The thick smoke and particles of floating ashes blotted out the fading evening sun, making it difficult to breath as we raced toward Benny. The scattered limbs, and fresh blood made the ground like a twisted slip-n-slide obstacle course. The smell of burnt flesh made my stomach turn.Through the haze, we finally made it to Benny. He was lying on his side in a small crater, soaked in red and green. He moved his head only enough to look at us. Looking at his body, I noticed both his hind legs were missing, and the stubs where they had been were still bleeding. It was too much for WOW, she sat on the ground and cried. Chuckles, HHB, and Luke stood there with grim expressions, not looking at anyone.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out my shades to help keep the smoke out, then took off my bag, and started digging in side. WOW must have noticed the shades, because she got up with her face covered in snot and tears.
“You can’t do this,” said WOW.
“I have too,” I replied. Not settling for my answer, WOW grabbed me by the arm, trying to stop me.
“But he’s our friend,” cried WOW.
“I know,” I said, “That is why I have to get some bandages out. Otherwise he will bleed to death. And instead of being a retarded two legged tiger, he will be a dead tiger.” WOW let go of my arm, and helped as I went to work.
She propped up Benny’s hind quarters as I took two latex gloves. Placing the first glove as high up on the nub as I could, I tied it tightly around. I then tied a stick, acting as a handle on top of the first glove, creating a tourniquet.
“Chuckles,” I shouted, “Get over here and crank this down, and then tape it in place. I’ll get started on the other one.” Chuckles came and did his thing, as I started work on the second, repeating the same process as before.
“Is there anything I can do?” asked HHB, feeling left out.
“Yeah, you and the Pillsbury Dough boy go make a harness that can hold a tiger on Chuckles back.”
“Why do I have carry him? HHB should do it.” whined Chuckles.
“Because, HHB is too short. He would drag the nubs on the ground knocking the bandages off.”
With everyone working, and the bleeding stopped, it was time to dress the wounds. I took gauze and stuffed it in the wound, packing in as much as I could. Then I took a bandage and wrapped it around, securing it in place with tape. And again, I repeated the same process with the second nub.
“Do you think he is going to make it?” asked WOW.
“I don’t know,” I said, “He’s lost a lot of blood, on top of the blood leaking into his brain.”
“Why did you do it, then?” asked WOW
“Do what?”
“Try and save him,” said WOW, “I mean I’m gratefully you are trying, but I thought you would go for the gun first.”
“Well, it is a waste of our supplies,” I began, “but, you are right. Benny is our friend, I couldn’t leave him here. Besides, someone once told me that its not my place to choose who dies and who lives.” WOW smiled and gave me a weird look. I pretended to ignore it. Probably should have put a bullet in his head, but for some reason it didn’t seem like the right thing to do.
After getting all the bandages secured came the difficult part. It took all four of us to lift Benny as Chuckles slipped the harness over his shoulders. Chuckles then struggled to his feet, with Benny firmly strapped to his back.
“I think it is best we check the village,” said Luke.
“Brilliant, Sherlock,” I said, “Did you come up with that by yourself, or did the force tell you.”
“Do you have a problem with me?” asked Luke. But before I could answer, He took out his light saber and charged toward the tree line.
We walked over to see him once again slicing at the trees. Again yelling there were Sith spies in it. And again we looked up. And again, there was no one in it.
“Does he know there is nobody in there?” whispered WOW.
“He’s about to,” I said. I walked over and tapped him on the shoulder. I jumped back as he whirled around and nearly took my head off with the light saber. “Whatch ya doin?”
“The..Sith…spies…were…wat…ching…us,” said Luke, trying to catch his breath.
“There is no one up there, buddy,” I said, patting Luke on the back. He looked up, and then turned his light saber off, shaking his head.
“Yes there is,” said Luke, frantically pointing at the tree.” We all tried to reason with him, but it was of no use. The man was out of his mind. Then I got an idea.
“Hey,” I whispered to WOW, “Want to practice your spell again?”
“Ok,” WOW said, “Luke, stand back. Hobos and homos, wrenches and benches, make it rain!” Well, no cow appeared this time, but then again no one turned rocks either. And since there wasn’t anyone there to turn to stone, it didn’t hurt any one. All of sudden, we heard something fall from the sky and hit the ground behind HHB.
He ran over to the object and picked it up. It looked like a sandwich, some kind of meat on wheat bread. Smiling really big, HHB took a huge bit.
“Hey! Its turkey and wheat with mayo and pickle, my favorite,” HHB shouted with him mouth full. Then after a few minutes, we convinced Mr. Disturbed that they were turned to rock. I know, we lied, but it was for the good of the out fit.
“Hey guys,” said Chuckles, “What’s Benny doing?” Concerned Benny may have passed out, I looked at him. He was fine, actually he was more than fine. Benny was humping Chuckles’ back. Everyone started rolling with laughter, except Chuckles.
“What’s going on?” frantically asked Chuckles, Benny now shaking his whole body with each more excited hump. On top of it, Benny had this fiery look of passion in his eyes. Benny was going to rape Chuckles, and I sure wasn’t going to try and stop him.
“Benny loves you,” shouted WOW.
“Benny really loves you,” I shouted.
“That’s right Benny,” shouted Luke, “use the force!” Chuckles must have figured it out, because he started laughing and screaming rape at the same time. Benny, not wanting to be interrupted, knocked Chuckles to the ground and then used his front paws to push Chuckles’ face into the ground. Almost as if he were trying to muffle the screams.
“Watch, as the tiger makes sweet love to his mate,” said HHB in a Crocodile Hunter voice. He then pulled out his phone and started filming Benny and Chuckles, who had at this point given up fighting. “See the passion of nature, as the tiger attempts to spread his seed, fueling on the cycle of life.”
Up to this point it was funny. As Benny neared his euphoric climax, he let out a huge moan that left tears streaming down our face and our stomachs aching in laughter. Then just like that, Benny was done. He let off Chuckles face, and went to sleep. No tip or thank you, taking all of Chuckles dignity.
“I feel so used,” said Chuckles with a smile.
“Don’t be surprised if he ignores you in the morning,” said WOW. After poking fun at Chuckles a few more minutes, we helped him to his feet, Benny fast asleep on his back.
Like Luke suggested, we march off toward the village. It was farther away than it appeared, but we used the smoke rising from the smoldering huts to guide us. Perhaps some of our rockets had missed their mark, and hit a few.
Finally reaching the village, we saw bodies littering the streets everywhere. They looked like children with big fuzzy feet.
“Oh crap,” said HHB.
“What?” I asked.
“I think this was a hobbit village.” Great, I thought. We finally found a hobbit village and we accidentally killed everyone inside.
“Good going,” I said to WOW.
“What?!? How is this my fault?”
“Well, if you had reappeared a little sooner, then we wouldn’t have attacked the leprechauns. Then these critters would be alive, not to mention Benny would still have both his legs.”
“Oh, is that so,” WOW said, giving me a death stare with her hands on her hip. She then removed one hand to point her finger at me. “Well, if you weren't such a stubborn mule [this part of the conversation was edited for content], and stuck to the yellow brick road, we wouldn’t be in this situation at all.”
“Listen hear you little…”
“Enough…” said Luke, interrupting my next sentence. Which, it was a good thing. I was probably about to say something I would regret. WOW stalked off, muttering under her breath. “We don’t want to make a bad impression on the survivors.”
Luke pointed to an untouched hut. There was a little hobbit man, I thought. His feet were covered by the long black robe he was wearing. Beside him stood two hobbit women, one with black hair slightly taller than the other. The shorter one had shorter brown hair and wore classes.
The little man one walked over to us with a big smile, while the two women had no expression what so ever.
“Thank you! God bless the wind beneath your wings,” he shouted, shaking all of our hands enthusiastically. I was confused.
“Sir, could you explain what you mean?” asked Luke before I could reach for my gun and put it to his head.
“Anything for our heroes,” the man began, “My name is Jimmy. These are my wives. The black haired one is Menu and the other is Shortstuff. Our village was being attacked by the Leprechauns, until you fine people came to our rescue.”
“Why were they attacking you, Jimmy?” I asked.
“Because, you see we hobbits have a bit of attachment to their find golden barley,” he said, “But recently our village had fallen on hard times, and we were behind on our payments. The leprechauns, being the greedy little turds they are, were here to collect…with our heads.” Interesting, apparently we had saved them in the process of destroying them. We could use this to our advantage.
“No problem, glad we could help,” said Luke.
“Is there anything we could do to repay you,” said Jimmy.
“Well,” I began, “There are a couple things. First off, we are trying to find the castle of a little demon girl. Could you help us find it?”
“Yes, most definitely, kind, sir,” said Jimmy.
“Also, you wouldn’t happened to have a doctor around?” I asked. Jimmy looked at Benny, sleeping on Chuckles’ back and saw the bandages on his legs.
“Let me see what we can do,” said Jimmy. He led us to a hut, where we gently placed Benny on a table.
“I’ll stay behind and look after Benny,” said Chuckles.
“Alright. Well, patch’em up, then book him for rape,” I said.
This rest of the afternoon was uneventful. Luke and HHB went off to find parts to build a light saber. Chuckles stayed closely by Benny’s side. I thought it might have something to do from their intimate moment earlier.
“Ranger, can I talk to you?” asked WOW, interrupting my quiet time.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Please.”
“Fine.”
“I want to apologize for earlier,” she began, “I know we both said some things that were hurtful. Regardless whether we meant them or not, I know you are trying to help.”
“Thank you,” I said. I wasn’t going to say anything else, but WOW kept staring at me, waiting for my turn. “I’m sorry too.”
“For?” she asked. Apparently my apology wasn’t good enough. As I searched for what I was suppose to say (because with women, there is always something that you are suppose to say, but only God knows what that is), HHB came bounding up, excited. I was glad to see him, mainly because it bailed me out.
“Check out my new light saber,” said HHB, lifting it up and turning it on. The bright purple glow was impressive. The hilt was interesting. He had found a guitar neck and somehow managed to make it work. At that time, Jimmy came back with Chuckles and Benny.
Benny looked relatively good, it if you didn’t notice the fact he now had two wooden pegs for back legs. His walking wasn’t as noble and majestic as it once was, he wobbled a little more. But he was a live, and that is what counts.
As night fell, we said goodnight to Jimmy and his wives. They made their way to his hut, meanwhile we grabbed a few beds and pushed them into a separate hut of our own. We paired off, me with HHB, and Chuckles with Benny. WOW got her own. I would have made an issue of it, but I really didn’t care. It was just good to sleep in a bed again. Luke volunteered to stand guard outside in case we were surprised. And considering the surprises we had had so far, that was a good idea. Wouldn’t want to wake up and find a giant beaver or a worse creature had mauled half of us to death.
And it was a good thing we got our rest, because nothing would prepare us for what we found the next morning.
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