Chapter Five: When I Get Low, I Get High

If you are an animal lover reading this story, then I apologize. I really do enjoy critters, but not when they are trying to eat me. This tiger would have been cool, if it were in a cage at the zoo. Under the circumstances, it was only scary. It had to die.

Chuckles lay on the ground bleeding as the rest of us stood in front of him, attempting to protect him from the hungry beast. The tiger was still feeling the effects of the blunt force trauma it received. I can’t really describe it, but something about it didn’t seem quite right. It wasn’t growling, only looking at us, with an almost sheepish grin on its face.

I stepped forward, challenging the monster. Reaching into my pocket, I went for my boy scout knife. Tiger would be on the menu for this evening.

The tiger stepped forward, still grinning, accepting the duel. It dragged its front paws back and forth across the ground, like a bull getting ready for a charge. It took off in a dead sprint at me. I stood my ground, trying to pull the knife from my pocket. But sense there are car keys, receipts, and other useless crap in my pockets, I couldn’t get it out. I braced for the incoming impact and mauling.

The tiger leapt off the ground and crashed into me, knocking me off my feet. It stood over me, dinner bells ringing. I closed my eyes, waiting for his teeth to start tearing out flesh. Instead of teeth, I felt a wet sand paper like thing go across the top of my head. Then I felt it again, and again. The tiger was licking me.

I pushed the tiger off me and jumped to my feet. The tiger looked at me, still smiling, tongue dangling out of its mouth like a dog. It was at that moment I realized this tiger was retarded.

“Are you crazy?!?!” shouted WOW, coming from behind to slap me in the back of the head. It didn’t bother me, I was too busy studying the tiger.

“What just happened?” asked HHB, just as confused. Looking at the tiger, I noticed its head was swelling.

“It’s dying,” I said.

“Dying?” asked HHB, “He seems fine.”

“It’s definitely not fine,” I said, “Its bleeding in the brain. Making him retarded, that’s why it didn’t eat me.”

I looked at Chuckles and HHB. It was that time again. Once more, we couldn’t let the tiger suffer. HHB walked over and took Chuckles’s gun and shades.

“Tiger,” I started, both of us raising our guns and putting on the shades, “Deuces.”

We started to fire when WOW ran in front of us and kneeled in front of the tiger, who was now rolling on its back, playfully growling and swatting at the pollen falling to the ground.

“You can’t kill it,” she said. Great, not only was she a witch, but a tree hugger.

“Its dying,” I said, “Rather than let it suffer, its better to kill it.”

“Death is part of the cycle of life,” said HHB, “We live, suck some air for a while, then die. Now is the tiger’s time.”

“No,” said WOW, not persuaded by our words or our unmoved guns, “He still has some life to live. It is not for you to decide who lives or who dies.”

The tiger started licking her face, as her eyes pleaded with us to not kill it. Against my better judgment, I lowered my gun and took off the shades. The tiger would live.

“Well,” I said, not wanting to sound like I was admitting she was right, “If we end up on Animal Planet’s Fatal Attractions, I’m blaming you.”

“I can see the newspaper headlines, now. Three people were killed at Walmart today when a tiger mauled them to death,” said HHB, laughing to himself, “Sources say, they thought it was friendly.”

“Benny wouldn’t hurt us,” said WOW, in a motherly loving tone. She scratched his belly, his leg start kicking like a dog’s.

“Benny? Why Benny?” I asked.

“Because he looks like a Benny,” she said. As much as it pained me, I had to give her credit. Most chicks would have named him like Snuggle muffins, or another gay name. At least this one would let him keep his masculinity.

“I hate to ruin this bonding moment, but I’ve got an arrow sticking out my leg. Not to mention, all the blood that is going every where,” shouted Chuckles. I had forgotten all about him.

I ran over and reassessed the leg. It was still bleeding, and needed dressed immediately to prevent infection. Grabbing my bag, I pulled out the gauze and trauma bandage. And I had to find something to break the arrow off because we couldn’t risk pulling it out. That would cause much more damage, and could rupture an artery or vein, leading to massive hemorrhage, and ultimately death. The best way to treat, stabilize the arrow so it didn’t move until a doctor could take a look.

Before I could do anything, Benny ran over and grabbed hold of the arrow with his mouth. Chuckles started screaming, Benny didn’t care, he wanted the stick. Benny began to run backward, thrashing his head, wiggling Chuckles’s leg and dragging him across the ground. It was hilarious, even more so when the arrow snapped. Chuckles’s leg fell to the ground, and Benny fell over backwards.

“Stupid, tiger,” shouted Chuckles.

“Be nice to him, he doesn’t know any better,” said WOW.

“Yeah,” said HHB, “Don’t call Benny stupid. How would you like it if you were retarded and someone called you stupid?”

Chuckles mumbled something under his breath, it definitely wasn’t nice. I walked over and began to patch him up.

“HHB, come here please,” I said, opening up the gauze packages. I placed one roll of gauze on each side of the arrow, in a half circle. “Hold those down, and use lots of pressure.” Chuckles winced as HHB held them in place. Taking the neatly rolled trauma bandage in my left hand, I propped up Chuckles’s leg with my foot. I carefully wrapped the bandage over the wound and gauze. Pulling all the elasticity out of the bandage, I continued to wrap it around the arrow, leaving only enough room for the end of the arrow to stick out. Then I secured the bandage in place with some medical tape. He was as good as new.

So a now gimpy Chuckles, WOW, myself, HHB, and Benny the retarded tiger start back off down the trail. Night began to set in, and the sounds of the night filled the air. Crickets sang their nightly song, echoed by the occasional coyote howl off in the distance. The wind gently rustled through the trees, it was a picture perfect night.

We had gone several miles down the trail, and decided to pitch camp for the night. Gathering some timber, we managed to get a small fire going. Exhausted, we plopped down next to it. The only one who wasn’t tired was Benny. He was busy off looking in the woods. I couldn’t really see what he was doing, but he was trying to be stealthy.

A few seconds later, I heard him give a whale like growl and pounce on something. There was a short skirmish, by the sounds of it. Benny came out, triumphantly trotting with something in his mouth. He came right up to me and dropped it out of his mouth. I looked and saw the mangled head of a rabbit. Benny looked at me, almost telling me I caught this for you.

“Thanks. Good job, Benny,” I said patting him on the head. He licked my face then headed back off into the woods. I pulled out my pocket knife and cut just deep enough to make an opening in the fur. Pulling off the skin, gutting it, and then cutting of its limbs and head, I put the meat on a stick over the fire.

Benny started growling again. Soon, I could hear another battle taking place, but this one was different. Someone was screaming. Not good.

“Let go of me,” screamed a little green man, hanging from Benny’s mouth. Benny had him by his green trousers, his little black shoed feet were kicking wildly with no effect. The little man was wearing a green hat that had a black buckle on the front. It was a hobbit!

Benny dropped him in front of me again, so I grabbed the dude by his shirt collar and threw his midget body against the tree. Pulling out my gun, I put it to his head.

“HHB, bring the tape from my bag,” I yelled. He quickly jump to his feet. Using the medical tape, we taped him to the tree. I then gathered us into a huddle.

“Who is he?” asked WOW.

“I don’t know,” I said, “But I think it’s a hobbit.”

“Yeah, but hobbit’s aren’t green,” said HHB, “I think its something else.”

“Either way, we can get information from him,” I said.

“Be gentle,” said WOW.

“Screw that,” said Chuckles, “let’s do bad cop, even baddier cop.” I agreed, that approach would be more effective. So Chuckles and I walked up to the green feller.

“What’s your name?” I asked, “And don’t lie or we will cut your tongue out.”

“My name is Larry,” said Larry, in a strong southern accent “And you will not lay a hand on me.”

“We make the rules, Larry,” said Chuckles. He gimped up to Larry, and punched him in the face. Larry’s head bounced back into the tree. Green blood dripped from his nose.

“Curse you!” yelled Larry, he then muttered something under his breath. WOW walked up and pulled us back to the huddle.

“He just put a curse on Chuckles,” she whispered.

“What kind of curse?” he asked.

“I don’t know, but it can’t be good,” she said.

“Well, I will fix him up then,” I said, grabbing a long thick stick.

“No, don’t,” WOW said, “You have serious anger issues.”

“No,” I said, “I have serious lack of information issues. Pain will make him talk.”

“No, it will just make him angrier,” WOW said, “Let me talk to him.” I motioned for her to go ahead. She unbuttoned the top button on her shirt, then walked over and knelt in front of him.  Devilish woman.

“Larry,” she asked, sweet and innocently, his eyes getting big and a smile on his face, “Are you a hobbit?”

“No, I’m not a hobbit,” he said, “I’m a leprechaun.”

“He’s lying,” said HHB, “Leprechaun’s are Irish.”

“That’s a myth,” Larry said.

“Larry, pay no attention to them. Look at me Larry,” WOW said, using her feminine charm, “Will you help us find a hobbit?” Larry looked at her, thinking about the question.

“I will,” he said, “but first help me find my pot of gold.” He then let out a creepy evil giggle. Not laugh, giggle.

So, we untapped Larry from the tree. He mumbled some more words and a rainbow appeared in the night sky. It looked as if it ended somewhere back in the trees. This should be easy, I thought.

“See, Ranger, that is how it is done,” smirked WOW, fixing her shirt. I glared at her. I always hated getting the ‘I told you so’ speech. So, I did what I normally do when a girl is talking to me, I ignored her. Life is much simpler when you do that.

We followed Larry off the beaten path, Benny lagging a little ways behind. He kept getting distract by the falling acorns and walnuts. Larry led us to a small clearing, where we could see the end of the rainbow. And believe it or not, the rainbow ended at a port-o-potty.

I started to walk out to it, but Larry stopped me. He motioned for us to get down. So we did, and it was a good thing, because out guarding the pot of gold were three man-bear-pigs. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch more South Park. A man-bear-pig is a terrifying beast that is half man, half pig, and half bear. A man’s body, a pig’s legs, and a bear’s head and claws. Apparently, Al Gore was serious.

“I got this,” said WOW. She reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “It’s a new spell that I’m trying to learn.”

“What does it do?” asked HHB.

“Turns your enemies to stone,” she said. WOW started to read from the paper, but Benny misunderstood what was going on. Its not his fault he’s retarded. He ran up and mistook the piece of paper for a treat, so Benny ate it.

“Well, we have two options,” said Chuckles, “Option one, wait for Benny to crap out the piece of paper and hope its still legible. Or option two, give them a hail of bullets.”

“No, bullets will not work on these creatures,” said Larry, “You can only kill them by taking off the head.”

“Do you have your knife, Chuckles?” I asked.

“Who’s Chuckles?” asked Chuckles, dead serious. Something weird was going on. Larry looked at me as if to say oops.

“If you aren’t, Chuckles, then who are you?” asked HHB.

“I’m Batman,” Chuckles replied, in a deep raspy voice.

“I got it,” shouted WOW, “I think I remember what the paper said.”

“There is no time,” said Batman/Chuckles, he got up and charged toward the Man-bear-pigs, full speed. Apparently, his leg was better.

“Gadgets and gizmos, nuts and raisins, sky of heaven make it rain,” yelled WOW, obviously doing her chant. No one turned to stone, but a cow did appear out of thin air, right in the path of Batman/Chuckles. He didn’t see it, and ran right into its side. Batman didn’t stay down long.

He ran and kicked the first man-bear-pig in the head. The creature was unharmed. It backslapped him, and sent Batman/Chuckles flying through the air into a tree behind him. He was out cold.

I was going to try and sneak up on one, but Benny ruined that approach. He let out a belting whale roar and charged. He may have been a retarded tiger, but he was still a tiger. He savagely mauled the first helpless man-bear-pig from behind. In minutes, he had ripped off the creatures head. Before long, Benny had slain all three of them. Not bad for a little fuzz ball.

“I love that tiger,” I said, as he walked up to us. Blood stained his striped furry face. I scratched his neck, like you would any cat.

We approached the port-o-potty, Larry was giddy with excitement. He tore open the door, and a golden light shined from inside. Crowding behind him in the doorway, we saw golden plants growing from inside the throne. Studying the leaves, they were marijuana leaves. This leprechaun was an addict, or quite possibly a dealer.

He reached in and pulled some out. Taking some paper from his pocket, he rolled up the leaves in it. Striking a match against the side of the outhouse, he lit the joint. Larry took a deep puff, and then slowly pushed all the smoke out his nose.

“You want a hit?” asked Larry, sticking the joint out toward us.

No one answered. We didn’t know what to do. I didn’t trust Larry, I sensed a diabolical plot about him. Regardless, we had a decision to make.