said, “Back to back.” The zombies encircled us, and began closing in. I pumped and pulled the trigger, spraying out a constant stream of hot lead. The dead bodies of the undead piling up in front me. I looked back to see how Batman was doing, but he had gotten taken out. I quickly shot the ones closest to him.

“Wow,” I shouted, my voice barely audible over the gun fire, the humming light saber, and hungry cries of the living nightmares.

“Yes,” WOW responded.

“Now would be a good time to practice your spell,” I again yelled, blasting another zombie in the face. Its head exploding, sending down a mist of blood, brain matter, and skull fragments.

“Crackers and weed whackers, grass and glass, make it rain,” She screamed. Once again, her spell didn't work as it was intended. “Look, unicorns!”

I looked to see two white horses standing in the chaos, then I looked at their heads to see the horn that one would think a typical unicorn would have...only instead of a horn they had toilet plungers on their heads. Too busy to ask myself why, WOW and I picked up Chuckles and laid him across the unicorn's back before climbing up with him. HHB and Jules climbed up on the other.

As the zombies once again closed in around us, I took aim from my new perch and pumped it up. But to my disappointment, I was out of ammo. HHB did his best to hold them off, but his force powers were growing weak, and there was just too many of them.

“Come get some!” shouted a familiar voice. We looked to see DDP standing on the pathway, with an evil smile on his face. His light saber was drawn in one hand, and his other was ready to unleash furry.

“DDP?!?” I said, confused whether I should be glad see him or a put a bullet in his noodle.

“Shut up, fagot,” he yelled in a deep, echoing voice. He then sprayed out a storm of force lightening, shocking fifty zombies at once. Their cold lifeless eyes melted in their sockets as their chests' exploded from the sudden surge of electricity.

DDP then leaped in the air, into a forward corkscrew with his red light saber out in front of him like a spear. The zombies never had a chance. He slaughtered them all in a matter of minutes, leaving liters of dismembered bodies.

Then just as quickly he appeared, DDP was gone. Leaving us to wonder why the dark evil lord of the Sith would help us rather than kill us. I decided to keep an eye out for anything unusual, but then again everything was unusual.

“Uh-Oh” said Jules. I looked at her to see she was staring at her pale green skinned left arm. There was a small wound on her wrist with green blood oozing out. That's when I noticed a black poison crawling slowly up her veins. She had been infected with the zombie virus.

“Jules, lay down on the ground,” I said, then grabbing HHB's light saber from him. “You are going to feel a slight pinch.” She followed instructions, but with a weird look on her face. Before she could question me, I turned on the light saber and neatly sliced off her arm before the poison could spread. The heat from the light saber cauterized all the veins, capillaries, and arteries preventing blood loss. She would have a left nub for an arm now, but at least she would try to eat us.

As I had Chuckles treat Jules for shock, I looked at Benny and scratched him behind the ears. He turned and looked at me with his crossed eyes, but instead of gratitude I saw fear and pain in his blue feline eyes. He let out a grunt and collapsed on the ground.