Chapter Eight: Under A Bridge

I woke up early the next morning, the others still snoring away soundly. I probably would be too, but I had to pee. Don’t you hate that.

So I crawled out quietly, trying not to wake HHB, although I don’t think that was possible. I looked at WOW, I liked her more now that she was sleeping instead of talking. Chuckles was cuddled up closely to Benny, hopefully just trying to keep warm.

The cool morning air chilled me as I stepped outside into the pale morning light, the sun not yet up over the horizon. That’s when I saw Luke, or at least his body. His light saber laid in his hands, cut off from the torso. Luke’s head and leg’s were also missing. They looked like they had been cut clean off, no blood splatter you would expect from gun fire or an animal mauling.

I decided to pee before alerting the others, also because I didn’t want to pee my pants if I happened to run into the culprit. After letting it fly, I returned back to our hut and stood in the door way.

“Oh what a beautiful morning…” I began to sing loudly. They groaned at my dreadful singing voice. Wow sat up and looked at me, a look of death both in her appearance and on her face.

“Where’s Luke?” said HHB, not moving or opening his eyes.

“He’s not feeling too well this morning,” I answered.

“What do you mean?” asked HHB.

“He’s beside himself,” I answered.

“What does that mean?”

“He’s looking at himself in a new perspective.”

“Huh?”

“He’s gone to pieces.”

“What?”

“He’s branching out.”

“I don’t get it.”

“He went out on a limb.”

“What?”

“He’s reaching beyond his means.”

“What?”

“He’s detached himself from the world.”

“Huh?”

“He is seeing if the grass is greener on the other side.”

“I still don’t get it.”

“He’s falling apart at the seams.”

“ENOUGH!” yelled a cranky WOW, not amused.

“He’s dead,” I finally said, only because I had run out of clever things to say. Everyone jumped up and ran outside to see for themselves. Jimmy and his wives must have heard us, because they rushed out to see too.

“He didn’t make it,” said Chuckles, for some reason checking his pulse.

“He looks like my Mr. Potatohead from when I was kid, after Princess threw it,” I said. I would have continued, but WOW, who was standing behind me, started beating me over the head with her water bottle.

“You don’t make jokes about dead people,” she agitatedly stated, continuing to pulverize me. I waited for her to hit me a few more times, to get the rhythm down. Then I reached back without looking and snatched it from her hands. I chucked it about fifty yards away. Didn’t do any good, she started slapping me instead.

“What happened?” asked Jimmy.

“Oh, Jimmy, you always ask the best questions,” said Shortstuff, sounding weird for someone seeing a dead body.”

“He has the most dreamy eyes,” said Menu, batting her eyelashes at him. Jimmy looked at me and smiled. I found them disturbing.

“I’m not a forensic analyst or a detective, but I think what happened is pretty obvious,” said Chuckles, “Option one, Luke did it to himself in one of his delusions. Which is unlikely. Option two, he was mauled by a wild panda of sorts, which is less likely do to the look of the wounds. Also because pandas are suppose to be cute and cuddly. Option three, there really were Sith spies, which could be possible.” Regardless of why he died, we couldn’t leave his body just laying there.

“I can’t believe it,” said HHB, shaken by the lost of his Jedi master. “There is only one thing we can do.” Chuckles and I looked at him and nodded. We reached into our pockets and put the shades on.

“What are you doing?” asked WOW. Jimmy and his wives were just as confused.

“We are going to drag chubby to a place and burn him,” I said, considering that is what was done in the Star Wars films.

“Oh,” said WOW, relieved. “I thought you were going to shoot him.”

“That would be silly,” I said with a sheepish smile, “He is already dead.” HHB and Jimmy’s squad went to gather sticks. I picked up an arm and handed it to WOW. Ok, maybe I dropped it into her hands. She screamed, dropping it back on the ground, sticking her hands up.

“What’s wrong, sugar cup?” I asked.

“Don’t call me that,” she said, “I’m not touching that. Ewww, that is so gross.” I picked it back up and tried to hand it to her again. She refused.

“C’mon, its dead,” I said, “Its not going to hurt you.” I turned the arm so the hand was it in the air, and started waving it at her. Only it was stiff as a board, so the fingers were curled.

“No,” she said, in a huffy tone. Then she stormed off before I could throw it at her. Luckily, waving wasn’t the only hand gesture I knew. The finger crackled and popped, like rice crispies, as I raised the middle finger to make an obscene gesture. I don’t know how, but she must have seen it, because as she walked away she stick her arm back to give me the same one. Made me wonder if we were still friends. I guess I would learn the truth if she de-friended me on facebook.

Chuckles and I carried each tree trunk size limb to the pile of brush the others had created. We had to work together to lift the enormous torso. After finally lifting it up, Luke’s blubber bounced with each step we took, making it even more difficult to carry.

We arranged everything in its proper place, except we realized we had forgotten the head. So Chuckles walked back over and picked it up. To our amusement, the jaw was still loose.

“Luke, how are you feeling today?” asked Chuckles to the blank staring face.

“A bit odd,” Chuckles said, answering his own question in a terrible mock Luke voice, “I have a strange feeling something is missing. Like, I’m not all there.”

“Luke, you were never all here,” Chuckles said, continuing the conversation with himself. I laughed, but no one else did. HHB walked over and agitatedly grabbed the head from him.

Using his wilderness survival skills, HHB got a fire going. The dry timbers quickly ignited, soon the fire danced around the lifeless, dismembered body. The smell of burning flesh again filled the air, making me glad I hadn’t eaten breakfast.

“Would this be an appropriate time to roast marshmallows?” asked Chuckles. We all looked at him like he was an idiot, except Jimmy. He was all for it. And of course, once he decided to do it, his wives just had too.

“Hit me,” said Jimmy, after making a few roasting sticks. I walked over and punched him in the arm, not hard but enough to let him know I hit him. “Ow, what was that for?” I realized that was a bad joke as soon as Shortstuff and Menu started hitting me. Some people.

Chuckles reached in his pocket and pulled out three marshmallows. Of course, they had been in his pocket for who knows how long. There looked to be some kind of white, fluffy mold growing on it. Jimmy didn’t care, he roasted it like a boy scout on a camping trip. After it was nice and brown, he ate the thing in one big bite.

“It has the slight taste of Jedi fil…I mean, it tastes funny,” said Jimmy, his mouth still full.

I was a bit disturbed, but it got worse. Princess again appeared, hovering in traditional form in the rising smoke. Only this time, he wasn’t alone. Cheapo was with him, and they were sitting at what appeared to be an interrogation table. But considering they were together and both their faces had signs of bruising, it wasn’t the police or FBI questioning them. This had to be good.

“What’s up, Princess,” I asked.

“Oh,” he began, “In our efforts to rescue you, we have ‘allegedly’ hijacked a Columbian drug lord’s truck, fill of illegal substances, and filled it with explosives before blowing it up.”

“Allegedly?” said Cheapo, in his redneck accent, “I dun it.” He smiled real big.

“Apparently, they aren’t to fond of our supposed work, and our un-cooperation. So they have decided to try and make us talk” said Princess. Whatever they were planning, it wasn’t going to work. Trying to get straight answers from Princess was worse than trying to get Chuckles’ mom to leave a buffet.

“It ain’t going to matter to them a whole lot in a few minutes,” proudly said Cheapo, he waved what looked to be a twelve gage hidden under the table. “I got his answer right hur.” How he smuggled it past the drug lords, I will never know. But on the flip side, neither would they.

“So what is new with you guys?” asked Princess.

“Oh, we just found Luke Skywalker dismembered,” I said, “Any ideas on how to find the culprit?”

“Luke Skywalker? Really?” said Princess. He pondered over the question, before giving his usual unhelpful advice. “Did you know that all of Al Capone’s business cards said he was a used furniture dealer.”

“Who is that? And why does his advice not help us at all?” asked WOW.

“That’s my brother, Princess.”

“Oh, that explains everything.” I sensed a jab at me in that statement, so I thought the witch should stick to making sandwiches. But I didn’t say it out loud, I had already dug myself in a hole, no sense in making it deeper.

“Well, love to stay and chat, but our friends are coming in,” said Princess. Just then I saw a big fellow step into the picture, talking in Spanish. Made me wish I had paid more attention in the three years I spent in that class.

“Say adios amigo,” said Cheapo. The last thing I saw was the fire of the shotgun and the man dropping to the ground with a gaping whole in his back.

With Luke reduced to a pile of ashes, we said our farewells and allowed Jimmy to lead us toward the castle. His wives annoying the crap out of us the whole time. They continually sang Jimmy’s praises for being so wonderful. I just figured they had smoked to much of the golden barley and their mind’s were gone.

After walking through the forest for a while, we finally came to a river. It was fairly wide, so I was glad to see an old stone bridge. As we started toward it, Jimmy stopped us.

“No, it would be better to swim across,” said Jimmy, “Trolls guard the bridges…and there is no reasoning with them.” I reached for my gun, to show him there were always ways to reason, but then decided maybe it would be better to take his advice.

So we walked down to the river’s edge, standing back a few feet.

“Check that out,” said Chuckles, pointing to a sign nearby. It said beware of crocodiles. I looked at the water, then at the sign, then at the water again. I didn’t see any crocs swimming, so I thought might be a bluff by the troll.

“Menu,” said Jimmy, “Why don’t you go first.” Blinded by her love for him, Menu did as she was told. It was a good thing she went first, because as soon as she got next to the water, a huge monster leapt out of the water and grabbed hold of Menu. It hit so fast, we all watched stunned, included Menu who was helpless trapped inside its powerful jaws. Her head and arms the only parts free from the beast’s mouth. The croc thrashed on the bank, before dragging Menu into the water. A murky mix of blood and rippling water were the only things leaving evidence to what had happened.

“I think we should try the bridge,” said HHB. Seconding that motion, I made my way over to Jimmy and patted him on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry about your wife,” I said.

“Its okay,” began Jimmy, holding up awfully well, “The only downside is now instead of nagging each other, Shortstuff only has me.”

Collecting what was left of our marry little band, we made our way to the edge of the bridge. Sure enough, a troll greeted us, blocking the way to the other side. It looked human like, two eyes, a patch of short dark hair on top its head. Its skin was pale green, like you would expect. In its hands was a large club.

“Hello there,” I said. The troll just looked at me, didn’t say anything. But it had an odd on smile on its face. “May we cross your bridge?”

“No.” It still smiled at us.

“Please, sir,” I decided to tell him the situation, “We are trying to get to a castle, and the lives of everyone depend on it.”

“Ok.”

“So we can pass?”

“No.” I don’t know what was more annoying. The fact he wouldn’t let us pass, or it smiling with each answer. I was about to wipe the smirk from his face when WOW stepped forward. She started to try the same routine that she used on Larry.

“I like men,” said the troll. WOW walked back with a can’t believe that didn’t work look on her face as the rest of us laughed hysterically. The troll laughed too. If he was serious or not, I decided to keep a closer eye on HHB.

I looked at Chuckles. We went for our shades and pulled out our guns. The troll kept on smiling, even with two barrels aimed at him.

“If you don’t move, we will shoot you,” I said.

“He will move,” said Chuckles, only this time in his batman voice. He dropped his gun, and placed a round house kick to the troll’s chin. The troll gave a deep childish giggle and then swung his club. It nailed Chuckles upside the head, knocking him unconscious. Then returned to his previous position, still with that gay smile.

“As, I was saying, if you don’t move, I will shoot you in the face,” I said.

“Ok.”

“So you will move?”

“No.”

Having enough of his words, I went to pull the trigger, only I never got the chance. I really can’t tell you what happened. Something hit me in the back of the head, and it was moving fast enough to knock me out.

Chapter Seven: Wind Beneath My Wings

The thick smoke and particles of floating ashes blotted out the fading evening sun, making it difficult to breath as we raced toward Benny. The scattered limbs, and fresh blood made the ground like a twisted slip-n-slide obstacle course. The smell of burnt flesh made my stomach turn.

Through the haze, we finally made it to Benny. He was lying on his side in a small crater, soaked in red and green. He moved his head only enough to look at us. Looking at his body, I noticed both his hind legs were missing, and the stubs where they had been were still bleeding. It was too much for WOW, she sat on the ground and cried. Chuckles, HHB, and Luke stood there with grim expressions, not looking at anyone.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out my shades to help keep the smoke out, then took off my bag, and started digging in side. WOW must have noticed the shades, because she got up with her face covered in snot and tears.

“You can’t do this,” said WOW.

“I have too,” I replied. Not settling for my answer, WOW grabbed me by the arm, trying to stop me.

“But he’s our friend,” cried WOW.

“I know,” I said, “That is why I have to get some bandages out. Otherwise he will bleed to death. And instead of being a retarded two legged tiger, he will be a dead tiger.” WOW let go of my arm, and helped as I went to work.

She propped up Benny’s hind quarters as I took two latex gloves. Placing the first glove as high up on the nub as I could, I tied it tightly around. I then tied a stick, acting as a handle on top of the first glove, creating a tourniquet.

“Chuckles,” I shouted, “Get over here and crank this down, and then tape it in place. I’ll get started on the other one.” Chuckles came and did his thing, as I started work on the second, repeating the same process as before.

“Is there anything I can do?” asked HHB, feeling left out.

“Yeah, you and the Pillsbury Dough boy go make a harness that can hold a tiger on Chuckles back.”

“Why do I have carry him? HHB should do it.” whined Chuckles.

“Because, HHB is too short. He would drag the nubs on the ground knocking the bandages off.”

With everyone working, and the bleeding stopped, it was time to dress the wounds. I took gauze and stuffed it in the wound, packing in as much as I could. Then I took a bandage and wrapped it around, securing it in place with tape. And again, I repeated the same process with the second nub.

“Do you think he is going to make it?” asked WOW.

“I don’t know,” I said, “He’s lost a lot of blood, on top of the blood leaking into his brain.”

“Why did you do it, then?” asked WOW

“Do what?”

“Try and save him,” said WOW, “I mean I’m gratefully you are trying, but I thought you would go for the gun first.”

“Well, it is a waste of our supplies,” I began, “but, you are right. Benny is our friend, I couldn’t leave him here. Besides, someone once told me that its not my place to choose who dies and who lives.” WOW smiled and gave me a weird look. I pretended to ignore it. Probably should have put a bullet in his head, but for some reason it didn’t seem like the right thing to do.

After getting all the bandages secured came the difficult part. It took all four of us to lift Benny as Chuckles slipped the harness over his shoulders. Chuckles then struggled to his feet, with Benny firmly strapped to his back.

“I think it is best we check the village,” said Luke.

“Brilliant, Sherlock,” I said, “Did you come up with that by yourself, or did the force tell you.”

“Do you have a problem with me?” asked Luke. But before I could answer, He took out his light saber and charged toward the tree line.

We walked over to see him once again slicing at the trees. Again yelling there were Sith spies in it. And again we looked up. And again, there was no one in it.

“Does he know there is nobody in there?” whispered WOW.

“He’s about to,” I said. I walked over and tapped him on the shoulder. I jumped back as he whirled around and nearly took my head off with the light saber. “Whatch ya doin?”

“The..Sith…spies…were…wat…ching…us,” said Luke, trying to catch his breath.

“There is no one up there, buddy,” I said, patting Luke on the back. He looked up, and then turned his light saber off, shaking his head.

“Yes there is,” said Luke, frantically pointing at the tree.” We all tried to reason with him, but it was of no use. The man was out of his mind. Then I got an idea.

“Hey,” I whispered to WOW, “Want to practice your spell again?”

“Ok,” WOW said, “Luke, stand back. Hobos and homos, wrenches and benches, make it rain!” Well, no cow appeared this time, but then again no one turned rocks either. And since there wasn’t anyone there to turn to stone, it didn’t hurt any one. All of sudden, we heard something fall from the sky and hit the ground behind HHB.

He ran over to the object and picked it up. It looked like a sandwich, some kind of meat on wheat bread. Smiling really big, HHB took a huge bit.

“Hey! Its turkey and wheat with mayo and pickle, my favorite,” HHB shouted with him mouth full. Then after a few minutes, we convinced Mr. Disturbed that they were turned to rock. I know, we lied, but it was for the good of the out fit.

“Hey guys,” said Chuckles, “What’s Benny doing?” Concerned Benny may have passed out, I looked at him. He was fine, actually he was more than fine. Benny was humping Chuckles’ back. Everyone started rolling with laughter, except Chuckles.

“What’s going on?” frantically asked Chuckles, Benny now shaking his whole body with each more excited hump. On top of it, Benny had this fiery look of passion in his eyes. Benny was going to rape Chuckles, and I sure wasn’t going to try and stop him.

“Benny loves you,” shouted WOW.

“Benny really loves you,” I shouted.

“That’s right Benny,” shouted Luke, “use the force!” Chuckles must have figured it out, because he started laughing and screaming rape at the same time. Benny, not wanting to be interrupted, knocked Chuckles to the ground and then used his front paws to push Chuckles’ face into the ground. Almost as if he were trying to muffle the screams.

“Watch, as the tiger makes sweet love to his mate,” said HHB in a Crocodile Hunter voice. He then pulled out his phone and started filming Benny and Chuckles, who had at this point given up fighting. “See the passion of nature, as the tiger attempts to spread his seed, fueling on the cycle of life.”

Up to this point it was funny. As Benny neared his euphoric climax, he let out a huge moan that left tears streaming down our face and our stomachs aching in laughter. Then just like that, Benny was done. He let off Chuckles face, and went to sleep. No tip or thank you, taking all of Chuckles dignity.

“I feel so used,” said Chuckles with a smile.

“Don’t be surprised if he ignores you in the morning,” said WOW. After poking fun at Chuckles a few more minutes, we helped him to his feet, Benny fast asleep on his back.

Like Luke suggested, we march off toward the village. It was farther away than it appeared, but we used the smoke rising from the smoldering huts to guide us. Perhaps some of our rockets had missed their mark, and hit a few.

Finally reaching the village, we saw bodies littering the streets everywhere. They looked like children with big fuzzy feet.

“Oh crap,” said HHB.

“What?” I asked.

“I think this was a hobbit village.” Great, I thought. We finally found a hobbit village and we accidentally killed everyone inside.

“Good going,” I said to WOW.

“What?!? How is this my fault?”

“Well, if you had reappeared a little sooner, then we wouldn’t have attacked the leprechauns. Then these critters would be alive, not to mention Benny would still have both his legs.”

“Oh, is that so,” WOW said, giving me a death stare with her hands on her hip. She then removed one hand to point her finger at me. “Well, if you weren't such a stubborn mule [this part of the conversation was edited for content], and stuck to the yellow brick road, we wouldn’t be in this situation at all.”

“Listen hear you little…”

“Enough…” said Luke, interrupting my next sentence. Which, it was a good thing. I was probably about to say something I would regret. WOW stalked off, muttering under her breath. “We don’t want to make a bad impression on the survivors.”

Luke pointed to an untouched hut. There was a little hobbit man, I thought. His feet were covered by the long black robe he was wearing. Beside him stood two hobbit women, one with black hair slightly taller than the other. The shorter one had shorter brown hair and wore classes.

The little man one walked over to us with a big smile, while the two women had no expression what so ever.

“Thank you! God bless the wind beneath your wings,” he shouted, shaking all of our hands enthusiastically. I was confused.

“Sir, could you explain what you mean?” asked Luke before I could reach for my gun and put it to his head.

“Anything for our heroes,” the man began, “My name is Jimmy. These are my wives. The black haired one is Menu and the other is Shortstuff. Our village was being attacked by the Leprechauns, until you fine people came to our rescue.”

“Why were they attacking you, Jimmy?” I asked.

“Because, you see we hobbits have a bit of attachment to their find golden barley,” he said, “But recently our village had fallen on hard times, and we were behind on our payments. The leprechauns, being the greedy little turds they are, were here to collect…with our heads.” Interesting, apparently we had saved them in the process of destroying them. We could use this to our advantage.

“No problem, glad we could help,” said Luke.

“Is there anything we could do to repay you,” said Jimmy.

“Well,” I began, “There are a couple things. First off, we are trying to find the castle of a little demon girl. Could you help us find it?”

“Yes, most definitely, kind, sir,” said Jimmy.

“Also, you wouldn’t happened to have a doctor around?” I asked. Jimmy looked at Benny, sleeping on Chuckles’ back and saw the bandages on his legs.

“Let me see what we can do,” said Jimmy. He led us to a hut, where we gently placed Benny on a table.

“I’ll stay behind and look after Benny,” said Chuckles.

“Alright. Well, patch’em up, then book him for rape,” I said.

This rest of the afternoon was uneventful. Luke and HHB went off to find parts to build a light saber. Chuckles stayed closely by Benny’s side. I thought it might have something to do from their intimate moment earlier.

“Ranger, can I talk to you?” asked WOW, interrupting my quiet time.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Please.”

“Fine.”

“I want to apologize for earlier,” she began, “I know we both said some things that were hurtful. Regardless whether we meant them or not, I know you are trying to help.”

“Thank you,” I said. I wasn’t going to say anything else, but WOW kept staring at me, waiting for my turn. “I’m sorry too.”

“For?” she asked. Apparently my apology wasn’t good enough. As I searched for what I was suppose to say (because with women, there is always something that you are suppose to say, but only God knows what that is), HHB came bounding up, excited. I was glad to see him, mainly because it bailed me out.

“Check out my new light saber,” said HHB, lifting it up and turning it on. The bright purple glow was impressive. The hilt was interesting. He had found a guitar neck and somehow managed to make it work. At that time, Jimmy came back with Chuckles and Benny.

Benny looked relatively good, it if you didn’t notice the fact he now had two wooden pegs for back legs. His walking wasn’t as noble and majestic as it once was, he wobbled a little more. But he was a live, and that is what counts.

As night fell, we said goodnight to Jimmy and his wives. They made their way to his hut, meanwhile we grabbed a few beds and pushed them into a separate hut of our own. We paired off, me with HHB, and Chuckles with Benny. WOW got her own. I would have made an issue of it, but I really didn’t care. It was just good to sleep in a bed again. Luke volunteered to stand guard outside in case we were surprised. And considering the surprises we had had so far, that was a good idea. Wouldn’t want to wake up and find a giant beaver or a worse creature had mauled half of us to death.

And it was a good thing we got our rest, because nothing would prepare us for what we found the next morning.

Chapter Six: When I See An Elephant Fly

You know what they say, if you can’t stone them, get stoned with them. So that is what we did. I can’t really tell you what happened after, its all a bit hazy for a few hours. But when we came back to our normal senses, Chuckles was Chuckles again, HHB was missing his pants, Benny was still messed up, and WOW and Larry were gone.

“Did I miss something?” said a groggy Chuckles.

“No, only you running into a cow,” said HHB, “Where is the witch and our little green friend?”

“I don’t know,” I said. It seems the little leprechaun got us high and kidnapped the witch. And judging by the little day light left, we were probably a good ways behind.

“What do we do?” asked HHB.

“I don’t really know,” I said. WOW could be in serious trouble, so we had to help her. “But, here is what I have so far. Find the bad guys, kill them, and save the damsel in distress.”

“Sounds like my kind of party,” said Chuckles, “Do you have any idea of where they went?”

“No,” I said.

“Why?” asked Chuckles, “What happened to you guys?”

“Let’s just say the pot of gold isn’t what we thought it was,” said HHB, then he used his hands to mimic smoking a joint.

“Are you serious? You guys got high?” asked Chuckles.

“Because I got high,” HHB and I started to sing.

“Why wasn’t I apart of this?” Chuckles asked.

“Because you were too busy being batman,” HHB said, “You fought a cow, and it won. Then you attacked a man-bear-pig and it won.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah,” I said, then I pointed to Benny. He was chowing down on the remains. We watched as he pulled a piece of intestine out and pulled on it. It stretched, squirting blood and bodily fluids all over Benny’s face. Finally it snapped, and Benny slurped it down like a piece of pasta.

We sat for a few minutes, trying to figure out what to do, but we had no clue. The only thing we did know was our friend needed help.

“Hey look,” said HHB pointing to Princess, again appearing in his blue orb form. This time he was standing at what looked to be a urinal, oblivious to the fact we were watching him.

“Hey there, sexy,” shouted Chuckles. Princess looked around, a bit confused. Zipping himself back up, and whirled around do see us behind him. Thankfully, he zipped himself first.

“Perverts” said Princess.

“Only on Thursdays,” said Chuckles. You see every Thursday is known as “Man Love Thursday.” The title is self explanatory, except not as gross as your gutter filled mind is thinking.

“Did you figure out how to get us home?” I asked.

“No, I thought it had something to do with the burrito at the Bell, but apparently not,” said Princess, “But I have acquired Cheapo to help in the efforts.”

“That’s good,” said HHB, “Have you guys acquired a wanted status yet?”

“Only on GTA,” said Princess. Cheapo was a very unique individual. He loved video games, pro wrestling, hunting, but not as much as blowing things up. So if he was helping Princess, then it would only be a matter of time. “So anything interesting happen to you guys?”

“We killed the power rangers, met a witch, gained a retarded pet tiger, and got high with a leprechaun,” answered HHB, “but nothing too exciting yet.”

“Yeah, and apparently, I’m batman,” said Chuckles, half jokingly.

“Sounds like a good time,” said Princess.

“Speaking of which,” I began, “We are supposed to be protecting this witch right now, but the leprechaun has taken her. Any words of advice?” I don’t know why I asked, considering his last set of help. But who knows, maybe it might be better.

Princess got his thinking face on, and pondered it over for a minute. That’s when I knew this wasn’t going to help at all.

“In 1209 on a hot summer day there was a guy who was ordered to be executed by the king. The king was a nice king though and he said that if the guy could prove himself wise, he would let him go. The king filled the room with fake flowers, hiding in one real one. The king gave the guy 15 seconds to find the real one. ‘Can you open the window? Its hot in here,’ asked the man. The king did so and right away the man found the flower. How did he do it?” asked Princess.

“He was gay,” shouted Chuckles.

“No, that is you,” answered Princess.

“Only on Thursdays,” said Chuckles.

“No, the man saw a bee come in the window and land on the flower,” said Princess. I was right, it didn’t help. “By the way, HHB, why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“Because Chuckles wears the pants in their relationship,” I joked, once again laughing at my own cleverness.

“I have no clue why,” said HHB, ignoring me, “I have no clue where they are.”

“They over there.” Princess then pointed behind us. We turned around to see Benny running with the pants in his mouth. Part of the right leg was torn off up to the knee. It was a good thing we weren’t worried about modesty, HHB would be showing his ankles.

I turned to tell Princess thanks for his none usefulness, but he was already gone. Once again, we had to figure it out for ourselves.

“HHB, you shave those hairy legs a bit, and you might give WOW a run for her money,” joked Chuckles, looking at HHB’s now bear ankle.

HHB was about to say something when Benny let out a whale sounding roar…yes like a whale. His crossed eyes were staring intently into the woods. Drawing our fire arms, we cautiously approached. That is when we heard the humming of a light saber. And the through the tangled mess of tree limbs and leaves, we saw a fat brown cloaked figure and a green glow slashing at a nearby tree. This man appeared to be disturbed.

“Get back,” yelled the man, still frantically swinging, “This tree is full of Sith spies.” We walked up behind him, looked up into the tree. There was nobody there, but not wanting to upset the man, I turned to Chuckles. We put on our shades, and opened up on the tree.

After two magazines each, and none stop slicing from the mysterious stranger, the tree let out a loud groan and started to fall. The only problem was it was headed towards us.

Chuckles and I dove off to the side, doing a combat roll back to our feet. Looking back, we saw the man standing there, the tree falling toward him, threatening to make him a human pudding cup. A speeding blur of flowing hair burst past us and tackled the fellow, knocking them both away from the tree which thundered to the ground, echoing throughout the whole area.

“Ralph Nader is going to upset,” said Chuckles, looking at the tree lying on the ground. I looked at the chubby man lying on the ground, his plumpness was making it hard for him to get up. After several minutes of flailing his arms and legs he managed to get to his feet. Cautious of everyone at this point, I put the gun to his head.

“You have until I pull the trigger to give me your name,” I said, “and I have an itchy finger.”

“I mean you no harm,” said the man, who had a look of surprise hidden by thick red beard on his face. “I am Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.” He took of his hood, and sure enough it was Luke. A bit aged and rounder since the last film, but it was him.

“Its an honor, sir,” I said, quickly putting my gun away. I shook his hand, so did HHB. Chuckles was too much in shock to move.

“And you, young one,” Luke said turning to HHB, “the force is strong with you.” It was our turn to look surprised. The only thing I could think was the hair.

“Well, those MREs do make you gassy,” said HHB, trying to play it off.

“I’m serious,” said Luke, “For too long now, I have been the last of Jedi. And my days are numbered, its time to pass on my knowledge to someone else.”

“Are you wanting me to become your apprentice?” asked HHB.

“Either that, or he wants to marry you,” I said. Luke gave me a strange look, as if I should know better. Chuckles laughed.

“Become who you were born to be,” said Luke, “Fulfill your destiny. Join me, HHB.” And just like that, HHB was a Jedi Padawan. “Now we must find pieces to construct you a light saber.”

“As great and sappy as this moment is,” I began, proud to see our little HHB growing up, “We need your help with something first.”

Luke listened intently as we explained to him our twisted story. Then we told him about the leprechaun and how he had kidnapped WOW.

“Never smoke weed, and don’t ever trust a leprechaun,” said Luke, “Haven’t you ever seen the Leprechaun movies? They are only after one thing.”

“Thanks, mom,” I said, no wanting to get lectured by an old and overweight hermit.

“Hey, show the man some respect,” Chuckles said, “He stood up and fought the Emperor.”

“And got electrocuted,” I snapped back, “His record in Sith duels isn’t that impressive to me. He loses his hand to Vader, then Vader had to save his skin against the Emperor.”

“Enough on my successes and failures,” Luke began. I didn’t recall saying anything about his successes, but whatever floats his boat. “I know where the leprechauns hang out. But it won’t be an easy task. They are vicious warriors that ride on giant elephants.”

“How vicious?” I asked.

“Have you seen 300?” asked Luke. So we were going up miniature Spartans, sounded like a good time. So Chuckles/Batman, HHB the Jedi padawan, Luke Skywalker, Benny the retarded tiger, and myself set off to find the witch.

We traveled over the river and through the woods, but we didn’t find grandmas house. Instead, we found thousands of leprechauns sitting on elephants in a small village sitting in a small clearing. Our gang took refuge in the trees, trying to figure out how to commence our suicide attack.

“Hey, what’s this?” asked Chuckles. I walked over to him and saw a large crate stamped with US Army all over it. Since it was conveniently located, we popped the top open. As I looked inside my legs went weak, my palms started sweating, as if I were talking to the world’s hottest girl.

“What is it?” asked Chuckles.

“This,” I said, reaching in and pulling out a bazooka like object, “is an anti-tank gun.” There were four more inside, with enough rounds to take over France…okay maybe that was a bad example. “All we need now is something to draw them this way.”

“As usual,” said HHB, “Benny is all over it.” We looked to see Benny standing about thirty yards in front of us. He let out his hilarious roar, and fearlessly charged. The leprechauns immediately took notice of him.

They started screaming, then a flock of them armed with spears charged toward Benny. The running elephants shook the ground, as if Chuckles’s mom was jumping on the bed. As they neared for the epic tiger versus elephant collision, Benny leapt six feet off the ground with claws fully extended at an oncoming elephant. Using its trunk, it grabbed Benny and launched him through the air, and into the oncoming pile behind them. We sat stunned and helpless as our companion disappeared into a cloud of dust and thudding feet.

“BENNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” screamed HHB, standing to his feet. He placed the bazooka on his shoulder, and pushed the red button. Flames shot out the back end of the barrel as the rocket surged out into the oncoming herd. It crushed into the center of their line, lighting up the evening sky. Smoke, fire, blood, leprechauns, and elephant parts rained down.

“For Benny,” I said, patting HHB on the shoulder. We all stood by him and opened fire. Our brave, but ignorant, enemies came toward us only to be blown to smithereens.

The lopsided battle raged on for two more minutes. As the smoke cleared, we could see no elephant or leprechaun were left a live. It would be a time long remembered in Wally World as the day the elephant flew.

“Well,” I said, looking at the burning village off in the distance, “I hope WOW survived.”

“Of course I did,” she said, standing behind me. Scaring me so bad, I wished I had a clean pair of pants.

“Where the heck have you been?” asked HHB, like a concerned father.

“Did they harm you?” asked Chuckles.

“Did who harm me?” WOW asked, “And who is that guy?”

“That is Luke Skywalker,” I answered, “But never mind him. How did you get away from the leprechauns?” WOW looked at me in only the way a confused blonde would. Then after what seemed like an eternity, it finally clicked.

“Oh,” she giggled, “You guys thought the leprechauns got me. No, no, no, I disappeared the minute you guys started taking puffs of the magic dragon and HHB took his pants off. I didn’t know what to expect.” I looked at Luke. Then at HHB. Then at Chuckles. I would have given Benny the same look of disgust, but it was at that moment I realized Benny was still out there somewhere.

“Oh my…” I solemnly said, dropping my bazooka and running toward the battlefield, hoping our friend hadn't paid the ultimate sacrifice for the needless bloodshed.

Chapter Five: When I Get Low, I Get High

If you are an animal lover reading this story, then I apologize. I really do enjoy critters, but not when they are trying to eat me. This tiger would have been cool, if it were in a cage at the zoo. Under the circumstances, it was only scary. It had to die.

Chuckles lay on the ground bleeding as the rest of us stood in front of him, attempting to protect him from the hungry beast. The tiger was still feeling the effects of the blunt force trauma it received. I can’t really describe it, but something about it didn’t seem quite right. It wasn’t growling, only looking at us, with an almost sheepish grin on its face.

I stepped forward, challenging the monster. Reaching into my pocket, I went for my boy scout knife. Tiger would be on the menu for this evening.

The tiger stepped forward, still grinning, accepting the duel. It dragged its front paws back and forth across the ground, like a bull getting ready for a charge. It took off in a dead sprint at me. I stood my ground, trying to pull the knife from my pocket. But sense there are car keys, receipts, and other useless crap in my pockets, I couldn’t get it out. I braced for the incoming impact and mauling.

The tiger leapt off the ground and crashed into me, knocking me off my feet. It stood over me, dinner bells ringing. I closed my eyes, waiting for his teeth to start tearing out flesh. Instead of teeth, I felt a wet sand paper like thing go across the top of my head. Then I felt it again, and again. The tiger was licking me.

I pushed the tiger off me and jumped to my feet. The tiger looked at me, still smiling, tongue dangling out of its mouth like a dog. It was at that moment I realized this tiger was retarded.

“Are you crazy?!?!” shouted WOW, coming from behind to slap me in the back of the head. It didn’t bother me, I was too busy studying the tiger.

“What just happened?” asked HHB, just as confused. Looking at the tiger, I noticed its head was swelling.

“It’s dying,” I said.

“Dying?” asked HHB, “He seems fine.”

“It’s definitely not fine,” I said, “Its bleeding in the brain. Making him retarded, that’s why it didn’t eat me.”

I looked at Chuckles and HHB. It was that time again. Once more, we couldn’t let the tiger suffer. HHB walked over and took Chuckles’s gun and shades.

“Tiger,” I started, both of us raising our guns and putting on the shades, “Deuces.”

We started to fire when WOW ran in front of us and kneeled in front of the tiger, who was now rolling on its back, playfully growling and swatting at the pollen falling to the ground.

“You can’t kill it,” she said. Great, not only was she a witch, but a tree hugger.

“Its dying,” I said, “Rather than let it suffer, its better to kill it.”

“Death is part of the cycle of life,” said HHB, “We live, suck some air for a while, then die. Now is the tiger’s time.”

“No,” said WOW, not persuaded by our words or our unmoved guns, “He still has some life to live. It is not for you to decide who lives or who dies.”

The tiger started licking her face, as her eyes pleaded with us to not kill it. Against my better judgment, I lowered my gun and took off the shades. The tiger would live.

“Well,” I said, not wanting to sound like I was admitting she was right, “If we end up on Animal Planet’s Fatal Attractions, I’m blaming you.”

“I can see the newspaper headlines, now. Three people were killed at Walmart today when a tiger mauled them to death,” said HHB, laughing to himself, “Sources say, they thought it was friendly.”

“Benny wouldn’t hurt us,” said WOW, in a motherly loving tone. She scratched his belly, his leg start kicking like a dog’s.

“Benny? Why Benny?” I asked.

“Because he looks like a Benny,” she said. As much as it pained me, I had to give her credit. Most chicks would have named him like Snuggle muffins, or another gay name. At least this one would let him keep his masculinity.

“I hate to ruin this bonding moment, but I’ve got an arrow sticking out my leg. Not to mention, all the blood that is going every where,” shouted Chuckles. I had forgotten all about him.

I ran over and reassessed the leg. It was still bleeding, and needed dressed immediately to prevent infection. Grabbing my bag, I pulled out the gauze and trauma bandage. And I had to find something to break the arrow off because we couldn’t risk pulling it out. That would cause much more damage, and could rupture an artery or vein, leading to massive hemorrhage, and ultimately death. The best way to treat, stabilize the arrow so it didn’t move until a doctor could take a look.

Before I could do anything, Benny ran over and grabbed hold of the arrow with his mouth. Chuckles started screaming, Benny didn’t care, he wanted the stick. Benny began to run backward, thrashing his head, wiggling Chuckles’s leg and dragging him across the ground. It was hilarious, even more so when the arrow snapped. Chuckles’s leg fell to the ground, and Benny fell over backwards.

“Stupid, tiger,” shouted Chuckles.

“Be nice to him, he doesn’t know any better,” said WOW.

“Yeah,” said HHB, “Don’t call Benny stupid. How would you like it if you were retarded and someone called you stupid?”

Chuckles mumbled something under his breath, it definitely wasn’t nice. I walked over and began to patch him up.

“HHB, come here please,” I said, opening up the gauze packages. I placed one roll of gauze on each side of the arrow, in a half circle. “Hold those down, and use lots of pressure.” Chuckles winced as HHB held them in place. Taking the neatly rolled trauma bandage in my left hand, I propped up Chuckles’s leg with my foot. I carefully wrapped the bandage over the wound and gauze. Pulling all the elasticity out of the bandage, I continued to wrap it around the arrow, leaving only enough room for the end of the arrow to stick out. Then I secured the bandage in place with some medical tape. He was as good as new.

So a now gimpy Chuckles, WOW, myself, HHB, and Benny the retarded tiger start back off down the trail. Night began to set in, and the sounds of the night filled the air. Crickets sang their nightly song, echoed by the occasional coyote howl off in the distance. The wind gently rustled through the trees, it was a picture perfect night.

We had gone several miles down the trail, and decided to pitch camp for the night. Gathering some timber, we managed to get a small fire going. Exhausted, we plopped down next to it. The only one who wasn’t tired was Benny. He was busy off looking in the woods. I couldn’t really see what he was doing, but he was trying to be stealthy.

A few seconds later, I heard him give a whale like growl and pounce on something. There was a short skirmish, by the sounds of it. Benny came out, triumphantly trotting with something in his mouth. He came right up to me and dropped it out of his mouth. I looked and saw the mangled head of a rabbit. Benny looked at me, almost telling me I caught this for you.

“Thanks. Good job, Benny,” I said patting him on the head. He licked my face then headed back off into the woods. I pulled out my pocket knife and cut just deep enough to make an opening in the fur. Pulling off the skin, gutting it, and then cutting of its limbs and head, I put the meat on a stick over the fire.

Benny started growling again. Soon, I could hear another battle taking place, but this one was different. Someone was screaming. Not good.

“Let go of me,” screamed a little green man, hanging from Benny’s mouth. Benny had him by his green trousers, his little black shoed feet were kicking wildly with no effect. The little man was wearing a green hat that had a black buckle on the front. It was a hobbit!

Benny dropped him in front of me again, so I grabbed the dude by his shirt collar and threw his midget body against the tree. Pulling out my gun, I put it to his head.

“HHB, bring the tape from my bag,” I yelled. He quickly jump to his feet. Using the medical tape, we taped him to the tree. I then gathered us into a huddle.

“Who is he?” asked WOW.

“I don’t know,” I said, “But I think it’s a hobbit.”

“Yeah, but hobbit’s aren’t green,” said HHB, “I think its something else.”

“Either way, we can get information from him,” I said.

“Be gentle,” said WOW.

“Screw that,” said Chuckles, “let’s do bad cop, even baddier cop.” I agreed, that approach would be more effective. So Chuckles and I walked up to the green feller.

“What’s your name?” I asked, “And don’t lie or we will cut your tongue out.”

“My name is Larry,” said Larry, in a strong southern accent “And you will not lay a hand on me.”

“We make the rules, Larry,” said Chuckles. He gimped up to Larry, and punched him in the face. Larry’s head bounced back into the tree. Green blood dripped from his nose.

“Curse you!” yelled Larry, he then muttered something under his breath. WOW walked up and pulled us back to the huddle.

“He just put a curse on Chuckles,” she whispered.

“What kind of curse?” he asked.

“I don’t know, but it can’t be good,” she said.

“Well, I will fix him up then,” I said, grabbing a long thick stick.

“No, don’t,” WOW said, “You have serious anger issues.”

“No,” I said, “I have serious lack of information issues. Pain will make him talk.”

“No, it will just make him angrier,” WOW said, “Let me talk to him.” I motioned for her to go ahead. She unbuttoned the top button on her shirt, then walked over and knelt in front of him.  Devilish woman.

“Larry,” she asked, sweet and innocently, his eyes getting big and a smile on his face, “Are you a hobbit?”

“No, I’m not a hobbit,” he said, “I’m a leprechaun.”

“He’s lying,” said HHB, “Leprechaun’s are Irish.”

“That’s a myth,” Larry said.

“Larry, pay no attention to them. Look at me Larry,” WOW said, using her feminine charm, “Will you help us find a hobbit?” Larry looked at her, thinking about the question.

“I will,” he said, “but first help me find my pot of gold.” He then let out a creepy evil giggle. Not laugh, giggle.

So, we untapped Larry from the tree. He mumbled some more words and a rainbow appeared in the night sky. It looked as if it ended somewhere back in the trees. This should be easy, I thought.

“See, Ranger, that is how it is done,” smirked WOW, fixing her shirt. I glared at her. I always hated getting the ‘I told you so’ speech. So, I did what I normally do when a girl is talking to me, I ignored her. Life is much simpler when you do that.

We followed Larry off the beaten path, Benny lagging a little ways behind. He kept getting distract by the falling acorns and walnuts. Larry led us to a small clearing, where we could see the end of the rainbow. And believe it or not, the rainbow ended at a port-o-potty.

I started to walk out to it, but Larry stopped me. He motioned for us to get down. So we did, and it was a good thing, because out guarding the pot of gold were three man-bear-pigs. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Watch more South Park. A man-bear-pig is a terrifying beast that is half man, half pig, and half bear. A man’s body, a pig’s legs, and a bear’s head and claws. Apparently, Al Gore was serious.

“I got this,” said WOW. She reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “It’s a new spell that I’m trying to learn.”

“What does it do?” asked HHB.

“Turns your enemies to stone,” she said. WOW started to read from the paper, but Benny misunderstood what was going on. Its not his fault he’s retarded. He ran up and mistook the piece of paper for a treat, so Benny ate it.

“Well, we have two options,” said Chuckles, “Option one, wait for Benny to crap out the piece of paper and hope its still legible. Or option two, give them a hail of bullets.”

“No, bullets will not work on these creatures,” said Larry, “You can only kill them by taking off the head.”

“Do you have your knife, Chuckles?” I asked.

“Who’s Chuckles?” asked Chuckles, dead serious. Something weird was going on. Larry looked at me as if to say oops.

“If you aren’t, Chuckles, then who are you?” asked HHB.

“I’m Batman,” Chuckles replied, in a deep raspy voice.

“I got it,” shouted WOW, “I think I remember what the paper said.”

“There is no time,” said Batman/Chuckles, he got up and charged toward the Man-bear-pigs, full speed. Apparently, his leg was better.

“Gadgets and gizmos, nuts and raisins, sky of heaven make it rain,” yelled WOW, obviously doing her chant. No one turned to stone, but a cow did appear out of thin air, right in the path of Batman/Chuckles. He didn’t see it, and ran right into its side. Batman didn’t stay down long.

He ran and kicked the first man-bear-pig in the head. The creature was unharmed. It backslapped him, and sent Batman/Chuckles flying through the air into a tree behind him. He was out cold.

I was going to try and sneak up on one, but Benny ruined that approach. He let out a belting whale roar and charged. He may have been a retarded tiger, but he was still a tiger. He savagely mauled the first helpless man-bear-pig from behind. In minutes, he had ripped off the creatures head. Before long, Benny had slain all three of them. Not bad for a little fuzz ball.

“I love that tiger,” I said, as he walked up to us. Blood stained his striped furry face. I scratched his neck, like you would any cat.

We approached the port-o-potty, Larry was giddy with excitement. He tore open the door, and a golden light shined from inside. Crowding behind him in the doorway, we saw golden plants growing from inside the throne. Studying the leaves, they were marijuana leaves. This leprechaun was an addict, or quite possibly a dealer.

He reached in and pulled some out. Taking some paper from his pocket, he rolled up the leaves in it. Striking a match against the side of the outhouse, he lit the joint. Larry took a deep puff, and then slowly pushed all the smoke out his nose.

“You want a hit?” asked Larry, sticking the joint out toward us.

No one answered. We didn’t know what to do. I didn’t trust Larry, I sensed a diabolical plot about him. Regardless, we had a decision to make.

Chapter Four: Fear Da Tiger

I stared the evil blond right in the eyes, as did the other two, but she wasn’t backing down. Reaching into the my waist line, I felt for my gun, but it wasn’t there. It was laying on the floor next to a fallen power ranger.

The Blond must have realized my attentions, because she vanished into the thin air. Then I saw my gun get up off the floor, float through the air, and point itself at HHB’s head. She appeared again, and was the one holding the gun.

“One step closer, and your friend dies,” She said, eyeballing both of us. Realizing the situation, we took the French way out. We both held up our hands and stood still.

“Who are you?” She asked.

“I am Ranger, curly haired boy over there is Chuckles, and the guy in the flower dress, that is HHB,” I answered, in a calm, non-threatening voice.

“She’s a boy?” She answered, sounding surprised. “Bummer, that dress went so well with his hair and eyes.”

“I thought so too, and I love the pig tails. Did you do those?” I asked, trying to win her over with flattery.

“Yes,” she said, “Why have you killed my guards?”

“Self-defense,” Chuckles said. She must have not liked that answer because she pointed the gun at Chuckles. He took a couple steps backward.

“What he means is,” I began, trying to clarify, “Our friend here was pushed out of a swing into this….where ever we are. And somehow a simple police chase brought us here too. So were trying to rescue him.”

I was expecting her to laugh in our face and call us liars. But to my surprise, it looked like she believed us. Hopefully that meant she realized we weren’t terrorists.

“That little…I’m sorry,” she said, dropping the gun and letting HHB go. “You guys must have a lot of questions. Let me start by welcoming you to Wally World. I am the Witch of the West, ruler of all you see, sort of...”

A witch? A hot witch at that. Wally World? Sort of in charge? Sounded as if they were in trouble.

“Well, for a witch, you look pretty nice,” Chuckles said, “Does that mean you can turn people into frogs and fly on brooms?”

“No, I can’t turn anyone into anything. The only power I have is to go invisible,” she said, “I can’t fly a broom either. I flunked out of flight school.”

“Well, its probably for the best. Its not safe to let blondes drive anything,” I smirked, she gave me an evil glare. “Wally World? Is Wal-Mart somehow involved?”

“Actually, yes,” said WOW (the Hottie Witch of the West), “Wal-Mart owns this whole realm, I work for them. When they realized they couldn’t take over the whole real world, they created this one.”

“No wonder this castle looks like it was decorated so cheaply,” said HHB.

“Why do you say that you are sort of in charge?” I asked.

“Because of a little….girl. She can’t be any older than eight or nine. But she is evil,” WOW began, “She has corrupted the people and creatures of the woodland in a plot to overthrow me and take control of this world.”

“Why not just kill the little girl?” asked Chuckles.

“Because, this girl is only half human,” she said, “There is only one way to destroy her. She must be taken to the clouds and tossed into the Fountain of Hearts, only there will love drive out the demons that control her. Ultimately leading to her death.”

“Ok, so take her,” said HHB.

“Its not that simple. My men are afraid of her, she does things to their minds. The last party of a hundred men set out to destroy her, but they never returned,” WOW said, a sad look of despair upon her face. “My most trusted guard, McKnight the Knight, lead the expedition. And I fear the worse for him.”

“You think he is dead?” I asked.

“No, this girl does not kill. She only enslaves the mind, killing your very soul. Making you a living dead.”

“Zombies,” said HHB, almost excited. What can I say, he is a pk? They are all messed up. Finding a zombie was up there with meeting sasquatch and encountering a ghost on HHB’s scale.

“Soon she will take control of Wally World, take over my mind and throne,” she said, “And all the happiness and joy of this world will be gone. Darkness will reign and eventually spread back into the real world.”

WOW then lowered her head into her hands and began to cry. We stood in silence, not knowing what to say. There was no reason to help her, she would probably tell us how to get home if we wanted. But that little voice in my head was saying do the right thing.

“We will help you,” I said, breaking the silence. WOW looked up, surprised at my words.

“Three conditions though.”

“If you help me, I will do whatever you ask.”

“First, please give back HHB his pants.”

“Yes, please. This dress is kind of drafty,” HHB pleaded.

“Ok.”

“Second, you have to come with us,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because you know the land better than we do, and its people. They will listen to you, not us. We are strangers in this place.”

“Fine.”

“Third, You have to show us the way home after this is all done.”

“No problem.” So it was settled, we were going to kill the little girl and save Wally World.

We gathered up our gear. HHB was given back his clothes, and I was as grateful as he was. If I had to look at his woolly legs any more, I would have to puke. Of course, HHB complained that he was the only without a weapon. So to satisfy him, he was given a crossbow out of the armory. It was really medieval looking, a solid wood beam to hold onto, and the bow part formed a misshaped T at the end. But the weight was a bit much for him. He insisted, however, that he would be fine.

WOW said her farewells to the people, and gave orders to place someone else in charge. Then we followed her to the Castle gates, complete opposite side of the one Chuckles and I had entered. The guards opened the gates to reveal a yellow bricked road leading out deep into the country side.

“Whatever we do, we must stay on the yellow brick road,” WOW warned. I looked at the yellow brick road, and thought it was kind of gay. One, because I had always hated the Wizard of OZ. Two, tactically it was stupid. The enemy would spot us on the main road, making this a real short trip.

“Follow the yellow brick road, Follow the yellow brick road,” a bunch of munchkins started singing. Going through all the words of the song, over and over again. I was about to go insane when I spotted a dirt path a little off the road.

“Guys,” I said, trying to sell them over the screaming of the singing lunatics, “Do you want to take the pansy, girl road? Or do you want to take the man trail?” I pointed to the dirt path.

“No, we have to take the road,” said WOW, “That way is too dangerous.”

“Sorry, your greatness, but you are not in charge here. This is a democracy now,” I said, “Besides, the enemy will know we are coming down this road. This way will give us the art of surprise.”

“I vote for the man trail,” said HHB, “Maybe will find big foot.”

“Count me in,” said Chuckles. WOW looked at us like we were stupid. But she was a blond, what did she know.

“That’s three to one,” I said, gloating, “So either you can go that road alone. To which, I would say good luck to you. Or you can stick with us and go this way.” Reluctantly, she agreed.

The munchkins kept singing until they realized we weren’t following the yellow brick road. They all went dead silent.

“Where are you going?” one yelled.

“Wrong way,” yelled another.

“They're all going to die,” screamed another.

“We are doomed,” whaled yet one more.

The path led us out into a dense forest. The only clearing was directly in front of us. Mysteriously, the leaves had only fallen underneath the trees, leaving the path completely visible. Almost like someone was keeping up on it.

“So, what’s the first part of our plan?” asked HHB.

“Well, since your idiot friend here took us off the main path, leading directly to the girl’s lair,” ranted WOW, I smiled at being called an idiot by a witch who only knew one power. “We are going to have to find a hobbit that knows the way.”

“Where are we going to find a hobbit?” asked Chuckles.

“In the shire,” I joked.

“I don’t know,” said WOW, “Hopefully, we come across a hobbit village.”

As we were walking, I again got the eerie feeling of being watched. I looked around, but couldn’t see anything. I started to think it must of have been my imagination, but then I heard the snapping of a twig and rustling of leaves. Suddenly a large, ferocious tiger jumped out of the woods. He stood tall and angry on the path in front of us. He looked at us hungrily and let out a pants wetting growl. Flashing his razor sharp claws at us, he swatted at the air and began to stalk back and forth.

“Oh snap,” shouted WOW. She quickly went invisible and disappeared.

“Crackle and pop,” said a scared Chuckles.

“Great,” I said, sarcastically. Of all the witches in the world, we got the one that flunked out of magic school.

“Don’t worry guys,” said HHB, a smile on his crazy school boy face, “I’ll take care of this.”

He fumbled with the bow, trying to raise it into position. After an intense struggle, one the tiger even seemed to find amusing, he managed to get it lifted up. But when he released the arrow, his one arm couldn’t hold it up. The bow momentarily dropped to the right sending the arrow directly into Chuckles left shin.

Chuckles screamed like a little girl who had just seen Miley Ray Cyrus. He fell to the ground, the shaft of the arrow sticking out of his leg.

“Oops,” said HHB, dropping the bow completely to the ground, “Don’t worry. You distract it.”

I walked around, cautiously in front of the tiger. He glared at me, upset at my lack of my apparent lack of fear. But little did he know, I was absolutely petrified. As he was looking at me, HHB charged at it from behind. Diving through the air, his hair flying straight out behind him, he landed on the tiger’s back and took a hold.

The tiger started dancing and bucking around like a bull at a rodeo. HHB held on for dear life. But then the tiger did a half back flip, smashing HHB into the ground and landing on top of him. He whirled around, and stood over HHB. He was about to become a human hot dog.

Not wanting to see my friend devoured, I ran and did a sliding ninja kick. It landed right in the tiger’s forehead, knocking it to the ground. I quickly got up, the tiger still a little dazed, and I began to repeatedly kick it in the head. HHB got up and joined in. Even WOW reappeared, adding her own legs into the battle.

So there we were, three of us kicking in the brains of a tiger in the middle of the forest. The poor critter had no chance, it could not get back to its feet. Soon the blows became too much, and he passed out.

With the tiger subdued, I rushed over to Chuckles. His leg was bleeding severely, and his voice was growing raspy from all the screaming. The other two gathered around, and stood watching. I ripped open his pant leg, exposing the wound. Blood was pouring profusely as his leg around the arrow swelled.

“Oh no,” said WOW, looking behind her.

I looked back to see the tiger, back on his feet. He was dazed and retarded, staggering trying to stay up. But he was still a tiger. A tiger with an apparent appetite for human flesh. It was either going to be us or him.

Chapter Three: Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I woke up with the bright morning sun shining through the bottom of the car, considering we landed upside down. My head was throbbing, like a giant rock was one side, then your mom (that’s right, I’m calling your mom a whale) on the other. Turning to Chuckles, he was still unconscious, held firmly upside down by the seat belt. But he was breathing and only had a small abrasion across his forehead.

“Hey, hey, are you okay?” I shouted at him, shaking him. He made a few grunts, obviously the airbag had the same effect on him.

Remembering my humvee rollover training, I unbuckled my seat belt, and repositioned myself. Chuckles followed suit. I grabbed the door handle, but it wouldn’t budge. So I used my shoulder and gave it a good charge. The door creaked open, but just enough to fit my hand through. Trying a different approach, I laid on my back, feet toward the door. This time, my legs blasted it open.

Crawling out, I noticed that we were in a strange place. We had landed in open field, on top of a hill. Green grass surrounded us, and there was a small dying tree to our left. A giant rainbow arched over us, going way up to the sky. Then down the hill and through some trees in front of us, I saw what looked to be a castle. Something weird was going on.

“Where are we?” asked Chuckles, crawling out of the wreckage.

“By my calculations, somewhere between Narnia, Oz, and Neverland. But definitely somewhere over the rainbow” I said, smiling at my own cleverness. Really, I had not clue where we were. “At least we lost the popo.”

“What now?”

“My guess, HHB is around here somewhere,” I said, “He must have got pushed out of the swing into an alternate dimension.”

Figuring the tree line would be our best place to figure things out, I decided to gather what supplies I could from the GSLP. Crawling back inside, I reached into what remained of the back seat and grabbed my black assault pack. Tossing it out, I grabbed the case of bottled water.

Crawling back out, I looked into my bag to take stock. Some medical supplies, such as gauze, trauma bandages, an iv bag, and a few ace wraps. Not to mention the combat load of ammunition for my pistol (always prepared). Also I found a few yummy military issue MRE’s. Those would be good if we got desperate for food, or needed to resort to biological warfare.

Loading the water, I rucked it up and we started to march down hill to the wooded area.

“I hope you had insurance,” said Chuckles, as we were some ways from the car.

“Ya, I do,” I said, “At least it didn’t blow up.” As soon as those words left my mouth, we heard a deafening boom that Hellen Keller could have heard. A massive force of energy knocked us both to the ground. I quickly covered my head and got as low to the ground as possible, and I couldn’t tell you what Chuckles did. I was too busy trying not to mess myself.

After a few minutes, I looked up to see a flaming tire had missed my head by inches. Chuckles was still covering his head on the ground, rear end sticking up in the air. It’s a wonder nothing hit him. I walked over to him, and pulled him to his feet. He was shaking uncontrollably.

Realizing, we now had a strong fire going, I decided to hang out by the car, what was left of it. And the hill would give us a good vantage point to see anything coming towards us.

The afternoon came and went, and soon darkness began to set in. Chuckles had pulled a bag of marshmallows out of his pocket. I know, who keeps marshmallows in their pocket? Taking a few sticks off the dying tree, we made some roasting sticks. We spent the time laughing about our recent experiences and trying to figure out our next move.

And as if things couldn’t get any more messed up, they did. Out of nowhere, my little brother, Princess, appeared. But he wasn’t actually physically there. If you have seen Star Wars (if you haven’t seen Star Wars, then your life is incomplete, get out from underneath your rock and go watch all six of them right now) you know how Obi Won appeared in a blue force thing and gave Luke advice, it was like that.

“Princess?” I asked, trying to figure out what was going on. He was sitting at a table, eating what looked like a burrito. Only he had taken a bite and the opposite end had exploded all over his shirt.

“What’s up Ranger?” He said, also appearing confused. “Why do you look so blue?”

“My car exploded,” I said, “Not to mention we are stuck in an alternate dimension.”

“Then why can I see you?”

“Beats me.”

“Do you think you can get us out of here?” asked Chuckles.

“I don’t know, all I did was eat a chicken burrito,” Princess answered, “I always knew there was something magical about this place.”

“Well, while you are working on that, we could use your help,” I said, “We are trying to find HHB, he was pushed out of the swing into Middle Earth, and we can’t find him.”

Continuing to eat another burrito, I could tell Princess was pondering the question. He had always been more book smart than me, and could come up with a plan for almost any situation.

“Here is what I can tell you,” He finally said, cheese hanging from his mouth, “The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall on its right side.”

“Useful,” I said, perturbed that his information had nothing to do with our problem. He must have realized that I wanted to pound him, again.

“Sorry,” He said, “that’s all I got. No if you don’t mind, I will get back to my burrito.” Then as quickly as he appeared, he was gone. Leaving me and Chuckles to figure it out.

“The ant, when intoxicated, will always fall on its right side. Are you serious?” Chuckles shouted, “What does that mean."  I began to analyze the statement. Perhaps it was some sort of riddle.

Looking to my right, I saw a small dirt path heading into the woods, toward the castle. I don’t know if Princess had intended for us to find that useful, but I figured it was our best bet. Maybe we could at least find someone who could tell us where we were, help us find HHB, and get back home. Not to much to ask?

“Let’s go down that path,” I said to a panicky Chuckles.

“Through the woods?” He asked, “Do you know what lives in the woods at night?”

“Trees, maybe a squirrel,” I said, “Are you afraid of squirrels?”

“No,” he replied, “But I am afraid of bears and wolves. Which also live in the woods at night. You go ahead, I’ll wait here.”

“And do what? Roast more marshmallows, like your in the girl scouts? Why not bake some cookies and sell them too?” I shouted, but my anger was only making him more stubborn. I decided to change my approach to a more gentle tone. I chambered a round into my Walther, and waved it for him to see. “We will be fine.”

“Fine, but I hope this goes better than your getaway plans.” He also chambered a round. I gathered up my pack and we started off down the path.

It was dark walking through the thick tree cover, we had to use the occasional glimpse of moonlight to keep us on the path. Fallen leaves crunched beneath our feet, making enough noise to alert the entire area to our presence. But thankfully, nothing eventful happened.

We walked right up to the castle gate, undetected. Unfortunately, the gate was locked. And we couldn’t see anyone on look out. A large stone wall kept us from going in.

Seeing some vines growing up on the stone wall, I decided to try and climb up them. I only hoped it wasn’t poison ivy, I get that stuff just by looking at it. To my surprise the vines held up, and soon we were both standing on top the castle wall.

Staring down into the town below, it looked deserted. No one was out, no lights were on.

“Over there,” whispered Chuckles, pointing to some sort of hall. I could make out some figures standing outside. We snuck along the back, hidden in the shadows. Finally making our way to a cart parked underneath a window. We cautiously looked through it, and what we saw made us wet our pants with laughter.

At last, we had found HHB. He was dressed in a yellow sun dress with big flowers on it. His hair was pulled into pig tails, one sticking off each side of his head. On top his head he was wearing one of those caps a court jester would wear. Which was fitting, because on a large stage in front of him sat a massive throne. Empty at the moment. But there looked to be guards on both sides of it. Not just any guards, but Power Rangers. I know, it was a screwed up picture, but they were there. The Red, Blue, Black, and Pink.

Debating whether to rescue HHB from his torture or tape it for You Tube, we broke out our cell phones and put on the recorder. HHB had a fiddle in his hand, only he was holding it like a guitar. The hundred or so people started dancing wildly as he began to play a familiar song, Rock star by Nickelback. Jamming away, HHB bounced his head like a punk rocker and song in an almost screaming metal voice. The people seemed to love it, they were going nuts.

With all the attention drawn elsewhere, it was now or never. Chuckles and I jumped through the window and landed on the checkered tiled floor below. It must have been quite the entrance, because it got the Power Rangers attention, and all the people scattered like cockroaches when the lights are turned on. HHB stopped playing and looked at us with a face that said get me out of here.

“You have interrupted a sacred ceremony,” said the Red Power Ranger, in an angry threatening tone.

“Let him go,” I said, pointing to HHB.

“She’s a boy?” said the Black Power Ranger, almost sounding embarrassed.

“Yes,” said Chuckles, “Let him go, or we will make a mess of things.” The four crusaders stepped forward, acting like they were big enough to do something. The flickering candle lights danced across the black lenses on their helmets, giving them a sinister appearance.

“Tyrannosaurs Rex,” shouted the Red one, then doing something weird with his hands. The other three then took their turn saying a random animal, then making similar odd hand movements. Not wanting to look stupid, I reached into my waist band and grabbed my PPK.

“Walther PPK,” I shouted, immediately pointing it at the Red one and pulling the trigger. I shot him in the face, his lifeless body fell limp to the floor. The back of his head splattered against the stage behind him.

Chuckles tried to fire his round, but the Blue one went on the offensive. Like a Kangaroo on speed, he did a flying ninja kick, sending Chuckles crashing through the table several feet behind him. The last thing I saw was Chuckles lying on the ground, throwing fruit out of a basket at him.

I was tackled to the floor by the Black one. He pinned me to the floor and was punching me in the face. About the fifth blow, I had enough, then the tenth blow I decided to do something about it. I quickly wrapped my legs around his head, trapping his arms between them. Grabbing hold of his arms, I thrust my hips up and pulled back on his arms. I pulled until I heard both of them snap. He rolled to the floor, screaming in obvious pain.

I hopped to my feet to finish him off with a kick in the head, but to my surprise the Pink one placed a roundhouse to my chin. Once again, I found myself on my back. This time I was in real trouble. I was a gentleman, therefore it was against my nature to cause physical harm to the opposite sex. As she kicked in my ribs, I struggled to find the right thing to do.

Wood particles burst from the back of her head, and she dropped to the floor. Behind her stood HHB in his pretty little dress with the neck of the fiddle in both hands, the broken base dangling by the strings.

Meanwhile, Chuckles had managed to gain the upper hand in his bout, he had the Blue one in a head lock. The Power Ranger kicked his legs and frantically tried to escape, but to no avail. Squeezing his arm tighter, Chuckles managed to cut of his blood flow, and soon the Blue one was snoring sound a sleep.

“Let’s get out of here,” said Chuckles, trying to catch his breath.

“Do I have to put pants on?” asked HHB, holding his dress and jokingly showing it off.

“No, but we’d prefer it,” I said.

Out of thin air appeared this blond chick. She was smoking hot with a water bottle in one hand and the other on her hips, and hair in a cheerleader‘s pony tail. She had a look on her face that said our death was near. I didn’t know whether to keep drooling or be scared, but either way we were screwed.

Chapter Two: Good Ole Boys

The situation was absolutely ridiculous. There I was, a trained army killing machine, held hostage on top of a slide by a killer demon dog. Chuckles and I had been stuck in our miserable spots for an hour. It was cold, late, and HHB was still missing.

Finally, I couldn’t take sitting there anymore. So I reached into my gun holster, clipped to the inside of my waistband, and pulled out my Walther PPK (that’s right, I have the same gun as James Bond, and for those liberals out there, yes I do have a permit for it). I jumped off the stupid slide onto the woodchips scattered beneath it. It was time to put an end to this.

Of course, as soon as I hit the ground, Sparky came charging. For it had been tormenting Chuckles, jumping up trying to grab hold of his leg. And I thought for sure Chuckles was going to pee himself.

As the black mutt charged, I took aim, too annoyed to be scared. Squeezing the trigger, the round thundered out, hitting the dog. I didn’t really see where I hit it, but it slowed down a little. But amazingly, it kept coming. So, I changed the lead to air ratio once more. This time I caught it in the right eye.

Psycho-pooch dropped to the ground and began to whimper. As it lay on its side, I could tell it was struggling to breathe. Its ribs moved up and down, very quickly, most likely going into shock.

I cautiously walked up to it, a combination of burnt dog and the sweet smell of gunpowder filled my nose. At that moment, part of me felt bad….I’d always been a dog person. But the little scoundrel was trying to eat us, so it was the dog or us. And I know, your thinking that there was something else I could’ve done. Maybe I could have run away, I only had to run faster than Chuckles. Only that would have left a bloodthirsty creature in the neighborhood of little’ins. C’mon, if a Chihuahua was attacking a little kid or you, don’t tell me you wouldn’t punt it across the yard.

Chuckles walked up and stood beside me, shaking his head. I looked around to make sure no one was watching, or calling the cops. But there was nothing.

“I would say he has slight head trauma,” said Chuckles, starring at the crater in the dog’s skull. Its legs were still twitching, it was wheezing as its breathing become more laboured.

“Well,” I began, knowing what I had to do next, “We can’t let it suffer.” Chuckles nodded. We both reached in and pulled out our shades, and put them on. He pulled out his XDM and joined me in taking aim.

“Its time for you to go to the big field in the sky,” Chuckles said to the dying destroyer. In his shades, he then turned to me. “Double tap.”

“Double tap,” I repeated, “Dog, deuces.” We then sent its soul out into the wild blue yonder in a haze of bullets that General Patton would be proud of. Almost like a twenty gun salute, but with two guns and the fact they were pointed at the dog’s head. The wheezing and movement stopped, for now the swiss-cheesed, lead filled fur ball would suffer no longer.

Unfortunately for us, our troubles had only begun. For no sooner had we taken our shades off, I heard the pump action of a twelve-gauge. Looking across the park to my left, in between a pale blue two-story house and a white picket fence stood a gentleman in his bathrobe. He was yelling something, but I couldn’t really make it out. But I did hear something about police.

Now, I know the right thing to do would be to stay there and explain to the officers what happened. But you know how they treat people who hurt animals these days. Look at Michael Vick. He got two years in the federal pen for involvement in a dog fighting ring. On the flip side, most people don’t know about the other football player, named Dante Stallworth. He got behind the wheel drunk and killed some guy. Mr. Stallworth only got a year in prison, for a killing a person. So living in a society with twisted value codes such as ours, I panicked. And as we stood, trying to figure out what the guy was saying, we heard the sirens.

“Not good,” I said, “I think we should probably go now.”

“What about HHB?” asked Chuckles. He had a valid point, but there was no time to look for him now. And if we were in the pokey, then there definitely would be no way of finding him. They would probably say we killed him, which would be completely absurd.

“No time now,” I said, “We will have to some how evade the cops, then comeback.” Chuckles seemed skeptical of this plan. “Don’t worry, we will find him. And I’ve played enough Grand Theft Auto over the years, this will be easy.”

We darted back to the GSLP, quickly throwing up the doors and sliding in. Chuckles put on his seat belt, and I figured that was a good idea so I did the same. I fired up my high powered V6 GM 3800 series motor, it purred like a kitten on catnip. Putting the car in reverse, stomping the pedal to the floor, and throwing the wheel as far left as possible, I almost pulled off a sick 360. Would have made it the whole way around, but because there was a pickup behind us, I slammed into it, only doing a 180.

“Only a little scratch,” I said, “Insurance should cover that.” I sped down the road, merging back into the main road. Seeing the squad car coming from the right, I turned left, like NASCAR. That’s when I decided this chase would be a tribute to Dale (the greatest race car driver to ever live), left turns only.

Considering the different size in engines, the squad car quickly gained on me. He was hollering through the bull horn for me to pull over, and maybe in some other world I would have. But I kept going straight. Chuckles was sitting nervously, right hand attached to the “oh crap” handle.

The policeman must have realized I was committed, so he began to ram my car. The first nudge shook the car, but somehow I managed to maintain control. The next street, I made a left turn, barely missing a sheriff’s deputy. Unfortunately the city cop behind me wasn’t as lucky. They collided, the sheriff’s car t-boned it and flipped it over, leaving them both in a twisted heap of metal.

Looking further up the road, I saw that the cops had formed a road block. So I took the next left, as they fired rounds through my back window. Hoping I lost them, I made a left turn, but then had to make a right turn. I braced for an impact, because in NASCAR that usually meant something bad was going to happen.

To my surprise, we were back on the other side of the playground. The bad news was that is where the road ended. Building up the speed to 90 or so, I plowed through the fence. In my mirror, I saw more squad cars in hot pursuit. But I failed to see the giant steel slide in front of me.

The right tire climbed all the way up, tilting the car to the left. When we reached the top, it launched the car into a crazy, high flying barrel roll. Thankfully, the spinning was stopped as the nose of the car hit the playground equipment. Hitting the equipment launched us in the air, a gravity and every other scientific law defying end over end flip. Chuckles and I were screaming like little girls who had just seen their first terrifying clown.

The last thing I remember was smashing into the top of the swing set. Then the next thing to come to my mind was the air bag.